Daily Dose - 000508 - lover's lane, Bizarre News, Viens a moi, offendable, confessional, DDL, Hey Martha
As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers' lane, she sighed romantically: "It's lovely out here tonight. Just listen to the crickets."
"Those aren't crickets, dear," her date replied. "They're zippers."
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Bizarre News....
Takes A Licking Keeps On Ticking!
SAN FRANCISCO - It was Pearlean Fulcher's lucky day. She was pushed onto subway tracks and run over by three cars but walked away with only a bump on the head.
Fulcher, 41, was released from the hospital soon after Wednesday morning's incident. "She fell in such a way that she landed lengthwise with the track in a sort of depressed area," said Mike Healy, a spokesman for the Bay Area Rapid Transit. "She was extremely lucky."
Witnesses said they saw a man push Fulcher in front of a train after an argument, Healy said. The man, James Belcher, 46, was booked for attempted murder, Healy said. He said Belcher and Fulcher apparently know each other.
[Know each other too well, I think. Maybe they should try a little time apart.]
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Venice Levies "Pee-Pee" Tax On Tourists
VENICE, Italy - A word of caution... if you are traveling to central Venice in the near future make sure you go to the bathroom at your hotel. In a bid to tap deeper into its rich stream of non-resident revenue, the watery city overtaken by millions of visitors is saddling them with a "toilet tax" - a steep surcharge on the price of using public lavatories.
Introduced in September, what critics have dubbed the "pee-pee tax" charges non-residents 1,000 lira (US 52 cents) per visit.
City residents, meanwhile, can buy a 6,000 lira ($3) three-year pass allowing them access to public conveniences for 500 lira (US 26 cents) a time.
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Midair Collision Results In Miraculous Landing
PLANT CITY, Fla. - You couldn't reproduce this trick with an army of stunt men and director John Woo, but it happened to Jay Perrin, 19, and Flight instructor Alan Vangee, 65.
The wheel of Perrin's plane smashed through the windshield of Vangee's plane while Vangee was giving a flying lesson. The two planes became entangled and the only solution was to land the planes as they were. Vangee took over the controls of the Cessna and landed the double-decker plane safely.
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Bulges Betray Optimistic Smuggler
MIAMI Fla. - Hawkeyed customs officials became suspicious of Barbados pet store owner Rodney Carrington when he tried to enter the U.S. with his pants bulging in several unusual places.
He told customs officers at Miami International Airport he had nothing to declare, but when the bulges began moving and wriggling they decided to investigate.
What they found were 55 4-inch-long red-footed tortoises which Carrington had stuffed down his pants. They cost about $5 in Barbados, but go for up to $75 in the U.S.
["So, is that a snapping turtle in your pocket or..." sorry, someone had to say it, and it might as well be me.]
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Two blonde girls walk into a department store.They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi,ladies, means 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
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[This one should pretty much offend everyone that's offendable.]
I don't care WHO you are, quit walking on the water while I'm fishing!
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
---Terry Pratchett, 'Small Gods'
And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords - Alan Wilson Watts
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.
-- G.K. Chesterton
I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
In a crisis call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Heavenly Basketball: Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... .....He SCORES!
That was Zen. this is Tao.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe.
-- Malaclypse the Younger
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting tonight.
Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely.
Confession without repentance is just bragging.
- Rev. Eugene Bolton
Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
"I don't question YOUR existence." - God
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The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, my child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
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DDL
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
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HUSBAND: "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
WIFE: "That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart!"
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True Story -
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to sell imported hardcore pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
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When your conscious becomes unconscious, ...you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, ...you are stoned.
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What is a fine?? A tax for doing wrong.
What is a tax?? A fine for doing well.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, March 23, 2000
Teen punished with Wayne Newton marathon
TROY, Mich. (AP) -- A rap fan ticketed for violating the city's loud-radio ordinance served two hours of hard time Tuesday listening to the music of Las Vegas crooner Wayne Newton.
Justin Rushford, 18, sat in Troy's courthouse and listened to the entire Wayne Newton Greatest Hits compact disc several times. He's now saying "Danke Schoen."
"Yes! I'm done," The Oakland Press reported Rushford saying moments after completing the sentence.
Wearing baggy blue jeans, a white fleece top and a gold hoop in each ear, he told the Detroit Free Press "it makes me think about other people's styles of music. I probably wouldn't appreciate it if some old man drove past me blasting this music."
Rushford was ticketed March 5 ticket for excessive noise and obstructed view. He was riding through Troy with his windows down, the radio blaring and fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror.
Troy District Judge Michael Martone, waived the jail time and fines for violating the noise ordinance.
Martone, known for handing down novel sentences, such as having drunken drivers watch autopsies, said he "meant no disrespect" for the perennial crooner.