Daily Dose - 000521 - carried away with her shopping, Bizarre News, piss off a bridge, Native American vote, Rubber balloons, DDL, Hey Martha
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when Tony,the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife, Beckie, was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"That," he sighed, "must be her checking out now."
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Real Books... Unreal Titles!
It's a Gas! A Study of Flatulence; 1991
[No explanation needed.]
Wrestling for Gay Guys; 1994
For anyone looking to perk up their fitness routine, self-defense, or erotic prowess.
[See first story.]
Hand Grenade Throwing as a College Sport; 1918
The British Library's only copy was regrettably "destroyed by bombing."
[Perhaps the WWF could employ some of these strategies?]
The Gentle Art of Cooking Wives; 1900
[Oh no. That's just TOO easy!]
Walled Up Nuns and Nuns Walled In; 1895
[Sadly, no sequel was ever printed.]
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Oily Grapplers Fear Gay Audience
ISTANBUL - Just when you thought that burly, sweaty, Turkish oil wrestlers were synonymous with good, clean heterosexual fun; think again.
Residing in our "what were the odds?" file, our glistening leather-clad warriors object to their ancient sporting event being coveted by a group of homosexuals calling themselves the "Bears of Turkey."
This group of openly gay men are advertising on the Internet in hopes of booking a tour group to attend the Kirkpinar championships. On July 1, the city of Edirne will be hosting this event, but Chairman Alper Yazoglu was quoted as saying, "We are trying every way to have this stopped...".
The event takes place in the hot sun as the wrestlers slather themselves in olive oil before trying to pin each other to the ground. One common tactic includes putting a hand down the opponent's leather trousers to get a better grip.
The wrestlers don't see the attraction for their homosexual audience.
[Extra virgin olive oil? Probably not macho enough.]
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Mom Packs More Than Lunch
OKLAHOMA CITY - Just when Oklahoma and violence were finally out of the headlines, enraged mother Sonya Bostic fired a shot at another mother during a track meet.
Bostic, age 33, was aiming for Ruthie Pearl, age 35, in what was apparently the climax of a two-year grudge.
500 spectators packed the stadium when the argument began, but the bullet wounded innocent parent Virginia Biggers in the buttocks when she attempted to take cover.
While Bostic was still pointing her gun, police disarmed her but found no more bullets. She was arrested and jailed.
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Dead Husband Stays Home For Four Months
MUNICH - In an effort to postpone reality, an elderly German woman kept her dead husband in bed for four months.
The husband's sister became suspicious when she repeatedly called the house, and the wife told her that he did not want to see any visitors. The sister eventually called the police and they confirmed that the 76-year-old man had died of natural causes.
Previous to this discovery, in 1998 a man from Hamburg was found sitting in front of his television; he had been dead for five years.
[Rest assured, he was found still grasping the remote.]
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Family Pet Makes Tasty Snack
DEMING, N.M. - This culinary curiosity made a lot radio talk shows, so you may have already heard the story, but I just couldn't resist sneaking it into this week's issue.
It seems Sadie Emerson of New Mexico recently lost her Vietnamese potbellied pig. The miniature porker named Tiny Boo was a cherished family pet and Sadie and her 3-year-old son began searching the neighborhood for it.
Much to their horror they found Tiny Boo was the guest of honor at a barbecue their neighbors were having down the street. The mobile home owner told sheriff's deputies he shot the pig with a rifle after the animal tried to attack him.
He has been accused of cruelty to animals and will appear in court.
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Is That A Hamster In Your Pocket
SYDNEY, Australia - What would a Bizarre News edition be without a penis tragedy?
Brad Smith loved animals and when he found a lost hamster, cold from a rainy morning, he decided to warm it up by placing it in his front pocket.
The little rodent wasn't exactly thrilled to be there and proceeded to make lunch out of Smith's manhood.
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Best Man Vows For Groom
KILETER, England - The time was way back in the 1920's and Albert Muldoon was standing up as the best man at his friend's wedding.
But unfortunately for all involved, Muldoon stood at the wrong side of the groom and the Minister mistook him for the groom himself and married him to the bride.
The actual groom was so nervous he could not even say, "I do" and Muldoon answered for him, furthering the comedic marriage. The marriage was annulled 24 hours later.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
IRS agent Larry Wilson of Alhambra, California has been charged with extortion, reportedly demanding more that $57,000 in bribes from taxpayers, in exchange for favors during audits...
(an IRS spokesman expressed shock at the arrest, since policy clearly caps bribes at $50,000 per agent.)
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Jill and Linda are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge is safe, the two women start to cross.
Halfway across, Jill stops and says to Linda, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and piss off a bridge."
Linda looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
So Jill drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to pee, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, Linda hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says, "that wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."
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It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya Hoya". The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
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A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"
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DDL
There once was a man from Great Britain
Who interrupted two girls at their knittin'.
Said he with a sigh,
"That park bench, well I
Just painted it right where you're sittin'."
With the police still hot on his trail
He was tempted by fanny for sale
So the crook went to bed
With a price on his head
And a girl with a price on her tail!
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A simple recipe for nonalcoholic beer:
You need two buckets, one case of normal beer, and a horse...
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My friend Jan Lewis, one of Microsoft's earliest employees, provides this helpful translation of Judge Jackson's 43-page opinion into "Windowese":
You have performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
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The main aim of socialism is to spread an ever-increasing amount of misery among an ever-larger number of people.
-- Sir Winston Churchill
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, Apr. 5, 2000
Pest control ad leaves viewers jarred
By ALEX VEIGA -- Associated Press
ATLANTA (AP) -- That cockroach crawling across the screen isn't ON your television. It's IN it.
Many viewers have felt like suckers after being frightened by the roach in a commercial for Orkin Pest Control. Two viewers even asked the company to repair sets that they damaged when they hurled objects at the bug.
"Apparently, when you're sitting in your darkened den it seems pretty real," said Michael Lollis, executive creative director at the Atlanta office of J. Walter Thompson, which created the ads, titled "Fake Out." They began airing, mostly at night, on March 1 in 90 percent of the country.
Orkin and the ad agency have received dozens of calls from people who reported being frightened, amused or both by the commercial, which starts as an ad for a fictional fabric softener.
Matt, from Tallahassee, Fla., wrote to Orkin, saying he had just stepped from the shower when he saw the roach on his TV set.
"I immediately snatched my towel off and proceeded to snap the roach with the towel," he wrote. "He did not die or even get knocked off the TV. I thought it was SuperRoach or something. Then to realize that it was just a commercial, well, I felt dumb. But got a great laugh out of it."
A woman from Greensboro, Md., said she woke up two neighbors late at night to come to her house to hunt and kill the roach. One of the neighbors quickly figured out the bug was from the commercial.
"I felt really stupid for getting my neighbors out of bed in the middle of the night," Darlyn wrote. "You really got me!"
An irate Tampa, Fla., woman who tried to kill the roach by tossing a motorcycle helmet at it and instead broke her TV set demanded that Atlanta-based Orkin buy her a new one. Another man said his set was damaged after he threw a shoe at it.
Sorry, the Orkin Man doesn't do TV repair.
"Both of them were very startled and they wanted us to fix their TVs, but that's not going to happen, I'm afraid," said Martha May, a spokeswoman for Atlanta-based Orkin.
The commercial opens with a cheery woman doing laundry when a cockroach scurries from the right side of the screen. Midway through, an exterminator emerges to zap the bug.
"The thing that we're trying to go for is that shock value that is stimulated when you see a roach in your home," May said. "And that's when you call the Orkin Man."
Lollis said the spot required "lots of little technical tricks." The creators added a slight glow around the edge of the bug so it would appear to be sitting on the screen.
The success of the commercial has prompted Orkin's public relations department to tailor another promotion around the commercial -- the "Orkin Got Me" contest, with the winner of a random drawing receiving a new television. Postcard or e-mail entries are due by April 30.