Daily Dose - 000426 - push on leave, Bizarre News, car accident, rubber gloves, country woman was doing her laundry, Presidential Aids, DDL, Hey Martha
The toolpush was talking about the last time he was on leave...
"So it was the first fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' shit at the fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."
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Bizarre News....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Frog Raising For Pleasure And Profit;1950
By Dr. Broel, self proclaimed "Originator of Canned Frog Legs"
Swine Judging For Beginners: 1915
[It takes effort to notice the difference between a pig and a poke.]
Hypnotizing Animals; 1931
The Amateurs' Guide To The Study Of The Genitalia Of Lepidoptera; 1973
[This primer is great for all of you who seek to become professionals.]
Proceedings Of The 15th International Seaweed Symposium; 1996
[We just can't wait for the movie!]
What Do Bunnies Do All Day? ; 1988
[Read this and you just may want to become a rabbit.]
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Disembodied Bookworm Most Popular Attraction at Library
EVANSVILLE, Indiana - Girls who spend all their time in the library are not often the most popular, but that rule doesn't apply to one particular denizen of historic Willard Library near downtown Evansville.
For the last sixty years numerous members of Willard staff have reported seeing a ghostly "Lady in Grey" or witnessing weird happenings among the shelves.
However, the popularity of this fickle apparition, and the library itself, has skyrocketed recently due to a "Ghostcam" that has recently been installed. Pictures are posted on the Evansville Courier newspaper's Web site every 30 seconds, and amateur ghost busters can search for the Willard Library ghost online. Traffic is said to have gone up by 40 percent.
You can check it out for yourself at www.Courierpress.com.
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Attempted Murder Convict Gets 12 Years and $4000
DENVER, Colorado - Beverly Drestin has filed for a "no fault divorce" even though her husband was just convicted of attempting to murder her and began a 12 year sentence.
But the judge in the divorce case felt that this was a minor detail and ordered her to pay her soon to be ex-husband a $4000 settlement because she was more financially fit to pay than her ex.
[Is it innocent until proven guilty, or solvent until proven bankrupt? I forget.]
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Magnetic Personality Lands Pervert In Jail
SAN FRANCISCO, California - 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city.
He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet.
[This adventurer probably deserves what he's going to get, but you've got to appreciate the ingenuity.]
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Right Hand Irks Zealot
NORFOLK, Virginia - A demented zealot cut of his right hand after reading the biblical verse, "If thy right hand offends thee, cut it off and cast it from thee."
He became convinced that his right hand had the number 666 ingrained in it and sawed it off. He refused to let doctors reattach the offending limb. It is not certain if the man decided to read passages from the Old Testament referring to circumcision.
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City of Love Boasts Man of Lewd
PARIS, France - Author Gerard Courcel, who describes himself as the world's greatest "Peeping Tom" has Paris feminists up in arms over his latest book; Peeping... and Getting Away With It.
The book details his 20 years of exploits of zeroing in on nude women. Among his controversial boasts is the claim that he has looked in on more than 40,000 women.
[Some women have no sense of humor! ]
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To Go or Not To Go
LONDON - A British theater company is putting on a run of Shakespeare's plays in an old Victorian toilet.
The Bog Standard Theatre Company spent three years and $6,475 converting the facilities into a 12-seat venue with a tiny stage in the western English town of Malvern.
"Shakespeare said all the world's a stage so I guess that includes toilets," said the troupe's Dennis Neale. "Ironically we don't have room for a loo - the audience have to run across the road to public ones."
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GRAND JUNCTION, Colorado - Police had no leads in the robbery of the Norwest Bank, until a dry cleaner found a note in a pair of pants reading, "Put the money in a bag and don't say a word or I will kill you..."
(like you actually have to write this down)
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An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his".
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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
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A country woman was doing her laundry outside on a warm August day in the heart of Alabama. Each time she rubbed downward on the scrubbing board her skirt hiked up over her naked ass.
A donkey looped up behind her and stuck its tongue into her crotch.
Without missing a stroke or even bothering to turn her head, she said, "I don't know who you are, but I do the washin' here every Tuesday and Thursday."
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How Many Presidential Aids Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb? Not surprisingly, the number depends on the President,,,,,
NIXON: Only one to change the light bulb but five to go out in the middle of the night and steal the light bulb. Then nine to lie and cover up for the five who got caught stealing the light bulb.
FORD: Three to select the study committee, nine to sit on the study committee, five to review the study committee's report, one to shelve the report.
CARTER: The president went out himself and purchased a dozen bulbs at a discount, then he changed the bulb himself. Then it took three to write the press release, two to apologize for violating union rules, and five union electricians to put back the old burned out bulb.
REAGAN: One to shoot out the old burned out bulb with a 45. Then a carpenter a plasterer and an electrician to replace the fixture.
BUSH: Twenty five to smuggle cocaine from Colombia and divert the profits to light bulb purchase. Three to launder the excess funds. Two to explain that the president was out of the loop.
CLINTON: "I will say this only one time: I did not change the light bulb."
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DDL
There once was a girl named Karen
That proved to all she was darin'
She jumped on a log
Got humped by a frog
And now all her warts they're a flarin'
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The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot. It has 5 buttons.
1. Fuck
2. Suck
3. Cook
4. Clean
5. Off
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents ?
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Poster for an abortion clinic: Pregnant? We can help.
Graffiti scrawled underneath: "Not pregnant? I can help!"
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I saw a great card. The picture is of an 80-year-old man at his wedding to a 30-year-old.
Front says, "They say she married me for my money."
Inside says, "Like I care."
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 17, 2000
Audience thought magician's collapse was an act: it wasn't
HAMILTON, New Zealand (AP) -- An audience of hospital patients applauded when a magician collapsed and died during a show, thinking it was part of his act, his family said Friday.
Ron Watson, known as Uncle Ron the Magician, was trying to cheer up stroke victims in the Tokoroa Hospital, including his wife Sheila, when he fell to the ground minutes into his act.
The audience thought the collapse was part of the show, except for his wife, who tried to get up to help him, despite being partly paralysed.
"Everyone thought it was part of the act, but of course she knew it wasn't," said his son, John Watson.
Doctors spent 45 minutes trying to revive Watson, 69, without success.
John Watson said his father died doing what he loved. His magician idols had been escape artist Houdini and Englishman Tommy Cooper, who also died while performing.
Watson was a former member of England's Bognor Regis Magic Circle and gave performances for charity since he retired 15 years ago.