Daily Dose - 000513 - Olga and Olie, Bizarre News, ladies' room, Priest At the Track, bigger back in Texas, DDL, Hey Martha
Olga and Olie getting married.
Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk.
"Olga, how old are you?"
Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary."
Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?"
Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall."
"And how much do you weigh, Olga?" was the next question.
"I weigh yust about 185 pounds."
"Wow", exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!!"
"Oh no," answered Olga. "I yust play with Olie's packer."
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Bizarre News....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Benefits of Farting Explained; 1727
[I've already read this to my wife]
Performing Goats; 1895
[This is actually a children's book.]
New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers; 1981
[One can only fantasize about the connection here.]
How to Cook Roadkill: Gourmet Cooking; 1987
Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention; 1912
[We think time is the culprit and the only way for prevention is death.]
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Prison Inmate Sees No Evil In Y2K
CONCORD, NH - A prison inmate sewed his eyes and lips shut with dental floss because he feared the new year, officials said.
New Hampshire State Prison guards found the inmate, who was serving time for cocaine possession, covered in baby powder and clutching a Bible Friday night, said Mark Wefers, chief of internal investigations at the prison.
"The inmate told corrections officers he was in fear of the new year," Wefers said.
The prisoner, whose name wasn't released, used needles that guards found in his cell. It was not clear where he got the needles. The inmate suffered some blood loss, but not enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. He was being held at the prison for psychological and medical evaluation.
[It's the old "if I can't see you, you can't see me" defense. I guess it didn't work when this guy was arrested, either.]
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After X-Mas Kidney Sale
TEHRAN - More than 500 Iranian hard-liners have pledged to sell one of their kidneys to pay for the murder of British author Salman Rushdie, condemned to death 10 years ago, a newspaper reported.
Rushdie, who only recently emerged from hiding, is accused of blasphemy in his novel The Satanic Verses. A total of 508 people have already signed up to sell a kidney.
[Blasphemy just isn't as lucrative as it used to be. Assassination, however, can net you at least 508 kidneys.]
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Breakfast Drink Turns London Girl Orange
Would you be green with envy if you could change the complexion of your skin? Well, a five-year-old British girl has discovered that plenty of Sunny Delight will do the trick, although maybe not exactly how you would want it.
At 1.5 liters a day of the bright orange drink, the child had consumed enough beta carotene to turn her skin orange.
A spokesman for Sunny Delight's makers said, "This child has drunk more Sunny Delight than the total amount of fluid that you would expect a child of that age to drink in a day."
They went on to say that there is no risk of toxicity and that she should return to the pink of health in no time.
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Werewolf in London Nabbed Again
LONDON, England - Bill Ramsey has a problem. He has been jailed and put into psychiatric restraints three times in the past 18 years and now wants the world to know why.
He says he is an honest to God, real life werewolf. He snarls and howls at the moon for 20 minutes at a time and this has made his life a living Hell.
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Wife Sues For Divorce After Sexual Rebuff
BALTIMORE, MD - A wacky newlywed attacked her husband in a rage after he refused to have sex one more time with her.
Why? Apparently the couple had already had sex four times and her husband was, "tired from working all day."
Police were called to the scene after objects were thrown through windows and loud arguments during her enraged aftermath. She is suing on the grounds of sexual incompatibility.
[Heck, only four times? When I was a kid I dreamed that I nailed Charlie's Angels three times each.]
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In court to defend himself on charges of rape, Antonio Lozano turned down a plea bargain of 20 years. He then proceeded to tell the predominantly female jury and Judge Sharon McRae that "it's a man's world and I can do what I want."
Lozano went on to justify his actions by saying "men rule and women drool." Somehow, this strategy backfired... the jury gave him 45 years.
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A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
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On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light. Finally, she rang for the steward.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
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Priest At the Track
Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and the horse won each time.
So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank to withdraw his life's savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash on that horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was far behind ... dead last! Charlie was crushed.
He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because of your failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life's savings."
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest, "you never could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites."
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A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "Wood tick"..
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DDL
There was a young Scot in Madrid
Who got fifty-five lays for a quid.
When they said, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as good as I did."
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Customer: Give me a pound of those grapes. My husband really likes them. Do you know if they've been sprayed with any kind of poison?
Grocery Clerk: No, ma'am; you'll have to get that at the drug store.
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Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows."
"I do," retorted Holmes. "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
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Original, star wars
One day, after watching one of the Star Wars films, I was musing out loud about the Death Star, and whether it had facilities like toilets or washing machines.
Then I posed the following question to my family: If Darth Vader sends his robes to the Death Star laundry, would that be considered The Dark Load of the Sith?
My wife hit me.
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If quitters never win,
and winners never cheat,
then who is the fool who said
"Quit while you're ahead"?
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, Apr. 3, 2000
Naps encouraged at company
HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) -- Craig Yarde doesn't mind if his employees sleep on the job.
In fact, Yarde, president of Yarde Metals Inc., plans to encourage workers at his Bristol headquarters to take a midday snooze today.
Bringing a lawn chair or blanket of their own, employees will get an eye mask to block out the light and a turkey sandwich, whose ingredients have long been believed to bring on sleep.
To help, fiddlers and guitarists will play soothing music.
"They're going to start off real mild and mellow," Yarde said, then "jazz it up" at the end of the session so workers can head back to work.
The event is part of the first National Workplace Napping Day, started by a Reading, Mass., couple who wrote two napping guides and believe the breaks boost productivity and employee morale.
"The nap is just wonderful for any employee who feels that tired, draggy feeling in the beginning of the afternoon," said Camille Anthony, who co-wrote the 1999 book, "The Art of Napping at Work," with her husband, Bill.
At least six companies across the nation and a group of students at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Va., have signed on with the event, organizers said Friday.