Daily Dose - 000417 - different types of drugs, Guiness Book of Female Records, Talk radio, The lovers, The Haka, look in the bathroom mirror, bad leg
Today's assembly are from our favourite Welsh ex-pat misogynist in Qatar - John D. !
Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed.
It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
"Who is it?
""It's Paul"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Paul?
""Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Cocaine from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew ?"
"Speed from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?""It's John"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Weed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL ! IT'S A RAID!!"
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Guiness Book of Female Records
EXCERPTS FROM THE GUINNESS BOOK OF FEMALE RECORDS
Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying makeup was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms. Dodson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching almost 28 miles towards Leeds.
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later.There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unelightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.
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Talk radio
This is a word for word account from the transcript of a Talk Radio phone in with Victoria Adams (Posh Spice)
Presenter: " And next on the line we have Kirk from Epsom. What's your question for Victoria, Kirk?"
Kirk: "Hi Victoria"
Victoria: "Hi Kirk"
Kirk: "Victoria, I am a big Chelsea and England Fan, and despite all the anti-David publicity I am a real admirer of David's football"
Victoria: "That's nice of you, Kirk"
Kirk: "Well I was wondering Victoria, obviously David has been very successful at Man Utd, and must be very happy there, but we all know that he is a London boy at heart. He really is a great footballer and I would love to see him play for Chelsea one day. The question is Victoria, and I am sure all Chelsea fans would like to know the answer.............................Do you actually take it up the a**e?"
Presenter: Oh really..........! can we please have some sensible callers......
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The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
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The Haka
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red penis substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.
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Two old ladies are walking along the street.
"Martha, have you noticed when you get older your vagina actually gets bigger?" Asked Mavis.
"Oh no! Does it really? Mind you it is funny you should say that, because when I was making love to Arthur last night I felt like the outside of a sausage roll."Martha replied.
" Yes it?s true, when you go home look in the bathroom mirror!" said Mavis.
"Oh I can't do that I am getting too old, I have trouble getting my leg over the bath, never mind the bathroom sink" explained Martha.
Mavis quickly replied " You silly old bugger, you take the mirror off the wall and stand over it!"
Martha's curiosity get the better of her so when she got home she went straight up to the bathroom, removed her clothes and took down at the mirror. Just as she was inspecting herself, Arthur walked past.
On seeing this unusual sight Arthur rushed in the bathroom and pushed Martha into the bath.
"What the......." cried Martha "You did that on purpose, you nearly broke my bloody arm then!"
Arthur replied "Don't be such a selfish old twat!".........If I hadn?t pushed you then, you would have fallen down that hugh hole and broke your fucking neck!"
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Groaner Alert !
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a bad leg."
"Oh really," says the doctor, "what seems to be the trouble?"
"Take a look," says the man, and rolls up his trouser leg to the ankle, whereupon the man's leg is heard to say: "Lend us a fiver!"
"How extraordinary," says the doctor.
"That's not all," says the man, and rolls his trouser leg up to the knee, whereupon the man's leg is heard to say: "Lend us a tenner!"
"That's unbelievable," says the doctor, "I've never seen anything like it."
"There's more," says the man, and rolls his trouser leg up to his thigh, whereupon the man's leg is heard to say: "Lend us twenty quid!"
"How strange," says the doctor. "However, I can see the problem. Your leg's broke in three places!!"