Daily Dose - 000501 - assorted "wrinkly" humour edition, Bizarre News, DDL, The Onion, Hey Martha

Let's poke fun at the "wrinklies" today....

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."

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Bizarre News....

Oh, Baby!

STAFFORD, England - Coworkers wanted to do something special for Louie Holiman on his 50th birthday, so they threw him a party. They hired an exotic dancer to pop out of a cake.

Louie got the shock of his life when his daughter popped out of the cake in the buff. She apparently did not know her father was the "jolly good fellow."

The shock proved too much for the birthday boy and he dropped dead from a heart attack.

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Viagra Hard On The Neighborhood

BONN, Germany - Anna and Kurt Glitscher are being sued by local neighbors. The reason? It seems that their aged dog is up to some very old tricks as the Don Juan doggie is accused of getting six bitches pregnant in one madcap week of canine passion.

The Glitschers are not innocent bystanders as court papers claim they have been feeding their dog Viagra.

[Dogs really do have a hard life! At least in Germany.]

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Love: Italian Style

TRENTO, Italy - An Italian man who called an erotic chat line that promised to put him through to a "hot housewife" got the shock of his life when his wife answered.

The man, in his 50s and living in the northern town of Trento, found his wife was driven by boredom into working for the chat line.

[Now he has a reason to call home more often.]

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A Virginia policeman is on suspension after pepper-spraying an elderly woman in her car.

Officer Russell Metcalf claims the 77-year-old resisted arrest when he tried to question her about a traffic violation. County officials, however, say that blasting pepper spray inside the elderly woman's parked car "may not have been the best way to handle the situation."

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A Little To Quick To Bag And Tag

BOSSIER CITY, La. - An 81-year-old woman who appeared to be lifeless was discovered to be still breathing after being taken to the coroner's office in a body bag.

DeSoto Parish Coroner Dr. Jack Grindle said he was called to Helen Lafitte's home on Friday by a nurse who suspected her patient was dead. The nurse had called her name, shaken her and turned her over but did not get any response. When he arrived, Lafitte did not have a pulse or muscle reflexes. He said she had apparently taken some narcotics and doses of sleeping medicine. As she was being transported workers realized she was still breathing!

She is now recovering at the hospital in stable condition.

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103-year-old Woman Lands Soap-Opera Role

MEXICO CITY - A Mexican television producer has "discovered" a 103-year-old washerwoman from a poor Mexico City neighborhood and turned her into an actress on an evening soap opera.

Josefina Negrete debuted on Thursday as a housekeeper in the new evening soap opera "I Will Always Love You" on Mexico's Televisa network, and will continue to make sporadic appearances.

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Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can have sex with me tonight!"

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"

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An old man went to a local bordello on Saturday night, the busiest night of the week. He asked for his favorite girl, but was told she was all booked up and wouldn't be available for some time.

"How about Molly or Sally or Denise?" the madam asked.

"No," he answered. "I want the girl I always get."

"Okay, Gramps, then how about Cookie or Mindy or Lulu?"

"Won't do," he said.

"Listen, Pops, what does this girl have that my other girls don't?" asked the madam.

The old guy sighed. "A lot of patience. An awful lot of patience."

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At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said,

"The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then when you get older, granddad?"

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and replied, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

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DDL

There was an old maid in Nantucket,
Who had an ass hole as big as a bucket.
While bent over the oven,
A dreaming of lovin',
Her goat seized the moment to fuck it.

A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
As soon as the service is through!"

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"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- Ann Bancroft

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"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
- Rodney Dangerfield

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The Onion (satire)

Social Security System Overhauled To Provide 'Early-Death Incentives'

WASHINGTON, DC--Overwhelmed by a dearth of funds and a glut of recipients, the Social Security Administration unveiled a new "Early-Death Incentives Plan" Monday. Under the terms of the program, senior citizens willing to sacrifice additional years of life will be eligible for larger payouts.

"As the Baby Boomers approach retirement age and U.S. life-expectancy continues to rise, we are forced to distribute Social Security funds to an ever-widening pool of recipients," said Social Security Administration commissioner Kenneth S. Apfel, announcing the radical reform program. "But with Early-Death Incentives, rather than force millions of retirees to eke out a meager subsistence on a small stipend for years, we can offer them a few years of high living, followed by guaranteed, permanent relief from being a burden on the American taxpayer."

Under the Early-Death Incentives Plan, retirees can double their monthly Social Security payouts by signing an agreement to perish within five years, or quadruple their payouts by dying within three. Those eligible can also opt for a six-month Accelerated Mortality Program, which pays $4,000 a month over a half-year period, provided the person ceases living at the conclusion of the agreed-upon term.

"A senior citizen who is receiving $300 dollars a month under the current Social Security system can barely get by," Apfel said. "But with EDIP, that same senior can substantially increase his or her quality of life simply by signing on for a slightly shortened term of existence. This will make it possible for recipients to eat out several times a week, purchase a nice, large TV to keep them company in their final days, and, at the end of the designated period, take a nice relaxing trip to anywhere in the world to die."

Apfel cautioned that recipients who fail to die by midnight on the agreed-upon date will face stiff penalties.

"Not only will your checks immediately cease to be valid at your predetermined 'expiration date,'" Apfel said, "but if you are found to still be alive following a 30-day grace period, you will be subject to a minimum fine of $10,000 and/or six months in prison."

Retirees across the U.S. are praising the new plan. "Finally, I don't have to feel guilty about being a drain on the system," said Sarasota, FL, resident Helen Macalester, 78. "And not only am I helping my country out of a jam, I'm getting substantially more money. What could be better?"

"Who really enjoys those last few years, anyway?" asked 76-year-old Herman Norquist of Mesa, AZ, one of millions of seniors who have already signed up for EDIP. "Better to enjoy five terrific, high-yield years of life than 15 low-yield ones. The system works."

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, April 14, 1998

Bionic Grandma made famous

INVERNESS, Fla. (AP) -- Norma Wickwire is a woman of many parts -- quite a few of them man-made.

Since 1976, doctors have replaced eight of her 10 major joints -- both hips, both knees, both shoulders, an ankle and an elbow. She has made the 1998 edition of the Guinness Book of Records under the heading of Medical Extremes.

"It's a heck of a way to get famous," said the lively 76-year-old woman, nicknamed the Bionic Grandma by her family. The honor has come at an extraordinary price. Mrs. Wickwire developed rheumatoid arthritis in 1968 and also suffers from osteoporosis. She had her first operation in March 1976.

"After each operation, I would say, 'No more. This is the last one,"' she said. "But of course, there was always another."

Sandy Palmer, her daughte, pressed Guinness record keepers to recognize her mother. With the help of Mrs. Wickwire's doctor, Royce Hobby, she sent documentation to Guinness, which agreed to add her to the book's latest edition.

"She never complains," said another daughter, Judy Muldrow. "Her philosophy is, 'If someone in my family has to endure this, let it be me."'