Daily Dose - 000418 - SHEARING, Bizarre News, High blood pressure, World War III, SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS, Hey Martha
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!
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Bizarre News....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
Office Gynecology; 1971
[New meaning to playing doctor while working at the office.]
Wife Battering: A Systems Theory Approach; 1983
[Chadwick has suggested a backhand approach.]
Penis Enlargement Facts And Fallacies; 1995
[One man's fact is another woman's fallacy.]
Teach Yourself Sex; 1951
[Subtitle... And never be lonely again...]
Yofuku: or Japan In Trousers; 1931
[Yo mamma too!]
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21 is Bad Medicine
KANSAS CITY, Kansas - A Native-American tribe is in hot water with a special council of Indian Tribes because they want to build a casino on the site of an ancient burial ground.
The tribe planned to build the casino despite grave warnings for desecrating this holy site. On spokesperson for the opposing tribe said, "I don't think my great-grandfather would wish to spend eternity looking up at a lot of old ladies playing cards."
[Sure... that's what black patent leather shoes are for.]
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Sorry Honey, I've Got To Sleep
A new study shows the people of Toronto prefer a snooze to sex. An opinion poll found 54 percent of the residents in Toronto, Canada's largest city, would choose sleep over sex.
Within that group, women were more likely than men to turn down sex in favor of sleep. Frank Sommers, a Toronto psychiatrist and sex therapist, said a fast-paced lifestyle was the problem.
[Forget Italy and Sweden. This is why Canada is on the international razor's edge of sexual freedom!]
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Doctor Convicted In Deadly Fetish Case
A doctor whose license was suspended 22 years ago for performing shoddy sex-change operations was convicted of second-degree murder in the death of a man who had a healthy leg amputated to satisfy a sexual fetish.
John Ronald Brown, 77, could face life imprisonment after he amputated the leg of Philip Bondy. Bondy died of gangrene poisoning in a suburban San Diego hotel two days later. Bondy contacted Brown as a last resort to fulfill a lifelong desire to amputate a leg because of a fetish known as apotemnophilia, getting sexual gratification from the removal of a limb.
Prosecutor Stacy Running said Brown "just chopped off" Bondy's leg below the knee and then dumped him at a hotel while he buried the leg in the desert. Bondy called Brown the next day, complaining that he was bleeding and oozing from the stump, Running said. Brown returned to the hotel, rewrapped the leg and suggested Bondy take more pain killers.
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Stampeding Pigs Kill Animal Rights Workers
MUNICH, Germany - The city has been abuzz about a neighboring town's pig incident.
It seems that two animal rights protesters broke into a slaughterhouse to free thousands of pigs before they met their fate. Armed with bolt cutters, they managed to clear the way for the soon to be liberated pigs. As the doors opened, a stampede of pork rushed through the opening, trampling the crusading protesters and crushing them to their doom.
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Giant Enamel Erection Rises in China
BEIJING - Towering 8 feet 4 inches tall, a tower of diseased human teeth stands as a gruesome testament to one man's dedication to dental hygiene.
Yu Qian, 52, a dentist for 32 years, collected the 28,000 teeth used in the tower from patients' mouths. He started building the tower in 1993 with his six students to raise awareness about dental hygiene.
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Teacher Of The Year... Not
MOBILE, Alabama - Road rage has taken a new turn recently when a driving instructor at a local high school became enraged when a student of his was cut off by a licensed driver.
In Hollywood fashion, he yelled, "Follow that car" and ordered his student to run the offending driver off the road. Once accomplishing this task, the instructor ran out of the Driver's Education car and attacked the stunned motorist.
At press time the instructor is still teaching driver safety after being released on bail.
[Just when we were prepared to leave Alabama alone, comes another gem that proves once and for all why we should all be happy that we do not live in Alabama.]
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More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.
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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
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World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
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SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????
A. He heard the ref. was blowing fowls....
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Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
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The old babe asked the old guy "Has is been long since you retired?"
He crackled, "Not half as long as it was on my honeymoon."
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These nitwits are teaching our children?
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs!
Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
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Will the real dummy please stand up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, November 22, 1999
Attack Deer invading Rochester
ROCHESTER, N.Y. (AP) -- Bambi is getting a bum rap.
In an effort to prevent frequent car-deer accidents, the New York State Thruway Authority has put up an 8-foot high sign near Rochester that says: "Be Alert -- Attack Deer --Next 10 miles."
But officials have gotten several calls complaining that it is disparaging to deer.
Even one Thruway employee told the local newspaper: "My God, you read something like that and you think of deer dressed in camouflage, armed with tear gas hiding in the woods."
The area, about six miles east of Rochester, has seen an unusual number of car-deer crashes, said Sheriff Richard Pisciotti.
"I think it's because people aren't paying attention to alerts about this problem," he said.
The sign wasn't supposed to carry the message and it will be changed to conform with more traditional signs, said Anya Frost of the Thruway Authority.