Daily Dose - 000515 - duel, Bizarre News, proctologist, new cabin, "I think that I shall never see", DDL, Hey Martha
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"
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Bizarre News...
Man Kills Villager In Fight, Then Eats Him
PORT MORESBY, New Guinea - A village dispute in Papua New Guinea ended with a man tearing out the eyes, testicles and heart of another and eating them, police said on Tuesday.
Villagers watched in horror as Moropia Silkapi, 35, attacked the body of Yakamup Makatu, 55, police told Reuters on Tuesday. Police said an argument between Silkapi and Makatu earlier in the day left Makatu's house burnt to the ground.
After a fight, "Silkapi caught Makatu and smashed his head with a rock, killing him. He then ate him," Simanjon said.
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Don't Try This At Home!
LONDON - What has to be one of the MOST bizarre stories we have heard comes once again from those wacky Brits.
Heather Perry, 29, says she has finally cured her chronic fatigue by resorting to do-it-yourself brain surgery and drilling a hole in her own head.
It's an ancient technique called trepanning - cutting away a section of the scalp and drilling into the skull. Perry's bid to rid herself of the inflammation of her brain and spinal chord, by drilling a two-centimeter hole to allow blood to flow more easily around the brain, almost went wrong when she drilled too far and penetrated a membrane protecting her brain tissue.
She performed the operation under local anesthetic in front of a mirror and a camera crew.
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Today's Youth Under Increasing Pressure
BANGKOK, Thailand - Your humble editor didn't believe this story until research proved it to be true. Teens everywhere try to get kicks in different ways, but this new craze sweeping Thailand called "pumping" is truly bizarre.
What is this you ask? Well "pumping" involves placing the nozzle of a bicycle pump up one's rectum and literally pumping air until the air escapes from the posterior making a loud, vulgar sound.
Apparently the louder the sound, the more amusing. A 13-year-old, Charnchai Puanmuangpak planned for a record and proceeded to place an electric air compressor hose up his backside. He was admitted to the hospital with internal bleeding.
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A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything.
However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.
When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something.
"Good God!!!", the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain-there are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!".
The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!!"
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The redneck drove his bride to see the new cabin he had built. She admired its spaciousness and sturdy construction but had one question. "Jeb, honey, where's the door?"
"Door?" he grunted, "You aimin' to go someplace?"
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I think that I shall never see
A woman who can aim her pee
In spite of efforts large and small
She cannot aim her stream at all
In moments when decision matters
Her target is a mass of splatters
While men,displaying minor graces
score bull's eyes from a dozen paces
Nature,in its awesome wisdom
selected man as King of Pissdom
Trees and walls bear silent witness
To accurate male plumbing fitness
While satin soft and cotton flimsy
must suffer female peeing whimsy
The lines at restrooms we're withstanding
The urgent bladder's stern demanding
Puddles are made by gals like me
But only guys can aim their pee.
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DDL
There once was woman from Norway,
Who hung from her heels in the doorway,
She said to her young man,
Get off the divan,
I think I've discovered one more way.
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In Pennsylvania, two Amish men were arrested for distributing cocaine.
"Police got suspicious when they noticed a horse pulling a Camaro."
(Conan O'Brien)
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Why are opinions like assholes?
1. Everybody has one.
2 No one is interested in anyone else's.
3. They all stink.
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I seem to be suffering from a new disease called the KRAFT DISEASE.
You know, Kan't Remember A Fucking Thing.
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Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal'.
William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, May. 03, 2000
350-pound man accused of suffocating wife
ENGLEWOOD, Colo. (AP) -- A 350-pound man who had argued with his wife over her drinking is accused of suffocating her by lying on her for up to 15 minutes.
Darrell Moore, 30, was jailed without bail on suspicion of murder in the death of his 32-year-old wife, Bonita.
She was pronounced dead at a hospital Friday shortly after her husband called for help because she wasn't breathing, police said. Officers found her unconscious on the living-room floor of the couple's apartment.
"They were having a fight," Sgt. Gary Condreay said. "They pushed each other and he wound up on top of her on the ground."
The coroner listed the cause of death as asphyxia from chest compression.
"They were arguing over her spending the rent money and drinking. She had been out buying beer. The argument started when she came home," Condreay said.