Daily Dose - 000415 - go downtown, Bizarre news, Doc Hunting, Go to the store, job application, DDL, Hey Martha

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking."

_____________________

Airline Admits Fault In Massive Squirrel Slaughter

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - After discovering that a cargo of squirrels on one of their flights had been illegally imported from China, KLM Royal Dutch Airlines solved their legal delemma by stuffing the 440 fuzzy-tailed rodents into an industrial meat processor.

KLM has come under considerable criticism for their creative problem solving by animal rights groups, and has since suspended shipments of any rodents, animals caught in the wild or any endangered species.

*************

Man Who Killed Wife Gets Four Months

FORT WORTH, Texas - A man convicted of shooting his wife, then returning to finish her off when he found he had more bullets, was sentenced on Friday to four months in jail after a jury recommended probation.

Jurors, who spent more than 21 hours over three days deliberating the punishment, called the decision difficult and emotional but said they believed Watkins acted out of "sudden passion." In a confession used as evidence in his trial, Watkins admitted that he shot his wife Nancy and then her lover, Keith Fontenot, after finding them at his home. Watkins chased Fontenot out of the house and tried to shoot him in the head, but the gun did not go off. Watkins said he drove away, thinking he was out of bullets, then realized his gun had only misfired and that he had more rounds. He then drove back to the house, where he shot his wife to death while she talked to a 911 dispatcher.

[Gruesome, yes. Bizarre, definitely. Once again Texas proves it's the only state where you can actually use the "He needed killin'" defense.]

*************

Filleted Flesh Gets Flushed

BERLIN, Germany - Housewife Gerda Niehus must have a Bobbit fascination because recently while sleeping with her husband decided to cut off his manhood. Only she wanted to make sure she never had sex again with him and never wanted him to *find* his penis. So she flushed the flesh down the toilet.

Her husband Hans has been released from the hospital and Gerda is awaiting trial on a charge of assault with intent to commit grave bodily harm.

[Unfortunately for men everywhere, these penis stories are popping up more and more often.]

*************

Welsh Professor's Mussel Stressed

University of Wales - The previously prestigious University of Wales has spent thousands of dollars examining the question whether mussels can suffer panic attacks.

Yes, that's right, some professor decided this was an important question to answer so researchers placed dog whelks, which eat mussels, in a tank and monitored the mussels' heart beat.

The results? Mussels' heartbeats increased for up to 24 hours even after the dog whelks were removed.

[I Wonder if Ritalin was spiked into the water afterwards?]

*************

Shanghai Gets Sexy

SHANGHAI, China - Liu Dalin is no sex fiend. But even in increasingly openminded China, his collection of 1,200 antique sex toys, fertility idols, porcelain copulating animals and erotic paintings might raise eyebrows.

The retired sociology professor is the founder of the Chinese Sexual Culture Museum. He says it's the first of its kind in a society with a vast erotic history that has in recent decades treated sex as obscene and unmentionable.

The museum gets only about 50 visitors a day, in part because admission is set high at the equivalent of the average daily wage in China. "We could charge less and get more visitors," Liu says. "But we only want people who are really, really interested."

Wang Yongliang, a 72-year-old visitor who got in at half-price with a retiree discount, says he's most interested in the history exhibits.

*************

When a British schoolboy was unable to remove a vase that was stuck on his head, he was rushed to the hospital on a city bus.

According to reports, in an attempt to make the boy look more normal to the other passengers, his mother placed his school cap on top of the vase.

___________________

Doc Hunting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practicioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead.

The first to react was the general practicioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter.

This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.

"I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?"

The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.

BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

_______________________

Go to the store

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. The same applies to Operating Systems .......

This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

The Task: GO TO THE STORE

MS-DOS 5.0:
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

MS Dos 6.0:
You go to get in your car to go to the store but the car has been run over by a steam roller.

Windows:
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Windows NT:
You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Macintosh:
You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.

UNIX:
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Taligent/Pink:
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:
After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

S/36 SSP:
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400:
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons.

______________________

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.

However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

______________________

DDL

When I was young and in my prime
I would jackoff all the time
but now I'm older
and I've got more sense
I use the knotholes in the fence.

______________________

My friend is confused. He's half Japanese, half Arican-American.

Every Dec. 7, he attacks Pearl Bailey

_____________________

An armed society is a polite society.

_____________________

Bumper sticker seen on Louisiana truck:

"If it's tourist season, then why can't we shoot 'em."

_____________________

I am NOT "going bald."

I'm just "getting more head."

______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, July 27, 1999

Women falls into storm drain and is swept through pipe

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) -- A woman leaving a movie theater stepped into a storm drain whose grate was askew and was swept nearly 100 feet through a pipe before firefighters rescued her.

Susannah Halston, 45, suffered a cut on the back of her head from hitting the pavement as she fell into the drain in a parking lot Friday.

The water-filled pipe measured 30 inches in diameter, with only 5 inches of air space, North Naples fire Capt. Marvin Steffen said.

Firefighters rescued Ms. Halston within five minutes after prying off a second grate above her and lowering a ladder.

Sheriff's deputies said they were looking for two boys who might have information about why the grate was pulled part-way off the opening.