Daily Dose - 000516 - German tourist, Bizarre News, got it all, Klopman diamond, act of cheating, DDL, Hey Martha
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized you came here for the food!"
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Bizarre News.....
English Inventor Goes Down With Ship
LONDON, England - In yet another attempt to show why the British Empire lost its grip on the world, inventor Terrence Smedley felt an inspiration. His inspiration was to cross the English Channel in a motorized bathtub.
The rather odd inventor wanted to be the first man to do so. The tub sank after traveling 500 yards off shore. He was rescued by a ferry that was passing by.
[I wonder if he took his rubber ducky life preserver.]
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L'amour...Toujours L'amour
PARIS, France - Bizarre News scans the globe in search of bizarre rituals, news, or just plain idiocy. This story combines all of these elements. Two teenagers were arrested and were nearly killed after they created a subway disturbance.
Apparently they were walking down the tracks in between stations when the young stud began kissing and fondling his girlfriend. One thing led to another and they began to make love in between the tracks.
If it were not for a vigilant conductor, authorities said they would have surely perished.
[When I was a kid, I thought sticking a quarter in a vibrating bed was "cool".]
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Hide Your Women...or Your Garden Gnomes
PARIS - It is no longer acceptable to malign or slander your garden gnomes. That's right; someone is fighting to protect your gnomes from captivity and ridicule.
The Garden Gnome Liberation Front has emerged from their underground lair long enough to steal 20 gnomes in order to set them free. This same savvy group was responsible for the disappearance of over 150 garden gnomes in 1997, but the ringleader was caught, and fined.
Parisians were shocked by the brutal 1998 mass gnome suicide in Briey. 11 were found dangling by their necks under a bridge. The note left behind said, "When you read these few words we will no longer be a part of your selfish world, where we serve merely as pretty decoration."
[Leave it to those wacky French. No wonder they love Jerry Lewis.]
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Safe Canadian Sex
CALGARY - Finally, a study we can all learn from. Queens University in Calgary, Alberta has conducted a survey on the sexual habits of 800 people in five city bars.
They discovered that the inebriated were more likely to practice safe sex than their sober counterparts. Tara MacDonald and three other researchers asked some intrusive questions of their liquored-up subjects. They were given a Breathalyzer test, and asked to read a sexual scenario before answering a series of highly personal questions.
The bar had stamped hands with "AIDS Kills", "Safe Sex", or a happy face.
"We found that a drunk person with a smiley face was more likely than a sober people to have intentions to have unsafe sex, whereas intoxicated persons with Aids Kills stamps were half as likely as sober people to report intentions to engage in sex without a condom."
[And no; the study was not funded by Seagram's.]
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The Proof Is In The Ordnance
TUCSON, Arizona - In order to prove that the schools are not safe enough for teachers or students, sixth grade teacher Kathy Morris pumped a .38 caliber slug into her own shoulder in an empty classroom and claimed a young Hispanic man had shot her.
The 35-year-old Morris broke down under questioning and admitted she shot herself, but not before classes were dismissed for the day and the entire neighborhood was searched. Morris has also, apparently, been sending herself threatening letters, a sheriff's spokeswoman said.
She is currently on paid administrative leave pending an investigation.
[Tough way to get a paid leave, if you ask me. I'm sure the students were mourning her misfortune on their day off.]
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Two guys are walking across the street when they run into a mutual friend, and they comment on how prosperous-looking he is. It turns out he has every reason to be: he's got an eighty-foot yacht, a beautiful wife, a private jet plane, and a million dollars in the bank.
You can imagine their surprise when they run into him two weeks later, dressed in rags and shuffling along dejectedly.
They press the sad story out of him. Apparently, he loaned the yacht to a friend who ran it aground and wrecked it, and he no insurance. So? say the two guys. It's only a boat.
Yes,but I didn't have any insurance on the jet either, and it was destroyed in a fire at the airstrip
Hey, take heart, say his friends, at least you've still got your lovely wife and bank balance.
"Not so fast fellas", says the poor guy, "my wife ditched me for another guy and her lawyer took me for every cent I had. I'll tell you, if I've learned one thing from all this, here's what it is, 'If it flies, floats, or fucks, lease it.'"
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
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A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her. The rural housewife over to the closet and retrieved her husband's .44 caliber pistol.
Aiming the weapon at her husband's testicles she shouted, "I'm a-gonna turn this bull into a steer, Chuck !"
"No no !" pleaded Chuck. "Not like this ! C'mon, Jodi, give me a sporting chance, darlin' !"
"All right, fair enuff. I will. You can set 'em to swinging first."
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DDL
There once was a man from Bombay
Who ate gallons of beans every day
He farted so loud,
He attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away.
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Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
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How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
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If you think the dead never come back to life, look around at quitting time.
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In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2000
Exotic dancer practises routine in front yard
LAFAYETTE, Ind. (AP) -- Neighbors of an exotic dancer don't appreciate the free show they've been getting.
Still, county officials say it's up to police and prosecutors to decide whether to stop her from practicing her routines in her front yard.
Kim Mattes' "performances" have threatened public safety because motorists often drive irresponsibly while gawking at the dancer, neighbor Sherri DesEnfants said.
"When something gets done about this, I guess, is when there's an accident and somebody gets killed," DesEnfants said.
The practices have gone on for two years, but got out of hand recently when Mattes incorporated a 10-foot flagpole into her routine, said neighbor Mitch Robbins.
Neighbors have complained to Tippecanoe County officials, who say they can't do a thing about it.
"It's in the jurisdiction of the law enforcement," commission president Ruth Shedd told the (Lafayette) Journal and Courier.
Mattes' attorney, William Wendling, said some of the allegations were "half-truths." And a friend of the dancer said the neighbors haven't approached her directly with their concerns.
"If someone had asked her to stop rather than taking it to the media, she would have done something to accommodate them," Jeff Taylor said.
The sheriff's department says it has forwarded the complaints, and turned over videotape of Mattes' practices to the prosecutor. Prosecutor Jerry Bean said Monday he hopes to decide by the end of the week whether Mattes has broken the law.