Daily Dose - 000524 - Take out the Turkey, Bizarre News, blonde teenage girl, big-dick contest, putting out, DDL, Hey Martha
Planning a weekend of entertaining guest, I made a list of things I needed to do, Including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.
As it happened, a friend whom I have been promising to take to lunch asked If we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my list to the dash-board and went and picked her up.
As she settled into the car her face dropped.
"Thanks a lot !" she cried. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
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Bizarre News .....
Bizarre U.S. Patents
Scalp Cooling Device; December 6, 1938
[Looks similar to the electric chair.]
Pantyhose Shaping Band for Cheeky Derrier Relief; January 18, 1979
[The name on the patent? Julie Newmar. Who wants to bet she's Julie Newmar of Cat Woman fame?]
Eye Protector for Chickens; December 10, 1902
Hay Fragrance; January 6, 1987
Saluting Device/Automatic Hat Tipper; March 10, 1896
Apparatus for Facilitating Childbirth by Centrifugal Force; November 9, 1965
[Looks similar to a medieval rack.]
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You Have The Right To Be Tried By A Jury Of Idiots
KENTUCKY - Five men and seven women jurors of the Jefferson County Circuit Court could not come to a decision in the trial of murder suspect Phillip J. Givens II.
So instead of wasting the tax-payers valuable dollars they decided to flip a coin. It was tails.
Shortly before he was about to pass his sentence, Judge Kenneth Conliffe learned how the jury had reached its verdict and declared a mistrial.
"I didn't think we had anything to lose," jury foreman David Melton said. "We were going to be hung without it." The coin used was a silver dollar.
[The jury may not have had anything to lose, but Givens did. It's a good thing no one had any dice. Thanks to Jake Hill for the lead on this story.]
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Pigeons Take a Special Trip
DENVER - Officials in Denver are going to great lengths to rid the city of pigeons, and their flying debris. For $250 a month, the city can buy hallucinogenic corn that causes the birds to convulse and spasm which frightens the other birds away.
The feed is laced with Avitrol, and animal rights activists are once again; enraged. "It takes 40 pigeons pooping all day in one place to equal what a dog leaves on my lawn in one drop," says animal lover Catherine Hurlbutt.
John Hall, acting manager of public office buildings has a different view, "pigeons are urban vermin."
[First the corn. Next the pigeon 12-step]
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Snore At Your Own Risk
DUBLIN - Prisoner Thomas Brady, 22, was stabbed to death in his cell on Easter Sunday when his snoring proved too much for his cellmate.
Police have not disclosed the name of the enraged prisoner who stabbed him with a sharpened table knife. Dublin's Mountjoy prison rushed Mr. Brady to the hospital, but he could not be saved.
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Passover Constipates Ethiopians
JERUSALEM - As an act of charity Israel sent three tons of unleavened bread to starving Ethiopians after rabbis ruled against sending regular bread, due to the observance of Passover.
What sounded like a good idea only created more digestive problems for the Ethiopians, because "matza" is notoriously dry, and causes severe constipation.
On a more positive note, they also sent other food, blankets, and medicine.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
A Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his wife refused to have sex with him.
The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels took them to a health center to have them reattached.
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A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the sameplace where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
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A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."
"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"
"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100."
"I don't care," she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody." So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?."
"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."
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Gary was chuckling at the bar when his friend Steve joined him.
"Women, they think they're so smart," he said with a sly smile, going on to explain that he'd eavesdropped on a phone conversation between his fiancee and her best friend. "She said, 'Gary doesn't know it yet, but the only time I'm putting out is when I want to get pregnant."
At this, Gary doubled over with laughter, and Steve looked at his friend with some consternation, "I'd be mad as a hatter! Why aren't you?" he asked.
"Why get mad?" answered Gary. "She'll never know I've had a vasectomy!"
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DDL
Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pussy hair hung to her knees
The crabs got together
And Knitted a sweater
So in the winter her pussy wouldn't freeze.
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Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, humility, miserliness--and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single.
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Q. What is the difference between females in the military and a zebra?
A. Zebras don't have to fuck to get their stripes.
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What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, April 24, 2000
Posties battling over lengthy fingernails
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (AP) -- A Postal Service supervisor has taken a medical leave, claiming that she is stressed out after being ordered to cut her fingernails.
Lolita Dash recently went on leave after her bosses said her inch-long nails violated the local postmaster's rule that nails can't extend more than a quarter-inch beyond the fingertip.
"Why should the focus be on nails and not mail?" said Dash, 36, a customer service supervisor who has worked for the post office since 1986. "I have been working with them safely."
Dash, who once had 5-inch thumbnails and took up to two hours to paint and decorate her nails, says her problems began in 1995, when a new postmaster instituted the rule, citing safety concerns. She cut her nails the next year.
"I was in tears the whole time," she said. "It felt like cutting off a part of my finger."
She soon let her nails grow to about an inch long, but there were no problems for a few years. But in March, her bosses began disciplinary proceedings. Within days, she went on medical leave and has not returned -- even though she had her nails cut to conform to the rule.
No one had been injured because of long nails, but "it's more of a case of preventative safety," said Gary Sawtelle, a postal service spokesman.
Six other female employees with long fingernails had theirs measured. One was found in violation and ordered to cut them.
Dash said the rule infringes upon employees' personal choices.
"It's more than fingernails," she said. "It's the principle."