Daily Dose - 000416 - PUNS - toy store, country debtor, His masterpiece, smoke of the weed, Beethoven's Ninth, scoutmaster, saving the Indian Chief's life, Pig Farmers
How about some puns for a change ?
WARNING, WARNING !!!! - Groaners Ahead
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . . "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue!"
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A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...
"Gone, But Not for Cotton."
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It was the best piece he had ever written. His masterpiece.
The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of the least significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn.
So he was devastated to receive the letter of rejection from his publisher. "You should have known better." it read, "Our firm will never publish pawnography."
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The State of Florida had a problem. The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to burn all of the Marijuana on hand.
The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud. At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out to assure the well being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.
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The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.
After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep", he replied. ... "Beep repaired!"
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One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him on heck of a bash for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
He turned to the Chief and asked why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breast.
The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"
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A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
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I saw some strange goings on in the city today ...
A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of surgical ritual on one young member of the group.
It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
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This scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway, when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.
The scoutmaster tried honking his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard.
He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed. As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.
"Yep", he replied. "Beep repaired!"
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Pig Farmers
Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham.
The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.
Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties.
The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.
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(OK...OK... it's out of my system now)- pun intended