Daily Dose - 000429 - ALMOST make love, Bizarre News, Jill and Phil, blind date, Congratulations, DDL, Hey Martha
Mark: You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!
Joe: Two months?! That's a long time! I'm really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.
Mark: Well...actually we almost made love.
Joe: ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?
Mark: Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.
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Bizarre News....
Is This Doggie Style?
BIRMINGHAM, England - This story from jolly old England has to be one of the most bizarre stories ever reported.
A legal secretary from a well known office was having a birthday. This time the popular secretary was in for the embarrassment of her life when co-workers threw her a surprise birthday party.
Before she got home, co-workers had let themselves in her house with a spare key given to a friend. Unfortunately, upon arriving the secretary made a bee line straight for the kitchen. After a few minutes, she sauntered into the living room in search of her dog. Alas, while in the kitchen she had stripped and applied peanut butter to her private parts before searching for her pet.
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IRS Accuses Woman of 19 Fraudulent Returns
Somewhere deep in the recesses of the Internal Revenue Service, someone--or some computer--must have looked at Rachel L. Breedlove's tax returns and said: Whoa!
Between December 1996 and June 1997, Breedlove, 30, is alleged to have filed 19 tax returns, sometimes using the names of her deceased father and brother, or her three young children or phony names.
Breedlove allegedly claimed in one 1996 return that her 4-year-old daughter earned nearly $9.5 million and was owed a refund of almost $1.2 million. Breedlove collected refunds on two of her less sizable returns, totaling $126,614, according to a 19 count indictment handed up by a grand jury in Alexandria last week. But her other 17 alleged returns did not pass muster and instead led to her being charged with 19 felony counts of tax fraud.
[It took the IRS four years to spot a $1.2 million discrepancy, but when I'm off by 75 cents on my return I get an audit. That sounds about par for the Federal government.]
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Alabama Justice
MOBILE, Alabama - A female rape victim found a way to get justice herself.
Two years after her traumatic experience, she was driving by a group of convicts doing roadwork when she spotted her tormentor. She promptly turned her car around and ran him over, killing him instantly.
Alabama officials have thrown a veil of secrecy over the case for fear there will be a cry against the use of chain gangs.
[We thought that chain gangs were the #3 reason unemployment was so low in the Crimson Tide state.]
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Take 200 Maggots And Call Me In The Morning
OSHKOSH, Wis. - Medieval medicine meets modern technology as one man takes his maggot supply company online.
Dr. David Janssen began farming maggots about one and a half years ago providing the squirmy larvae to medical centers and private doctors who use them to clean wounds. But now that Dr. Janssen is online getting the medicinal worms is easier than ever.
Maggots will eat any dead or decaying flesh leaving only healthy tissue which surgeons can graft. All you have to do is sit still while maggots eat away at your wounds.
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House Of The Future - Even Toilet Has A Brain
TOKYO, Japan - The folks at Panasonic have built a mockup of what they call the house of the future.
This house is filled with many gadgets but the one we find to be the best is the toilet. It will be wired to weigh you, measure body fat and analyze urine. It is all part of a high-tech home medical system that lets you check your vital signs, such as heart rate or temperature and send it off to a clinic.
And, with a tiny video camera, the doctor can make a house call by computer.
[As long as it doesn't do proctological exams I'm okay with it!]
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Canadian officials have released details in the mysterious death of a Manitoba man in a Winnipeg hotel room.
According to spokesman Jim Hull, the medical examiner's report concluded that the man "choked to death after biting calluses off his feet."
(There's not much to do in Winnipeg - I know...)
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Jill and Phil had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good friends, which worked out pretty good, since they lived in the same apartment building. Phil slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met Jill in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.
Phil said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
Jill readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look Phil, it still recognizes me."
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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, "Nice design,.... does it also come in men's sizes?"
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Congratulations
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.
When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.
"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
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DDL
There was a girl from Lop Nor
Who unfortunately couldn't score.
To please her socket,
She mounted a rocket
And came with a colossal roar
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If you're too stupid to keep your firearms away from children,
you should have neither firearms nor children.
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Hear about the blonde who hates sex in the movies?
She tried it once and the seat folded up.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California "WAS HIS"
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, March 23, 2000
Councilor expelled for acting in porno movies
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- The Left Party expelled a local councilor from southern Sweden for his part-time career acting in pornographic movies, but he pledged to appeal the decision.
The Left Party chapter in Haerryda, 290 miles southwest of Stockholm, decided late Wednesday to expel Goeran Eurenius, 47, on the grounds that he violated the party's pro-feminist and anti-pornography stance.
"It is not criminal to be in a porn movie, but morally it is not acceptable," local party leader Bengt Andersson was quoted as saying by the newspaper Expressen.
Eurenius, who has acted in 14 pornographic movies, said he intends to appeal the decision to the party district.
"It was expected," he said after the vote, which he lost with seven votes for expulsion and one -- his own -- against.
The Haerryda chapter wanted to expel Eurenius more than a year ago when his acting background was first revealed, but it was not supported by the party executive. The local chapter decided to vote on the decision after a public outcry against pornography was sparked by a documentary film on violent sex scenes on cable television.
If the case comes before the party executive, a thorough investigation will be conducted, deputy secretary Bo Leinerdal said. Leinerdal said any decision to expel a member would be taken very seriously, but he stressed that the party "fights the pornography industry."
Eurenius holds one of the party's four council seats in Haerryda. He has said he will maintain his seat as an independent and vote with the Left Party.