Daily Dose - 000509 - babies, Bizarre News, joy of having a dick, TOP 13 REJECTED COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES, Three cowboys, DDL, Hey Mahmood
Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said Little Baby Johnny.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"
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Bizarre News....
Man Shot Over Dog Attack
TIRANA - An Albanian father and son have been sentenced to 16 years in prison for the slaying of a fellow villager in a tragic case murder and revenge.
The victim was walking his two horses home at night when he was attacked by a dog. Fearing for his safety the man shot it, a local newspaper said.
The owners witnessed the brutal dog-slaying from their doorstep, and exacted their revenge by riddling the villager with multiple machine gun rounds. The dog did not survive.
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Onward Christian Soldiers
BILLINGS, Montana - A female police officer has recently been dismissed for being "too Christian."
It seems that when filing her reports, she had trouble distinguishing between misdemeanors and "the Devil's work." All of her reports were couched in the language of the Book of Revelations.
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On Your Mark... Get Set... Cry!
TOKYO, Japan - What would an issue be without a story from Japan?
Recently a television show has been canceled for violating even Japanese sensibilities. The latest game show involved bringing a pre-adolescent child on stage and pretending that his mother had just been shot.
The reason for this bit of cruelty? Contestants guessed how much time it would take for the child to break into tears.
(Didn't Janet Reno and CNN do something like that lately - in Miami ?)
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Japanese Tobacco Company Buys Into Lung Cancer Vaccine
FOSTER CITY, Calif. - More than ever before, the lives of cigarette smokers are in the hands of the tobacco companies, and one company in particular.
The pharmaceutical unit of Japan Tobacco, the world's third-largest cigarette company, has invested heavily in a revolutionary lung cancer vaccine being produced by a U.S. firm. Cell Genesys, Inc. announced a payment of $4.5 million following the completion of a clinical trial of GVAX lung cancer vaccine.
If successful you'll be able to buy both your death and life from the same brand.
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Give Prisoners Keys To Their Cells?
OTTAWA - Get rid of the razor wire around prisons, give most inmates keys to their rooms - and let them prepare their own meals.
A task force appointed by the Canadian government made these recommendations in a report released Tuesday that immediately fueled the debate over whether Canada is soft on crime.
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"This is a robb. Plouas put outut teller. No one will git hurt. Thank," read the note handed to a teller at the Washington Mutual Bank.
When she couldn't decipher it, the would-be robber fled.
(Bettr lukk nex tyme...)
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I'll tell you a short poem;
I'll try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by senditive skin
That's smooth and rarely hairless
It starts to grow dramatically,
When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
It's ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;
It's like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldn't.
And during the summer,
wearing little, sunning on the beach
The slightest sight of shaking boobs
And to cover up you'll have to reach
Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.
They peek across in uninals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
Theres no way that they can pee
Masturbating is a sin;
That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.
Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
It has to main bodily functions
I'm sure you'll all agree
To start a whole new life
And of course, daily to pee
But I think the thing that's marvelous;
About that one eyed brude
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot
And always it remains with you;
Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though,
Or you'll be thrown in jail.
And so to summarize I'd say with certaintly
That every male loves his little friend
But girls, no matter what we do,
Please don't fold, spindle mutilate
And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!
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THE TOP 13 REJECTED COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES
13. The Trailer Sure Seems Lonely Now That You and Our Nine Kids Are Gone
12. You Can Take the Boy Outta the Country, but You Can't Take the Bullets Outta That Liberal City-Boy Who Just Cut Me Off in His Saab
11. Smells Like Team Roping
10. I Dropped the Bookcase On My Darlin' and Pleaded Shelf Defense
9. (Her Bar Tab Is a) Leading Economic Indicator
8. I Thought I Had Tourette's, But I Just Like Talkin' Dirty To You
7. You're My Kleenex of Love, and I'm Afraid I'm Gonna Blow It
6. Bacon and Eczema For Two
5. Achy, Breaky, Hanky, Panky, Am I Drunk or Are You Skanky?
4. The Ballad of Pretty Mouth Dan
3. My Urine is A-Burnin', and You'd Better Believe I'm Pissed
2. Tearstains on My Pillow Are the Only Wet Spots in My Bed
1. I Can't Stop Thinkin' About Cowboys (And I'm a Cowboy, Too)
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Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three.
The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".
Then the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers. She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".
Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".
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DDL
There was an old person named Stout
Who uncertainly wandered about.
He would drop in and say
In a vague sort of way,
`Do excuse me. I'm just going out.'
This beautiful harlot from Lubies,
Won fame for possessing two rubies.
It's not big red stones,
That makes her so known,
It's the nipples on her mountainous white boobies!
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Bumper sticker seen in New York:
Honk if you love honking.
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What do you do when you see your husband staggering around in the back yard?
Shoot him again!
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Man is the king of his castle.
A king is a ruler.
A ruler is 12 inches.
Still think you're a man?
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After Dallas Cowboy's wide receiver Michael Irvin got caught with drugs and prostitutes, the Cowboy's owner Jerry Jones called him in and said,
"How many times do I have to tell you, we do endorsements for Nike and Pepsi -
NOT NOOKIE AND COKE!"
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Hey Mahmood ! (true)
April 16, 2000
Arab Times
Newly-Wed Couple Fined For "Biting"
Kuwait City: The Criminal Court fined a briide KD 50 and the bridegroom KD 150 for "hitting and biting" each other on their wedding night, reported Al-Anba.
Their marriage was wracked with problems from the very start. A bitter dispute on the first night ended up in the Court of Personal Status, where the husband demanded his wife live with him in his house.
The court orderd her to move to her husband's house and she complied. Though she agreed to move in with her husband, she refused to sleep with him. Enraged, he tried to force himself on his wife. She defended herself, biting him in several places and he responded by slapping her face and punching her several times.
Both of them filed complaints at the police station. In court the woman argued she was merely defending herself, while the husband insisted he has certain conjugal rights.
The court ruled that both parties went too far and shared the blame.
(arranged marriage?, or the Kuwait version of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionare" ?)