Daily Dose - 000517 - crutches, Bizarre News, bank robbers, I'll screw anybody, gay man, DDL, Hey Martha

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.

_____________________

Love Lost Over Daylight-Savings Time

MEXICO CITY - Debate flares over the adoption of daylight-savings time in Mexico. Among the evils of daylight-savings enumerated by Mexican Senator Felix Salgado is the strain it puts on good marital relations.

Ever since it was introduced, six years ago, setting the clock back has caused distress among Latin lovers who are unable to engage in their 'mananero' (Spanish for morning quickie - really!) because wives have to take their children to school an hour earlier.

In Salgado's defense, he also mentions the risk that school-children face, venturing out on crime-ridden streets in the dark, but with elections just months away he's focusing on the issues that really hit home.

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"Rail Rage" Grips Brazil

SAO PAULO - This story is dedicated to the disenfranchised huddled masses, urban weary, and loose canons of the rush hour world.

Enraged commuters from Sao Paulo waited hours before boarding a suburban train where they were crammed in, and forced so sit motionless for hours. When all patience was finally exhausted, the passengers abandoned the train and promptly set it on fire.

A local news helicopter recorded a view showing the chain of smoking cars; some already in ashes.

[The unruly mob is available for hire and offer group discounts].

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Feng "SCHWING"

LONDON - Move over Viagra, we've found the newest trend for putting the tiger back in your tank; Feng Shui!

According to 32-year-old Karen May who wrote The London Mirror, redecorating and furniture placement changed her austere celibate lifestyle into a searing pit of sexual satisfaction.

Simple changes like moving the bed so the headboard faces Southwest, and painting the bedroom walls red with flaming orange hues eliminated the "dead energy" that plagued her apartment.

She finished off the room with a sprinkling of magic gems, and before she knew it; she met the man of her dreams.

[Actually, this isn't so far fetched. My wife fell for my magic gems.]

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Things Go Better With...Sake

SAPPORO, Japan - A children's baseball manager has finally been sent to jail after a lengthy appeal process. Manager Motoi Tanaka has been convicted of contributing to the delinquency of seven minors after getting them drunk on the Japanese rice wine called sake.

After his team won a local championship he celebrated by giving them the sake. All of the ball players were eleven and twelve-year-olds.

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Pervert Teachers In Japan

TOKYO, Japan - A shocking new study has revealed that one out of seven school girls in the seventh and eighth grades have been sexually harassed by male teachers.

The study, conducted by the Teachers Union, has created an uproar after the revelations that teachers have been hitting on these young girls by offering them "geisha-like massages", asking them out on dates, and making the girls bend down to pick up pencils conveniently dropped on the ground.

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Mowing Under The Influence

BEMENT, IL - The ever vigilant eyes of the law found the next big threat to democracy; the John Deere riding mower.

Joe Durban, town lawnmower, was pulled off of his bright yellow seat as he cruised down Bowyer Street for driving a vehicle on a revoked license.

For seventeen years nobody knew that the state had revoked Joe's license for drunk driving, so he worked around this snag by cutting grass for a living, and riding his mower between houses.

Officer Steven Bien was quick to end his crime spree by issuing a ticket and reminding him that it is illegal for him to operate even a scooter on a city thoroughfare. The town is now in an official uproar, but can do little about it as Bien is the town's only full-time police officer.

[What next? Impounding his weed-wacker?]

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The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her......

"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"

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A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

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One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful dream, only to hear his partner in the bathroom making grunting and moaning sounds.

The gay man got out of bed, walked down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.

"What the hell are you doing???" he asked his partner.

The gay man's partner looked up at him sheepishly, "Oh... I was just packing your lunch!"

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DDL

There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.

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A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

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Buy 50 female pigs and 50 male deer and you'll have a hundred sows and bucks.

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Jed: "Your sister is spoiled, isn't she?"

Ted: "No, that's the perfume she uses."

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When you want a man to pay attention to you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it.

Sure it's uncomfortable.

But it makes you look just like his remote control.

________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, April 7, 2000

Fcuk fuss hits Vancouver transit

VANCOUVER (CP) -- Pushing the envelope is all the rage among companies trying to appeal to the young and hip.

There's a clothing line called Porn Star, another clothing line called Blunt -- California slang for a marijuana cigarette -- and even a line of skateboard duds called Fuct.

Another company, French Connection UK, hit the jackpot when it decided to mount an ad campaign and line of clothing using its initials, fcuk. The company's pre-tax profits in the first half of 1999 were up 84 per cent.

But some public transit bus drivers in Vancouver were not amused by the award-winning ad campaign, complaining that fcuk ads on the sides of buses was "workplace harassment."

TransLink responded by removing the $10,000 ad campaign from its fleet and refunding the money, even though there were no complaints from the general public.

French Connection's Canadian manager is irked that a few bus drivers could censor the ad.

"If they have a problem with it, fine," said Elizabeth Hardy, who pronounces the logo fuh-cuck.

"But I want to open up the public discourse so people can decide for themselves if they would deem it workplace harassment."

The ad is quite tame. It shows a guy in white pants running alongside a jumble of words that reads "hot dash Must date."

The offensive bit is a small fcuk logo in the right-hand corner.

TransLink spokesman Ken Hardie said the company screened the ad and thought it was borderline but decided to let it go up on the sides of buses in March.

It ran for 10 days until it was removed March 24.

"We don't want to put ourselves in the position of being arbiters of good taste or community standards, but at the same time, we have our own cautions when we see things," Hardie said.

"Some of our operators, many of whom are female, took offence to it," he said.

"Based on that, and based on the fact that ultimately if something like this were to go to the human rights commission, (who) tend to be pretty stringent on the way they interpret things, we said that it's not appropriate, and down it comes."

The fcuk line was unveiled in 1997 by British advertising whiz Trevor Beattie.

"Fcuk Fashion was the first campaign," Hardy said. "It ... caused a big controversy.

"The English Advertising Standards Association asked for it to be taken out, so they took it out and replaced it the following month with (an ad reading) 'Fcuk Advertising.'"

The campaign went on to win awards and push French Connection's profits sky-high. Boxer Lennox Lewis even wore boxing shorts with the logo "fcuk fear" in a 1999 heavyweight title fight.

There are now 80 French Connection stores in the world.

The bus campaign was aimed at promoting French Connection's second Vancouver store at Oakridge mall.

"We've been selling fcuk T-shirts, we have it in the windows," said Hardy. "We have fcuk brands on all our clothes. People love it, we sell tons. It's different.

"In Oakridge mall, which is a really conservative mall, I had a big Fcuk sign with French Connection running through it on the hoarding before the store opened.

"Hundreds of women walked by it every single day, and no one said anything. No one seemed to complain."