Daily Dose - 000425 - sleep with the baby, Bizarre News, PASSWORD, detective, DDL, Hey Martha
Once, in my younger days, I was traveling across the country when my car broke down. I walked to a nearby farmhouse to ask for shelter for the night and was informed by the old couple that if I wanted a bed I would have to sleep with the baby.
Anticipating wet sheets and similar inconveniences, I instead begged them for permission to spend the night in the hayloft.
Morning came, and I was just opening my eyes when the barn door opened and a beautiful young woman showed herself. I had never in his life seen anything so beautiful!
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm the baby," she replied. "Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm the jackass who spent the night in the barn."
_________________
Bizarre News....
Who Was That Masked Man
BILLINGS, Montana - A man after spending two years in prison for bank robbery filed an appeal for wrongful imprisonment.
He claimed innocence even though his partner in crime clearly identified him. He had a unique defense which proved fatal to his cause. Transcripts of the appeal revealed a clever, if unconvincing argument. He thought that the tellers could not have possibly identified him correctly.
Among his more unforgettable quotes were, "How could the people in the bank have identified me? I had a mask on when I did the job." His appeal was denied.
[In America a man is innocent until proven to be a complete idiot.]
**********
Man Gets Ticket For Eating A Peanut
LINCOLN, Nebraska - A truck driver who cracked opened a one cent peanut at a grocery store and ate it has been ticketed for theft.
Xavier Ocampo admitted to eating the peanut and offered to pay the store the penny. But employees refused payment and called police instead.
[The last time I drove through Nebraska I took some little jelly tubs from a roadside dinner. I wonder what the locals would have done if they found that out?]
**********
Once Is Not Enough
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania - Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be shot? Well Phil Horner did and wanted to do something about it, so he took a gun and shot himself in the shoulder.
While this may sound bizarre, it gets even more weird. Recently a 911 call came in to dispatch and an ambulance was once again sent to the Horner residence. It seems that he shot himself one more time.
The reason? In his own words, "I wanted to see if it hurt as much as it did the first time."
**********
Junior Entrepreneur Nabbed In Prostitution Ring
LONDON, England - A 13-year-old boy has been convicted of operating a prostitution ring at his local school. He recruited seven girls from the school and explained what he wanted them to do.
After recruiting his "ladies", this enterprising little pimp recruited the little "Johns," also from his school. He charged them 10 pounds ($25) each for an hour.
[If this had happened in Nevada the local Chamber of Commerce would have given him a citation.]
***********
Man Pays $67,000 For Shave
BEIRUT, Lebanon - Sami Shour may have been looking to get a free shave when he traded a half share of his $3.30 lottery ticket to his barber, but when the ticket won $134,000 Shour was as good as his word. The construction worker and his barber, Abu Fares Tafla, split the prize money for $67,000 each.
***********
ROME - An Italian physics student has made his mark in contributing to culture and love.
Lino Missio has invented a condom that plays Brahms' Lullaby if it breaks during a rollicking roll in the hay. If the condom ruptures, an electrical impulse is created, triggering the musical performance.
_________________
I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago.
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Phil with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
_________________
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
__________________
DDL
The night was almost gone,
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
_________________
It's tax season!
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?
________________
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" -- Steven Wright
________________
Bumper Sticker: "Jesus is my co-pilot and we're cruisin' for pussy."
_________________
If the guy in front of you can't drive, blowing your horn isn't likely to teach him how.
_________________
Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, Mar. 7, 2000
Two-dozen beer limit upheld
AMHERST, Mass. (AP) -- There's still a two-dozen beer maximum here.
University of Massachusetts administrators have reversed their decision to let students of drinking age keep more beer in their dormitory rooms.
They had said last week they would raise the limit from 24 to 30 cans at the request of the Student Government Association.
Interim vice chancellor for student affairs Javier Cevallos said the initial decision came after officials learned that liquor stores have begun selling 30 beers to a case.
On Monday, though, administrators said the 24-beer limit for students age 21 and older will remain in place. Chancellor David Scott said the higher limit flew in the face of campus efforts to end alcohol abuse.
"We have a clear, consistent alcohol policy with a strong educational component supported by strict sanctions. Increasing the amount of beer allowed in our residence halls would detract from our serious efforts to improve our policies, our sanctions and our educational efforts," Scott said.
For beer lovers, there was more bad news: The school plans to immediately review the policy with an eye toward possibly lowering the 24-can limit even further.