Daily Dose - 000430 - beautiful butt, Bizarre News, whorehouse, paralyzed from the waist down, intercourse with a pig, French love-making, DDL, Hey Martha
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.
On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She Then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!
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Bizarre News....
Satan Made Me View Web Porn
"It was temptation by Satan, of course," protests David Stein, 44. The New Mexico state employee fired in December 1998 for accessing credit-card Web porn from his tax-department work site is now blaming his own horny error on Lucifer.
Stein is appealing his dismissal despite his earlier confession that he did "look at some pictures and stuff" once because he was curious about "what kind of smut was available out there ... you know, so I could stay away from it."
He laments that he became trapped in an "endless loop" of demonic filth as he frantically pressed the "back" button on his browser. "It just kept taking me deeper and deeper," he shudders.
He eventually shut off his computer, but in less than an hour he was back at it because, "Satan told me to check it out some more."
Stein testifies that he might have been targeted by the Lord of Hell because, "The stronger you are as a Christian, the more Satan works on you because he fears losing his grip on you."
[The Prince of Lies could not be reached for commentary.]
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New York Style Pizza Gets Whole New Meaning
NEW YORK, NY - Franco Pezzutto has a problem. The owner of a popular pizza eatery has been convicted of indecent exposure after he was found dropping his pants in public.
Franco has this fetish of wanting his behind autographed. When questioned regarding why he wanted this, Franco refused to tell authorities what his motives were.
If any bizarre readers want to venture a guess, let us know.
[Police were unwilling to listen to any "buts" in this case.]
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Diff'rent Strokes Star Files Bankruptcy
As TV's top-paid child actor in the late '70s and early '80s, Gary Coleman was pulling down a high-end, five-figure weekly salary. By 1990, his TV fortune amounted to an estimated $7 million.
It didn't last. Closing out a decade of spotty employment and bad luck, Coleman filed for bankruptcy, listing more than $72,000 in debts - approximately what he once earned in a single week on Diff'rent Strokes.
Okay, so this happens all the time... what makes this story a candidate for Bizarre News is that an Internet company launched a 14-day Gary Coleman Web-a-thon to raise funds for the cash-strapped tube icon via the sale of Coleman-branded, commemorative plates, stickers and T-shirts.
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Chicago Man Makes a Boob of Himself
CHICAGO, IL - You just can't beat the legal system in the Windy City. James Retton has filed suit against a local strip club and one of the dancers.
The dancer in question goes by the name of "Lusty Busty." It seems that while getting a private dance at the club, Retton was battered between Lusty's ample 64" chest. He is suing for $100,000 and has been wearing a neck brace ever since that fateful night.
The club owners are prepared to call more than 50 men who will swear that Lusty is a good hearted soul.
[Retton must not only have a glass jaw but a glass head.]
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Wife Loves Husband to Death
OKEECHOBEE, Florida - 28-year-old Bryan Loudermilk was a hard man to please, so much so that devoted wife Stephanie crushed him to death in an effort to satisfy his sexual desires.
Loudermilk's body was found trapped beneath a board, which was underneath a rear wheel of his sport utility vehicle. Police believe Bryan enjoyed erotic thrills from being driven over.
Stephanie also had videotapes of herself stomping rabbits and mice, which Bryan had been selling on the Internet.
[I wonder if it makes a difference whose driving, I mean sexually? Is there more of a thrill when you're being run over by a stunning exotic dancer, or is it just the same if there's some fat, sweaty guy behind the wheel?]
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Somebody called the Burger King restaurant in Fargo, North Dakota last week, pretended to be a police officer, and convinced the manager to strip search a 17-year-old female employee.
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A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."
The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long.
But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"
And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."
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A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
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A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?"
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The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making. On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But...from ze inside?"
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DDL
There was a young maid of Peru
Who swore she never would screw,
Except under stress
Of forceful duress,
Like: 'I'm ready. How about you?'
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I dropped a quarter in San Francisco.
I had to kick it all the way to San Jose before I felt safe enough to bend over and pick it up!
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Did you know that your eye lashes are connected to the hair around the rectum?
If you don't believe it, just pull a hair from around your rectum and see if your eyes don't water!
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Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?
A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...
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Q: Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
A: God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 22, 2000
Labor dispute sparks junk food shortage
By MARTIN FINUCANE -- Associated Press
BOSTON (AP) -- Forget the high gas prices. Folks along the East Coast are swallowing bitter news this week: There is a shortage of Twinkies and other snack-food favorites, courtesy of a labor dispute.
Supply problems are being reported from the nation's capital to Maine, wreaking havoc on untold snack breaks.
"I'll have to eat healthy food," complained Rubens Breeden, a 28-year-old state worker longing for Ring Dings and Devil Dogs.
Charlie Bianchi, who works at a snack bar in one of the busiest state office buildings, has faced the wrath of the hungry masses.
"All day long, they're saying, 'Where's my Twinkies? Where's my coffee cake? Where's my pound cake? Where's my Devil Dogs? Where's my Yodels? Where's my Ring Dings?"' Bianchi said.
"They're ready to kill. They look at me with doubt in their eyes. They think that I forgot to place the order. It's always the coffee slinger's fault," said Bianchi, 42, assistant manager of Hal's Place.
Actually, a Teamsters strike has lsed to shortages in a variety of well-known bakery products, including Wonder bread and Hostess brands such as Twinkies.
As shelves empty across the region, the area will have to do without deliveries of about 2 million Twinkies and cupcakes per week and another 400,000 loaves of Wonder bread, a company official estimated.
The strike began a week ago when 1,400 Teamsters responsible for delivery and sales of products from Interstate Bakeries Co.'s only New England bakery in Biddeford, Maine, walked off the job.
Since then, that bakery and others have shut down as Teamsters in other states honored the pickets. Interstate Bakeries officials say five bakeries in four states have closed.
The union has accused the company of refusing to honor arbitration rulings. The company maintains it was shut out of the arbitration process, and it has asked a judge to clarify the process.
One of the major sticking points has been the company's requirement that drivers deliver more than one brand of Interstate products. The Teamsters say drivers are supposed to be paid different amounts for each brand.
All of this comes as the Twinkie, the yellow, spongy, cream-filled cake, approaches its 70th anniversary next month.
Some people are already seeking to make a buck off of the Twinkie crisis. What was billed as "The last box of Twinkies known to Man?" was being offered on the Internet auction site eBay, with the minimum bid set at $2,500. There were no takers late Tuesday.
Pamela Anderson, a mother of two, picked up some of the last Twinkies at a gas station in Concord. N.H.
"I say they're for my kids, but they're really for me," she said.
Lisa Towne, a dental hygienist with Aesthetic Dental Center in Concord, saw a bright side to the strike: "The dental community might even benefit."
In downtown Boston, shelves usually occupied by Hostess products were bare or getting there quickly.
To Breeden, the Massachusetts state worker, eating Twinkies and other snack cakes is just part of growing up American.
"It's like everything from baseball to watching the Celtics," he said. "Basically, every little kid does it; it's like throwing rocks and playing in the mud."