Daily Dose - 000502 - No Appreciation, Bizarre News, ORGASM TYPES, surprise, heart transplant, DDL, Hey Martha
No Appreciation
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane tick for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
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Bizarre News....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Cocktugs: A Short History of the Liverpool Screw Company
W.B. Hallam; 1963
[Ah, the British... only they would think Cocktugs worthy of novelization.]
Warfare In The Enemy's Rear ; 1963
[We suppose this is the antithesis of "Love In The Rear"]
How To Abandon Ship; 1942
[A must for sea faring captains everywhere.]
How To Draw A Straight Line; 1877
[Then how to walk it while drunk.]
The Zen Of Bowel Movement: A Spiritual Approach To Constipation; 1995
[A New Age approach to an old age problem.]
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Taiwan Company Resurrects Der Fuhrer For Ad Campaign
TAIPEI - A Taiwanese company that sells German-made electric space heaters has come under considerable criticism for an ad campaign featuring Adolf Hitler.
The 6-foot-tall posters show a smiling caricature of the Nazi leader in a khaki uniform and black jackboots, his right arm raised high in a salute. Above him is a white space heater and the slogan "Declare war on the cold front!"
The Hitler figure wears a red band around his left arm with a white circle bearing the name of the heater's manufacturer.
"We decided to use Hitler because as soon as you see him, you think of Germany," Yu-shan Shen, of the K.E. and Kingstone trading firm, said. The ads have since been abandoned due to negative feed back.
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Convicted Criminal Asks For Prison Credit
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. - A man who escaped from prison and was captured after 10 years on the lam is asking to be released immediately.
His rationale? His original sentence would have been up by now.
"This petition may take the prize for chutzpah," a judge wrote in an opinion. Timothy Marshall's request was denied.
Marshall, 39, was convicted in 1985 of trafficking cocaine and was sentenced to 15 years. On a legal note, the court said Marshall showed no requirement to give an escapee "credit" for time spent outside prison walls.
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Teacher Takes Fecal Approach to Discipline
JOPLIN, Mo. - Everyone knows that kids can be cruel, but one Missouri elementary school teacher has shown they don't have a monopoly on being mean and petty.
When an 11-year-old told his classmates to go "suck a turd," his teacher punished him by taping a bag of cat feces to his desk.
The teacher, Diane Parker, says she was just being funny, but the boy's mother doesn't see the humor in the situation. She wants the teacher suspended and her children transferred to a new school.
"This whole thing stinks," said the outraged parent.
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Police in Leesburg, Virginia are pretty sure they have their man in a series of home robberies.
They say suspect Michael Silver broke into a house, stole a diamond ring and some coins, then took a break to consult his psychic advisor.
During a $250 phone call made from the crime scene, police say Silver gave the psychic his real name...
(I see you will make a new friend named Bubba....)
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ORGASM TYPES
Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
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For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
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DDL
The Right Reverend Dean of St. Just
Was consumed with erotical lust
He buggered three men
Two mice and a hen
And a little green lizard that bust.
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This is not a beer belly, either. This is a gas tank for a sex machine.
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The gun manufacturers are not making a dangerous product.
Bad parents are.
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When Mike got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Mike said, "Claudia Schiffer's boobs."
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Give teachers the power to select their students and fire those who don't perform, then you can hold them accountable just as CEOs and sales managers are for their employees.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, March 21, 2000
Punishment ain't over till the fat lady sings
WILLIMANTIC, Conn. (AP) -- Students committing minor infractions at Eastern Connecticut State University now face punishment by Puccini. A group of offenders next month will be force-fed a taste of "Tosca."
Kirk Peters, associate dean of student affairs, created a policy that sends students to an opera or a symphony, rather than slap them with citations or fines.
Peters said Monday his colleagues initially questioned the Alternative Restitution Program when it began in the fall.
"Now they are sold on it," Peters said. "It's something the (students) don't want to do, so I feel it is a penalty. But I feel they are getting something out of it."
So far, about 50 students have been ordered to attend classical music performances for minor offenses including violating a campus ban on alcohol.
Next month, Peters plans to bring the next batch of troublemakers to see "Tosca," Giacomo Puccini's tragic opera about love and betrayal.