Daily Dose - 000424 - What Did You Do This Summer, Bizarre News, locked her keys in the car, DDL, Hey Martha
What Did You Do This Summer?
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"
"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, trying to draw Mikey out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Mikey, "But my dad says that when my mom and my sisters are cycling together, he has to get out of town."
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Bizarre News....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Teach Yourself Sex; 1951
[For the slow learner.]
Teach Yourself Alcoholism; 1975
[For the folks who couldn't teach themselves sex.]
How To Become a Schizophrenic; 1992
[For folks who read too many "How to" books.]
How To Avoid Huge Ships; 1993
[.....?]
How To Abandon Ship; 1942
[I assume it's the companion to "How To Avoid Huge Ships."]
How To Do It; or, Directions for Knowing or Doing Everything Needful; 1864
[Just in case we missed anything.]
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If Thy Left Hand Offend Thee
SEATTLE, WA - Sam Ketterling has recently petitioned the court to have a local surgeon cut off his left hand although there is no physical reason to do so.
In 1908 a German neurologist discovered a disorder called Alien Hand Syndrome whereby a person loses control of one's hand. Ketterling said in court papers that his hand was trying "to kill him" and that it was only because his right hand was stronger that he could rest the left hand away from his throat.
The court denied Ketterling's request after acknowledging this rare condition.
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Cab Drivers Have Larger Posteriors-----------
A study in London yields surprising results about the size of the rear of a taxi driver's brain. Due to the amount of driving this profession entails, the brains of London cab drivers grow and adapt to help them store a detailed mental map of the city.
According to new research, drivers of the famous London black taxis who had their brains scanned were found to have unusually large development in one area of the hippocampus; the part of the brain which deals with navigation which is critical for learning.
"One particular region of the hippocampus, the posterior or back, was bigger in the taxi drivers," researcher Dr Eleanor Maguire told the BBC. The scientists at the University College of London also found that the hippocampus grew even more as the drivers spent longer on the job.
[Proctologist Study? Just a thought.]
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Internet Newest Playground for Losers
CYBERSPACE - Inhabitants from the lower end of the social food chain have a new home on the internet. Appropriately named LoserNet, this hip new site for the hopeless features gripping diaries like "The Loser Living Upstairs" and "The Life and Times of a 41-Year-Old Virgin."
Featuring zero useful content and guaranteeing the lowest level of Web technology available, sites like LoserNet provide a plethora of unworthy activities designed for minimum stimulation and maximum time-suckage.
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If You Think LoserNet Is Bad...
It seems there are different hardness levels of rock bottom. If LoserNet is sandstone then www.dullmen.com is definitely granite.
Dullman.com is a place where the bereft of charm or character can share thought(s) and experiences, free from the pressures to be witty, urbane, or even conscious.
Dullman features include: Watching Paint Dry, Tractor Spotting, Dull Man of the Year and Dull Book Reviews. If your adrenaline level can stand it click on March's Featured Event: "Watching Sap Drip!" And, of course, Dull Chat Rooms and dating tips to ensure a painfully average evening.
[I'm afraid to know how many Bizarre News readers are going to visit this site.]
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Ninja Nanny Arrested in Drug Bust
Gail Mathews is known on her street as a gentle grandma - tending her hibiscus, doting on her granddaughter.
But the Feds have a different take: They say the 56-year-old Broward County woman donned jet-black ninja gear by night and peered through infrared binoculars as she called the shots for her international cocaine smuggling ring.
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Inmate Ronald Eroh was so sure of himself that he left Auburn Hills, Michigan jail deputies a note: "By the time you read this, I'll be halfway to Europe."
Police caught up with him three miles from the jail.
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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found she had locked her keys in the car.
She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud..... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
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DDL
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's the beef!"
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2% of blondes are touch-typists;
the other 98% are hunt'n peckers.
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"President Clinton says he looks forward to the day a citizen can call the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, 'Sorry, that number has been disconnected.'" - Jay Leno
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To miss a kiss is simply awful
to kiss a Miss is awfully simple
kissing spreads germs, germs are hated.
Kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated!
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, Mar. 8, 2000
Dentist sellling silk neckties and scarfs with a dozen deadly pathogens
ATLANTA (AP) -- Go ahead, give your boss the plague.
For $39.95, a California dentist will sell you a silk necktie or scarf featuring your choice of more than a dozen deadly pathogens as they appear under a microscope.
Cotton boxer shorts cost less than half that price, but Roger Freeman says the undies are "currently in remission," out of stock.
Hundreds of people attending a conference on hospital-acquired infections this week in Atlanta found they were not immune to Freeman's line of bacteria-inspired clothing.
"I already have herpes," said Lynda Caine, a nurse from Derry, N.H., as she stroked the vivid blue and green blobs on a malaria scarf Tuesday. "But this one is so beautiful."
Every product that Freeman's Encino, Ca.-based company, Infectious Awareables, sells has a tag with information about the disease it portrays. He donates up to 30 percent of his profit for education and research.
There are the colorful patterns of influenza, malaria, cholera and the plague, as well the abstract designs of HIV, chlamydia and gonorrhea. The designs are drawn from photographs of the diseases as seen under an electron microscope.