Daily Dose - 000423 - hair, Bizarre News, National Stereotypes, DDL, Hey Martha
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
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Bizarre News....
BIZARRE PATRON SAINTS
Apollonia - Patron Saint of toothaches.
Fiacre - Patron Saint of venereal disease and taxi drivers.
Gengulf - Patron Saint of unhappy marriages.
Vitus - Patron Saint of comedians and mental illness.
Matthew - Patron Saint of accountants.
Bernardino of Siena - Patron Saint of advertising executives.
Luke - Patron Saint of butchers.
Marin de Porres - Patron Saint of hairdressers.
Joseph of Arimathea - Patron Saint of grave diggers and funeral directors.
[According to The Best Book of Lists; Carlton Books, 1999]
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Man Gets 10 Months For Mooning judge
RUSSELLVILLE, Ark. - A man recently gave graphic expression to his contempt of court received 10 months in jail for mooning a judge.
Robert White, 50, who is unemployed, was representing himself on a disorderly conduct charge Wednesday for allegedly causing a disturbance at a hospital. White objected that he was being tried in a "kangaroo court" and began using foul language, witnesses said. Then he dropped his pants, bent over and gave Municipal Judge Dennis Sutterfield a view of his rear end.
Sutterfield cited White for contempt. The judge said it was the first time in his 14 years on the bench that he had been mooned.
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Political Correctness From Head To Toe?
PARIS, France In an unusual case of discipline, French officials have made it illegal for Muslim schoolgirls to wear the traditional scarves over their heads called the "hijab."
The "hijab" is a prescribed Muslim scarf that encourages modesty. When asked why this extraordinary step had been taken, an official proclaimed, "While it is true that these girls do not smoke or drink and have the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the country, wearing these scarves disrupts the national character of our school system. It is not like wearing a cross or a Star of David where these things remain hidden."
[I'd say France has a lot to worry about if scarves disrupt the social fabric.]
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Florida Considers Possible Secretary Of Barbecue
Tallahassee, Florida has experienced its latest legislative epiphany. House Bill 1737 proposes a new (and slightly odd) cabinet post: Secretary of Barbecue.
The governor's appointee would have the daunting responsibility of promoting the enjoyment of barbecue and barbecue culture. State Representative George Albright, who filed this task said, "It's a serious subject. Barbecue is big business in this state." Coincidentally, he also owns two barbecue restaurants.
Possible candidates for the posting can expect to serve a one-year term for no pay.
[The fringe benefit is all the deep-fried pig skin you can eat.]
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With Friends Like These
BRISBANE, Australia - A recent party turned gruesome after a group of drunken Aussies decided to perform a makeshift operation on their drunken friend. The operation? You guessed it; a circumcision.
They did not even use a knife, for one was not available so they used a broken beer bottle. The "patient" was so drunk he slept through the operation and was rushed to the hospital bleeding, but still passed out.
The "friends" were charged with unlawful wounding.
[I wonder if this guy's friends were women.]
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Like Father; Like Son
NEW ORLEANS, LA - A recent court case has brought father and son together after a thirty year estrangement.
71-year-old Rene Puissance failed a Breathalyzer test after a head on collision with another drunk driver. The driver of the other vehicle was Harold Porter, a 31-year-old out of work boilermaker who took the name of his adopted father after the divorce and remarriage of his mother.
[As fate would have it, they were meant to meet, apparently head-on!]
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British Thieves Bungle Burglary
SOUTH SHIELDS, England - Three armed robbers planning to raid a travel agency, missed their intended target and burst into the optician's office next door, waving a knife and an imitation sawed-off shotgun.
Realizing they were in the wrong office, they made a hasty exit and finally made it to the travel agent's. They demanded to know where the safe was but lost their nerve and, instead of a large haul of travelers checks, they ended up with a whisky bottle full of mostly foreign coins donated to charity.
Their getaway car then ran out of gas and they abandoned it, leaving behind obvious clues which quickly led to their arrest.
[Robin Hood these guys are not.]
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Doctors in Milwaukee tried for seven days to cure a patient's painful hiccups with assorted therapies, including drugs and acupuncture, to no avail.
According to the medical journal The Lancet, the man tried some marijuana in hopes of relieving some of the pain. The hiccups abruptly stopped. Drs. Ian Gilson and Mary Busalacchi said that although marijuana is forbidden in the U.S. for therapeutic use, "the drug should be considered when other treatments against persistent hiccups fail..."
(of all the hiccup remedies that don't work, I like this one best)
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Let's Reinforce a Few National Stereotypes:
There are eleven beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the two German men.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the men on the other islands, after calling them "bloody wankers".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South to make them feel more at home, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least "those English bastards" are not getting any.
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DDL
There once was a young man named Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"This used to be grand,
But look at my hand,
You're not wiping as clean as you used ta'"
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A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, "There's lots of openings."
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A master's degree in astronomy doesn't make you master of the universe. It only means that you took up space in school.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 10, 2000
Bangkok's elephant ban takes effect
BANGKOK, Thailand (AP) -- Police avoided the big question of how to arrest an elephant on Friday, the first day of a ban on the beasts in the Thai capital.
But while no animal arrests were reported, that situation could soon change, said Police Capt. Montree Chareonpatravuthi.
Most of the elephants that usually roam the streets -- under the supervision of mahouts, or trainers -- are in the neighboring province of Ayuthaya for a theatrical spectacle showing the traditional method of catching wild elephants.
The show used to be staged by Thai kings 300 years ago for foreign guests.
The three-day event started Friday with 70 elephants taking part. Once it ends, police expect that the elephants and their mahouts will attempt to return to Bangkok, where they rely on handouts from pitying passers-by.
Police plan to set up checkpoints on the main road to keep the elephants from returning. But police admitted this week they were not sure what to do if they came face-to-trunk with a scofflaw jumbo.
The mahouts face arrests under the ban, which would send elephants back to the countryside. City officials set aside a plot of land as a sort of holding cell for the beasts while they await deportation.
Elephants traditionally were used for logging in rural areas. Opportunities for such work are lessened by massive deforestation.