Daily Dose - 000520 - burglar broke into my house, Bizarre News, sex objects, missed that putt, password, DDL, Hey Martha
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
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Bizarre News .....
Bizarre Phobias
Aeronaunasiphobia - fear of vomiting.
Albuminurophobia - fear if kidney disease.
Anglophobia - fear of England, or English culture.
Anuptaphobia - fear of staying single.
Arachibutyrophobia - fear of peanut-butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquist's dummies.
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Elvis Runs For Mayor
PHILLIPS, WI - For once it's not just a sighting story. A man from Price County, WI, has legally changed his name to Elvis Aaron Presley, and is now running for mayor.
This proprietor of a local bar (yes, bar), and former Elvis impersonator has decided to try his hand at politics.
Inspired by Gov. Jesse Ventura, Presley said, "If the people of that state can put a wrestler in office, I don't see what's wrong with the people of Wisconsin electing an Elvis impersonator."
The small town of 1,600 will choose between Presley and Keith Corcilius on April 4.
[Mayor Presley's biggest hits include: You Ain't Nothin' But a Cheesehead, I'll Have a Blue Election Without You, Hunk 'o Burning Votes and, of course, Viva Wisconsin!]
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The Ups And Downs Of Being A Janitor
BRISTOL, England - This little gem was in a local Chicago newspaper. It is not so newsworthy as it reveals a certain quirk unique to fellow English speakers across the pond.
A janitor at a Marriott Hotel was fired for taking four days to clean an elevator. When asked why it took so long, before his dismissal he said, "There are twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of them are not there."
He apparently thought that each floor had a different elevator and cleaned the same elevator 12 times.
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The Ups And Downs Of Philippino Pests
MANILA, Philippines - Recently an embarrassed police chief had to explain how 1000 pounds of a combined stash of marijuana, cocaine and amphetamines could disappear from the evidence room.
This enterprising chief, when confronted with the missing booty told investigators, "Rats and cockroaches got in through gaps in the locker doors and ate it all, every last scrap."
[These were the same critters that ate my homework when I was a kid.]
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If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle
BERLIN - The wall came down, but East Germany is haunted by the ghost of oppression past. Tenants from an eastern apartment block have been banned from urinating while in a standing position.
Landlords complained that misdirected urine is causing their radiators to rust, but the men of Radenburg are not sitting for this.
Cemetery worker Juergen Galler responded, "I'm not going to let anybody tell me how I take care of business. I'm going to keep on standing."
Techniques for enforcing the ban might be tricky, but according to the daily Bild the landlords are quite serious.
[I didn't know my wife owned property in Germany.]
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Errant Cop Gets Lost On Way to Station
PHILADELPHIA - Officer Margo Grady was on her way to deliver a rape victim from a downtown hospital to a police station a few miles away when her car disappeared into the Philadelphia night.
After a couple hours city police began a search for the missing officer, even enlisting the help of a police helicopter, but to no avail.
It wasn't until seventy miles later that Officer Grady flagged down a trooper in New Jersey to ask for directions.
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Six people near Norias, Texas were hit by a freight train last week. Authorities said the victims were sleeping on the tracks and failed to wake up in time. A Union Pacific spokesman explained that the six were probably sleeping on the train tracks because they believe it would protect them from snakes... and it did.
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Jon was talking to Amanpreet.
"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Preet shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
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An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
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Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.
One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.
"Well, what does it mean?", I asked.
She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."
There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".
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DDL
There was a young curate of Kew
Who kept a tom-cat in a pew
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek
But it never got further than mu.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.
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Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
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Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?
A: Karen Carpenter
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Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Apr. 28, 2000
Study: Higher beer taxes could lower STD rate
By DAVID PITT -- The Associated Press
ATLANTA (AP) -- In an unusual report, government researchers say that raising the tax on a six-pack of beer by 20 cents could reduce gonorrhea by up to 9 percent.
"Alcohol has been linked to risky sexual behavior among youth," said Harrell Chesson, a health economist with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The CDC study compares changes in gonorrhea rates to changes in alcohol policy in all states from 1981 to 1995. In years following beer tax increases, gonorrhea rates usually dropped among young people. The same happened when the drinking age went up Ñ as it did in many states during the 1980s.
"(Alcohol) influences a person's judgment, and they are more likely to have sex without a condom, with multiple partners or with high-risk partners," Chesson said.
Jeff Becker, president of The Beer Institute in Washington, said sex education and safe sex campaigns focusing on condom use may also have had an impact on declining gonorrhea rates.
"To suggest that young people would change their behavior because of a small increase in the price of beer is absolutely absurd," Becker said.
Gonorrhea, one of the most common venereal diseases, was examined in the CDC study because long-term statistics are available and the disease is more evenly spread among states.
The CDC analyzed the drops in gonorrhea rates following different tax increases and came up with the estimate that a 20-cent increase per six-pack could lead to a 9 percent drop in gonorrhea.
Chesson cited the example of a 16-cent per gallon -- about 9 cents per six-pack -- tax increase in California in 1991. Gonorrhea rates in the 15 to 19 age group dropped about 30 percent the following year. Drops in other states were not as dramatic.
During the study, various states raised beer taxes 36 times. Gonorrhea rates among the 15 to 19 age group dropped in 24 of those instances, and rates among those 20 to 24 dropped 26 times.
In both age groups, men seem to be more affected than women by higher beer prices.
Most minimum legal drinking age increases were also followed by a decrease in the gonorrhea rate, especially in the 15 to 19 age group.
"This study suggests these strategies could have a significant impact in reducing sexually transmitted diseases among young people," said Dr. Kathleen Irwin, chief of health services research and evaluation for the CDCÕs division of sexually transmitted diseases.
About 3 million teen-agers are infected with sexually transmitted diseases each year, Chesson said. Gonorrhea usually can be treated with antibiotics, although some drug-resistant strains have developed.