Daily Dose - 000503 - Russian couple, coffeepot, Bizarre News, Top 16 Bad Merger Ideas, sex manual, DDL, Hey Martha
The Russian couple sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a black market copy of a sex manual.
"Honey, I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"
She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavors they have," she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana........"
"What did you get?" he interrupted.
"Tuna," she replied.
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At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladie's room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been untiil someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."
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Bizarre News....
Duct Tape Keeps Wife Faithful
PHOENIX, AZ - There's a long standing saw that says, "If you can't fix it, Duct Tape it."
But one Phoenix resident took this axiom too literally when he employed a roll of the tape to bind his wife to her legal obligations.
To ensure his wife showed up for her court date, Robert Horton bound her arms, legs and mouth with duct tape and drove her to Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix. He dropped her off at the security officer's desk in a very matter-of-fact manner.
Wife Belinda was arrested several days prior for aggravated assault and resisting arrest, but was unwilling to talk this time even after the tape was removed.
Authorities are still considering whether to bring charges against Robert.
[And they say trust is the glue that binds a marriage together.]
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Boobs Crush Competition In Japan
OSAKA, Japan - So you thought that the US was the only place with outlandish game shows? Well how about the Japanese game show that has scantily clad women in bikinis who take turns crushing aluminum cans with their breasts.
The last round of "sweeps" in Japan had this show among the most heavily viewed shows in prime time.
["Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" my left foot. Let's get THIS show on American TV.]
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The Devil Targets Masturbators
TEL AVIV, Israel - The Holy Land is credited with being the birthplace of all three monotheistic religions. But in recent years, it has become a magnet for unorthodox interpretations of scripture.
That's where Rabbi David Batzri comes in. It seems that the Rabbi recently began advertising his services to a special group of sinners. He specializes in blessings designed to save obsessive masturbators from being possessed by the devil.
[We think he is just building a mailing list.]
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ATM Unloads Jackpot For Minnesota Man
FRIDLEY, Minnesota - On his way to work Wednesday, Keith Obraske stopped by an ATM machine to withdraw $20 for soda and cigarettes. But the machine didn't stop at $20. It kept pumping out bills until he had $5,580.
"I felt like I'd won the lottery," said Obraske. "I just kept scooping it up."
[Anybody ever hear of Fridley, Minnesota? It was discovered by an Alabaman hankering for snow...]
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Preschooler Helps Drive Uncle To Sheriff's
MOULTON, Alabama - Last week Emmett Ayers II needed to get to the Sheriff's department to pick up his suspended driver's license. Problem was he couldn't drive there without that license.
So he allegedly enlisted his 4-year-old nephew to drive the car. The chief jailer and other deputies said they saw the car pull up with the boy standing on the driver's seat while Ayers worked the gas and brake from the passenger's seat.
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Kidnapped Man Comes Out Blazing
CORAL SPRINGS, Fla. - 21-year-old Carl Lee Reese's luck went from bad to worse when he carjacked a Lexus belonging to Paul Brite, 53.
Brite was confronted by the gunman at a carwash and forced to climb into his own trunk. Reese drove off, but pulled to the side of the road a short while later fearing Brite had a cellular phone with him.
When he opened the trunk the victim came out brandishing two handguns that he had stored there earlier. The kidnapper refused to comply with several commands to lie on the ground, even after a warning shot. Brite was finally forced to shoot his attacker in the abdomen when Reese reached for his pocket.
Police said they do not plan to charge Brite.
[Who wants to bet Reese was pro gun control?]
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Some brilliant police work has led to an arrest in a convenience store hold up in Fort Smith, Arkansas.
Authorities say James Newsome walked into the store brandishing a pistol, and wearing an orange hardhat with "James Newsome" written on the front.
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The Top 16 Bad Merger Ideas
16> Mennen Black & Decker
15> Brother Cannon Sperry Daimler
14> Rubbermaid Snap-On Genuine Parts
13> Olde McDonald's Hickory Farms
12> Eaton Apple Caterpillar
11> Good 'n' Plenty Johnson Wax
10> Motel 6 Hostess
9> Camel Apple
8> Hershey Gateway
7> Microsoft Weinerschnitzel
6> Star-Kist Tuna Aqua Net
5> Blue Cross Dresser Industries
4> Pfizer Wang Boeing
3> Yahoo! Wendy's Intuit
2> Playboy Staples Busch
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Merger Idea...
1> Zippo Johnson & Johnson Hertz
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The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why. He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
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DDL
There once was a man from McBride,
Who could fart whenever he tried,
At a contest he blew
Two thousand and two,
Then shit and was disqualified.
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Q. What's the definition of oral sex?
A. The taste of things to come.
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I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
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Anybody who says that money can't buy happiness did not have $10,000 invested in AOL stock eight years ago.
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How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
Smell his breath.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
Scottish mountain range for sale
ISLE OF SKYE, Scotland (AP) -- A Scottish mountain range which has belonged to a single clan for about 1,200 years was put on sale Wednesday in a bid to raise funds to refurbish a nearby castle and promote tourism and conservation.
The Cuillin mountain range on the Isle of Skye, part of the Inner Hebridies off northwest Scotland, spans about 35 square miles. Owner John MacLeod -- the 29th chief of the MacLeod clan -- put the land on the market and invited offers of more than $16 million.
MacLeod said he hoped to raise money to repair nearby Dunvegan Castle, which he has built into a major tourist attraction since inheriting it in 1965.
The area for sale includes over 14 miles of coastline, two salmon rivers, a licensed campsite, a sheep farm, a farmhouse, cottages and traditional farm buildings.
MacLeod said the decision to sell was the most difficult of his life, but he stressed that all the money from the sale would be reinvested in Skye.
"By putting the Cuillins on the market, I hope to satisfy what I see as the primary responsibilities of the 29th Chief of MacLeod," he said.
"Firstly, to assist the fragile economy of northwest Skye by providing opportunities for employment in the community," he said. "Secondly, to ensure that any purchaser continues to value and safeguard the interests and pursuits of all those from the wider community for whom the Cuillins offer so much."
About 145,000 people visit Dunvegan Castle every year. The money would enable tourists to visit parts of the 800-year-old castle currently not open to the public. There are also plans for a hotel and leisure complex.