Daily Dose - 000514 - Allan Greenspan, Height of ...., label instructions, FLIGHT ATTENDANT, Revised Pre-amble, IF YOU LICK YOUR ENVELOPES
Today's selection are from Kussy - from the Campbell Soup Company.
(Don't ask....)
When Allan Greenspan (not Allan Lie), Chairman of the Federal Reserve visited Indonesia, he was invited to give a speech in Borobudur Room about "Indonesian economic problems and how to solve them."
When he finished, suddenly all of us who attended his speech, asked the same question: "How did America survive the great depression and the economic turmoil recently?"
With his expressive body language, he answered our question. "As all of you know, America, like Indonesia, is a very big country, both of us have big natural resources, but ........
America has 3 things that Indonesia doesn't have:
first ..... we had Johny Cash, the great entertainer in Las Vegas second ..... we have Bob Hope, the great comedian, and third ..... we have Stevie Wonder, the black American singer, although he is blind, he gives a lot of inspiration.
Indonesia .....?
No Cash, no Hope, and no Wonder
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Height of Technology : Condom with zip.
Height of Foolishness : A guy peeping thru' the keyhole of a glass door
Height of Noise : Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
Height of Unemployment : Cobweb in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Competition : A guy peeing beside a waterfall. A topless lady standing near Mount Everest.
Height of Bravery : A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication : Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Penetration : A baby girl born pregnant.
Height of fashion : A female applying LipStick to her vertical lips.
Height of patience : A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for a banana to fall in her pussy.
Height of Accuracy : The banana falling right into her pussy
Height of PAIN : The whole bunch falling in !!!!!!!!!!!!
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new - actual label instructions on consumer products;
On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT.
WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
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THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay male flight attendant who was just way too happy with his job. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the only two passengers in first class -- a man and a woman -- "The captain has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just... put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines," he cooed. "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
She slowly turned her head toward the flight attendant and announced, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one!"
The flight attendant snapped back, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen... so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch."
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Revised Pre-amble
WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".
Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament.
Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the bloody country. Not that whingeing.
We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s.
Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase. We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.
We the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.
Now bugger off, we're sleeping.
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Q. What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world?
A. A girl who is free for the evening.
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Q. What is the definition of true male eloquence?
A. When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.
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I wish I was a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
Cos how could you be grumpy
When sun shines out your bum.
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"Normal is getting dressed clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it".
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Sounds like another "Urban Legend" to me.....
Yuck.....
IF YOU LICK YOUR ENVELOPES ...
If you do, You won't anymore!!!!!
This lady was working in a post office in California, one day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope.
A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat.
She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor, took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled out.
There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...
This is a true story...Pass it on
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Liezl James
Research Support Services
University of Cape Town
Tel: (021) 406-6409
Fax: (021) 406-6390
E-mail: ljames@curie.uct.ac.za <mailto:ljames@curie.uct.ac.za>