Daily Dose - 000523 - making bets, Bizarre News, whole-wheat bread, Funny Police Quotes, Blonde goes to the doctor, DDL, Hey Martha
Phil and Bill, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Phil calls Bill and says: "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."
Bill replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."
Phil interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard...a thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"
Bill says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Phil answers, "Eleven years."
___________________
Bizarre News ....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.
***********
Man Ruins Surprise Funeral
TOKYO - It was a hard day at work for a 60-year-old Japanese shipbuilder who came home and found his family planning his funeral.
Police had informed the family that he had been killed in a car accident earlier that day, where his own brother-in-law identified the victim's body as his.
The family was in the final stages of planning when he walked into the living room. The funeral has been postponed.
************
Virtual Praying?
MILAN - The country that is synonymous with wine, romance, and pasta now offers a new time-saver with professional praying.
For 3,000 lire, "Paradise" agency located in Varese, Italy will send housewife Monica Ballinari to recite a prayer or perform the sign of the cross once a day. She fears that life has become so hectic that many just ignore their spiritual needs, and the salvation of their souls.
"If you don't have time to save it, call me; I'll take care of it."
[If they take their masturbation seriously over there, this poor woman must be kept busy.]
************
Real Fake Newscaster Makes Debut
LONDON - Her name is Ananova; she has green hair, big eyes, and moves somewhat erratically. She is a computer created virtual newscaster guaranteed to stay in perfect health, work long-hours for no pay, and never needs make-up.
This glamorous cyber-anchor will exude a plethora of internet information complete with commercials, and she'll make her U.K. Internet debut on Wednesday, April 19, 2000.
Bearing the likeness of Posh Spice, Ananova claims, "I'm your personal assistant in a digital world."
[I wonder if she'll get engaged to Max Headroom?]
************
Thieves Yank ATM out Of The Ground
OGDEN, Utah - A couple of thieves came up with a crafty approach for stealing from an ATM -- they took the whole thing.
Ogden police say suspects stole a backhoe, hooked it up to a freestanding ATM, uprooted it and hauled it down the road on Monday. Problem was, they couldn't figure out how to get the money out of it.
************
Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Cleetis Hayseed of Twelve Toes, Arkansas had this lame bumper sticker on his car: "I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You."
After enduring countless beatings, Cleetis cleverly contacted the company which offers the world's best-selling stickers: DARE To Keep Cops Off Donuts, Life is Short - Don't Be a Dick, Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music, WHATEVER, I'd Rather Be Spanking The Monkey, and Your College Sucks.
______________________
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: "I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "The secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "Wow! It's certain to get hard before you eat it all!"
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"
_____________________
Funny Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
___________________
A Blonde goes to the doctor and tells him she hurts all over. "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."
___________________
DDL
Undressing a maiden called Sue
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true,
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
___________________
This country is so full of opportunity.
Where else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the day care center where the cleaning woman leaves her child?
___________________
"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.
___________________
Elevators smell different to midgets.
___________________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, April 6, 2000
Philippine police climb volcano to flatten bellies and save their jobs
MOUNT PINATUBO, Philippines (AP) -- Scores of overweight Philippine police officers scaled a treacherous volcano Thursday in an attempt to beat a deadline for flattening their tummies and avoiding dismissal.
Hundreds of others failed to complete the trek to Pinatubo's peak, part of a fitness campaign launched last month by National Police Chief Panfilo Lacson to trim officers' bulging stomachs -- long a symbol of the country's notoriously corrupt police.
"I have six children to support, so I hope I won't be fired," said officer Angel Alicante, 50, before trying -- unsuccessfully -- to climb Pinatubo.
With a 43-inch waistline, Alicante had his work cut out.
Policemen with waists greater than 34 inches must exercise for six months and face possible dismissal if they don't slim down to this measurement, Lacson said. The waists of policewomen must be no more than 29 inches.
"If you're physically fit, it follows that you can do the job of law enforcement, that you can run after criminals," said Roberto Calinisan, police chief for central Luzon, the main Philippine island.
Calinisan, whose own waist measures 33 inches, organized Thursday's climb for overweight police under his command as a way to trim excess pounds. Of the 7,000 police in central Luzon, 2,000 failed the measurement test, he said. Of those, about 600 police, including about 70 women, attempted the six-hour climb.
Army trucks ferrying the police to the foot of the 1,444-metre volcano bore banners in English reading "Fat belly, flab. Mount Pinatubo will remove."
The group set out at 6 a.m. under misty skies, chosing the much more difficult of two routes up the mountain, with massive boulders to scale and ropes to hang on to at times.
About half of the 600 made it to the top, Calinisan said, although an Associated Press count at the peak showed only 62 completed the climb. Those who failed must try again next month along with other overweight officers.
"It's not too bad; it's a good way to stay in shape," said an officer who gave his last name as Ortencio, his age as 52 and his waistline as 36.
"But before dismissing a policeman, they should consider his accomplishments, not just his physical condition," Ortencio said while resting on a rock before making his way to the top.
Lacson, who was appointed national police chief in November, has vowed to cleanse the police of corruption. He said he would not mind if the 117,000-member national police force is reduced in half to rid it of "hoodlums in uniform."
He has called for an end to the widespread practice of police receiving free food and beer to protect bars.
Since last month, potbellied police have been required to join aerobics classes. Some police, desperate to reduce, have tried diet pills or girdles, while others reportedly are contemplating liposuction.
Last week, a police officer died of a heart attack while exercising at a police station in an attempt to beat the deadline.
There were no deaths or injuries reported on the Pinatubo climb, but plenty of huffing and puffing.
"I've asked a lot of doctors and they told me that six months are not enough," said Alicante, who has already trimmed his 46-inch stomach by three inches. "You can try and try, but you'll just end up weak, they said."
Still, he concedes a big stomach interferes with his job.
"I have problems tying my shoes," he said with a laugh.