Daily Dose - 000506 - Indian Reservation, Fairness, melt in her hands, condolences, STUFF YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO KNOW, DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN, snuggle boopy boops
Today's DD jokes courtesy of John in Qatar...
Indian Reservation
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
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Fairness
ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers. Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Bill pointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV , which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
God Bless America!
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Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt!
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? Answer at the end of the mail
Answer to quiz
They were M&M's, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking?) WELL!!!!!!!!!
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.
Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night is the same scenario. She is standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
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Heard this one?
What is 300 meters long and has an arshole at each end?
A radar trap.
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STUFF YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED TO KNOW.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."
There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwenuakitatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,"L.A."
Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can scent the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
And "decimate" is based on the Roman punishment where every 10th man in a Roman legion was beaten to death by his 9 fellow members.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."
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THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses.
They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard"
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This husband and wife go off to bed.As soon as they settle down, the man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".
The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".