Daily Dose - 000522 - upcomming wedding, Bizarre News, marital problems, more Murphy's Laws, driver's license, DDL, Hey Martha
Karen and Ken , a couple in their mid fifties had finally decided to tie the knot.
Karen, and her friend Sue, were discussing Karens upcomming wedding. After describing her beautiful wedding dress, Sue inquired what color the shoes would be worn.
Karen replied " I thought silver would be nice."
Ken, the eavesdropping fiance, had to get his two cents in by retorting "Yes- silver will be nice..... it will match your hair!"
Sue, not missing a beat, shot a look at Kens bald head and quickly came back with, " So Ken, are you going barefoot? "
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Sidewalk Delivery
LOUISVILLE - A Kentucky inmate witnessed a woman giving birth on the sidewalk outside of his cell not realizing that the woman was his wife.
Raylette Carr told reporters that her husband was casually describing the event to her when she interrupted by telling him that she was the woman on the sidewalk giving birth.
"I told him: 'That was your baby.'" Carr was on her way to a fireworks show when she went into labor with her seventh child. Paramedics arrived too late, but mother and baby are fine.
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Easter Floggings Come Early This Year
GUATEMALA CITY - Lent no longer tops the list for Easter hardships. The annual Easter witch hunt began seven days prior to Holy Week this year for Guatemalan students.
The ritual consists of 15,000 hooded students (mostly male) who publicly strip suspected criminals, and beat them.
This vigilante pummeling, and the accompanying parade, are a sanctioned tradition where last year more than 108 lynching attempts took place.
[They did this at a Frat house regularly at the U of I.]
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Hamster Fashions For UK
LONDON - Conservative clothiers Gieves and Hawkes tried to update their 200 year-old image by appealing to a younger, hipper crowd with hamster jackets.
The $4,800 creations only spiced up the ire of The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
"We are appalled and we are sure the public will feel exactly the same way," replied coordinator Yvonne Taylor.
Gieves and Hawkes quickly backed down, and said they only made one coat - sewn from the skins of 100 farmed animals.
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"Hot Wheels" Prompt Gunplay
STATESBORO - The difference between men and boys is not just the price of their toys, but how pretty their wheels are.
A twenty-year-old man was shot at the Player's Ball weekend gathering during an argument over who had the better looking tires.
Apparently the man with the gun had the prettiest tires.
The victim was from Atlanta, and was hospitalized in stable condition. However his pride may not recover as quickly.
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Imposter Hoodwinks Medical Authorities
BONN, Germany - In one of the countries biggest medical scandals, authorities are scratching their heads trying to figure out how a post office messenger with no formal education could impersonate a psychiatrist for two years and commit 34 "patients" to mental hospitals across the country.
The culprit, Gert Postel got away with impersonating a psychiatrist by using a lot of psycho babble that made him a convincing con man.
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Dutch Research Into Flatulence
AMSTERDAM, Holland - Bizarre News is always on the lookout examining how countries spanning the globe do research.
Recently, researchers at the University of Amsterdam have been delving into the hazards of flatulence. Apparently, prolonged exposure of four hours a day to humans "passing gas" can weaken the immune system.
The doctor heading this piece of vital research, Dr. Hans Sholten, was quoted as saying, "It would behoove anyone who cares about his or her health to avoid people with chronic flatulence."
[Really?]
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Stan was having marital problems. So he went to his The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make made passionate love to her."
In two weeks Stan was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How did it go?"
Stan said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."
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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.
There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
~ Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't.
~ Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
~ Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
~ Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
~ Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
~ Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
~ William's Law
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
Machines should work. People should think.
~ IBM's Pollyanna Principle:
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
~ The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
~ Ehrlich's Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
~ Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
~ Cannon's Comment
Thinly sliced cabbage.
~ Cole's Law
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
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DDL
There is a certain young woman named Janet
Who's the sexiest dish on the planet
From her toe to her palm
She's a nuclear bomb
And no one, thank God, wants to ban it.
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After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
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DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
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I have a very insightful intuition about people, and what makes them tick.
That's why I like to spend my time alone!
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, April 7, 2000
Winnipeg ranked No. 1 for dandruff
WINNIPEG (CP) -- Winnipeggers are apparently the flakiest people in the world, and companies that manufacture dandruff products have noticed.
"We have a higher incidence of dandruff in Winnipeg than has been found in any other site I know of, and that includes Asia, Europe and several other sites in North America," said Wendy Lazer, manager of Hill Top Research which works for shampoo companies.
"We think it's the dryness we have. The conditions make people have drier scalps and dry skin flakes."
Companies that Hill Top Research does testing for have been drawn back to Winnipeg time and again because of its reputation and quality of specimens, Lazer said.
About half of first-time Winnipeg volunteers qualify for dandruff studies. Other cities average about 20 per cent, Lazer said.
"We are the premier dandruff testing site in the world," she said. "It's one of the strange things we're famous for."
Hill Top Research has done two or three dandruff studies annually since 1996 for different companies.
The company is currently looking for 350 people with the condition for the biggest research study on dandruff shampoo it's ever done.
(Winnipeg Sun)