Daily Dose - 000412 - chief and admiral, Bizarre News, economics exam, first kilt, two brothers, DDl, Hey Martha
A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-- the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said in a smug voice,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Bizarre News....
Platform Shoes Claim Another Life
TOKYO - The platform shoes which have become de rigueur for trendy young Japanese women claimed a second victim this week when the driver of a car was unable to hit the brakes because she was wearing a pair.
Japanese media said a passenger died in a car crash on Monday after the 25-year-old female office worker driving could not brake because her 8-cm (three-inch) heels got in the way. Earlier this year, a 25-year-old nursery-school teacher was found dead in her car after reportedly suffering a skull fracture after toppling over in her five-inch platform sandals earlier in the day.
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Zorro Rapist On The Loose
SAN SEBASTIAN, Spain - There is a weird creep on the loose in this scared city called **The Zorro Rapist**.
His particular peccadillo is shaving an "M" on his victim's head after committing his crime. But he is no Zorro look- a-like because he reportedly is short, bald and not at all dashing like Antonio Banderas.
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Japanese Monster Claims Canadian Victim
MONTREAL, Canada - The infuriatingly collectible Pokemon, one of the hottest sensations to come out of Japan in recent years, has precipitated the stabbing of a 14-year-old student in a Quebec school recently.
According to reports, the victim was stabbed in the shoulder while fighting over a set of trading cards featuring the cute and popular pocket monsters. The cards have been banned from the school, a step also taken by schools in several U.S. states.
[If these measures do not work the Canadians plan on calling in an air strike in a final attempt to destroy the monsters.]
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Underground Fire Burns For 38 Years
CENTRALIA, PA - Way back in 1961 a small but prosperous mining town in Pennsylvania was looking for a place to burn its trash.
Forgetting the fundamentals of physics they decided to use an abandoned coal mine. The fire caught an exposed vein of coal which began to burn underground. Smoke, fumes and toxic gases soon began to come up though back yards, basements and streets making the town uninhabitable.
Almost 40 years and 40 million dollars later the fire still burns. Ironically, the drastic approach needed to contain the mine fire is hampered by a handful of determined residents who are fighting in court to remain in town among plumes of sulphur and smoke.
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New Delhi Makes Headway in Reincarnation Research
NEW DELHI, India - Now here's a story we at Bizarre News thought you would like to know. It has been discovered that mental illness cannot be passed down from one lifetime to another.
This startling disclosure comes after a New Delhi study of 1600 people who underwent hypnotic regression. Those participants who suffered from schizophrenia and manic depression showed no signs of these problems in past lives.
[Am I the only one who thinks they should save money on this kind of research and spend it on feeding the poor?]
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A Kiss Is Just A Kiss
ATLANTA - She made her way to the front of the crowd and demanded a kiss from President Bill Clinton. And though he seemed temporarily taken aback, she eventually got one.
In situations like this, it probably helps to be 93 years old.
Ginger Gold interrupted the proceedings at a Friday evening event of the Anti-Defamation League in Atlanta where Clinton was due to speak. Before he could begin his remarks, she shouted from the front row: "I came to kiss you!"
Clinton had no snappy comeback handy and appeared momentarily flummoxed. He paused before beginning his remarks as Gold blew him kisses with both hands. But after the speech was finished and he made his customary hand-shaking, back-slapping, hugging progress along the velvet rope at the front of the room, Clinton repeatedly kissed the gray-haired woman. She kissed him back with gusto and said, "I love you."
[When questioned about the incident later Clinton asked the reporters to define "kissing."]
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HELSINKI - Finland's capital Helsinki wants to send a new vice squad into the streets to counter a surge in public urinating by the normally orderly Finns.
The city fathers have asked the government to allow them to create the force, dubbed "pee police" by the media.
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Not expecting to do at all well in the economics exam, Harold was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, Harold wrote, "1492; none."
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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
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The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
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DDL
There was a young woman from Wild
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.
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Shrinkwrapped, the book "Twenty Ways to Mate: Translated from the French with Original Illustrations" was selling like hotcakes.
As he rang up yet another sale, one clerk shook his head and said to another, "You know, I've just never seen a chess book sell so well!"
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While touring the University of Pittsburgh with some college-bound friends, I saw an advertisement that summed up the precollege anxieties we were all feeling. Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
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Q. If a doctor of geriatrics treats old people, and a doctor of gynecology treats women; then, what does a geriatric-gynecologist specialize in?
A. Spreading old wives tails.
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I told my doctor I can't exercise, because when I do I start to sweat and burn off fat, it smells like bacon and makes me hungry.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, February 17, 1999
Inmates get time off for dirty beheviour
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) -- A judge is offering inmates a chance to shorten their jail time by doing a dirty deed.
County inmates willing to brave odor and filth to help clean up a pig farm will have their sentences shortened by one day for each day worked.
Medina County Common Pleas Judge James L. Kimbler came up with the plan to bring an end to a nine-year dispute involving property owner Tom Trubiani and the county health department.
Health inspectors obtained a search warrant in 1994 to examine his property and allegedly uncovered a variety of sanitary violations inside and outside his farm house.
Trubiani complained Monday that the health department wants the place to look like "'The Little House on the Prairie,' but it's never going to look like that. Pigs are pigs. What's a pig pen supposed to look like?"
Kimbler said he hopes free help from the jail will speed up the cleanup.