Daily Dose - 000510 - Blue Cheer, Bizarre News, self made man, THE KISS THING, sin of lying, infrequently, DDL, The Onion
One day Jack decided that he was going to show the world his new Blue Cheer laundry detergent. He went up to this lady's house and asked if he could wash some of her clothes. She agreed. "Okay lady, I will need a blouse, socks, a pair of your dirty underwear and two bowls of water."
"Alright, hold on a second," and she went to get those things.
Jack took the blouse and began to sing while washing it. "WASH, WASH, WASH IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE! IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE."
The lady smelled her blouse and said, "Oh my, this does smell good! Here try my socks!"
"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE. IT SMELLS LIKE A ROSE!"
The lady smelled her socks and said, "Wonderful! Here try my underwear!"
"WASH, WASH, WASH, IN MY NEW BLUE CHEER! RINSE, RINSE, RINSE IN THE CLEAR WATER AND RUN IT UNDER YOUR NOSE AND...
WASH, WASH, WASH!"
_______________________
Bizarre News....
JANUARY IS...
National Careers in Cosmetology Month
National Eye Health Care Month
National Fiber Focus Month
National Hobby Month
National Soup Month
Hot Tea Month
Oatmeal Month
Prune Breakfast Month
Child Labor Day - January 31
Punch the Clock Day - January 27
*******
Woman Lands $700K In Bank SNAFU
NEW YORK - Susan Madakor, 40, a single mother who lives in public housing, discovered $700,000 in her account at Chase Manhattan Bank. The money was intended for a United Nations environmental fund and ended up in Madakor's account by mistake, but she thought the money was a jackpot from a lottery she played.
By the time the mistake was discovered, Madakor left her job at a textile company and bought a laundry business for $100,000, set up a college savings fund for her 10-year-old son, paid off $30,000 in credit card debt, furnished a new apartment and leased a van.
Now she is fighting to get the money back in court. The foreign governments that provided the funds used an account number that was off by one digit.
[I guess when the brass ring literally falls in your lap, you don't ask questions!]
*******
Zealot Loses To Gravity
JAKARTA, Indonesia - A man charged with murder thought hecould beat the rap by taking advantage of a legal loop hole.
Apparently, policeman are not allowed to arrest someone who is in the midst of practicing a religious ritual. So he began to stand on his head, which is a ritual practiced by a local cult.
After days of being upside down, he surrendered to authorities complaining of numb feet.
[How was this numb nut thinking he would escape?]
*******
Show And Tell In Anatomy Class
LOS ANGELES, California - Just when you thought public schools couldn't get any wackier comes high school teacher Tracy Niederkirk.
This young, shapely school teacher has been fired after stripping naked in a class teaching anatomy.
Apparently the class skeleton wasn't enough for her, so she wanted to use her own body to point out the finer points of the female body.
[I was stuck in a Midwestern high school with a 65-year-old male basketball coach teaching this stuff.]
********
In Other Viagra Related News...
Customs officials have thwarted an attempt to smuggle a large quantity of the anti-impotence drug, Viagra, into Egypt from Britain. It is reported to be one of the biggest hauls ever made of the drug in Egypt.
Customs officials at Cairo airport say they were alerted by the nervous behavior of an Egyptian tour representative accompanying a group of tourists from Britain. Opening up the group's bags, they found that the Egyptian was carrying nearly 15,000 Viagra pills, as well as a large quantity of sedatives. It is understood they were to be distributed to dealers for sale over the New Year period.
*********
Man Escapes Fire... But Freezes To Death
SWEDEN - A Swedish man escaped from a blaze at a hunting cabin in Sweden. But in a strange twist of fate he froze to death!
In his haste he fled, naked, on a snowmobile. The Swedish newspaper, The Daily Aftonbladet, said the man failed to save any of his clothes after the fire broke out on Saturday night in the cabin at Klovsjo. He was found dead on his snowmobile on Sunday afternoon, about four km (2.5 miles) from the burnt-out cabin, with no apparent injuries from the fire.
________________________
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"
The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self made man."
"I am."
"Well, why did you make yourself like that?"
________________________
THE KISS THING
He's teaching her arithmetic
He said it was his mission ,
he kissed her once, he kissed her twice
and said now that's addition.
And as he added smack by smack
in silent satisfaction ,
She sweetly kissed him back
and said now that's subtraction.
Then he kissed her 'n she kissed him
without an explanation ,
and both together smiled and said
that's multiplication.
then dad arrived upon the scene
and made a quick decision ,
he kicked the kid three blocks away
and said that's long division.
_______________________
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
______________________
A young couple had just started their honeymoon. The new husband asked his new bride how often they were going to have sex now that they were married.
The new bride, after some thought, answered, "infrequently".
The new husband then asked, "is that one word or two?"
______________________
DDL
There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been before ya."
_______________________
Q. Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't spell?
A. He spent all night alone in a warehouse.
______________________
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
* Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
_____________________
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.
____________________
Therapy is expensive.
Poppin' bubble wrap is cheap.
The choice is yours!
____________________
The Onion (biting satire)
Neglect Of Wife, Children Results In Promotion
NEWARK, NJ--Six years of familial neglect netted longtime Prudential Insurance employee Walt Arness a major promotion to national vice-president of accounting Monday.
"Well done, Walt," Prudential CEO Art Ryan said. "For six years, while other employees were busy getting out of work early to see their kids' soccer games and spending Saturdays with their wives, you were tirelessly dedicating yourself to this company. And for that, you will be handsomely rewarded."
As part of his new job, Arness will spend 25 weeks a year on the road, supervising accounting operations in Prudential offices across the U.S.