Daily Dose - 000411 - 104 year-old woman, Bizarre News, George W., Adam and Eve, new dentist, DDL, Hey Martha
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure".
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Bizarre News.....
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Resistance of Piles to Penetration
Russell V. Allin, 1935
A revealing look inside this common problem.
Games You Can Play With Your Pussy
Ira Alterman, 1985
Inventive overview for cat lovers.
Persevering Dick
Mary D.R. Boyd, 1867
Adversity is overcome by Richard's determination and grit.
Making It In Leather
M. Vincent Hayes, 1972
A must have how-to book for this special craft
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Bras Were Conductor In Lightning Deaths
LONDON - Two women were killed by a bolt of lightning in Hyde Park when their underwired bras acted as conductors, a coroner said Wednesday.
"I think this was a tragic case, a pure act of God," coroner Paul Knapman told an inquest into the deaths. He recorded a verdict of death by misadventure.
The two women, Anuban Bell, 24, and Sunee Whitworth, 39, had been sheltering under a tree in the park during a thunderstorm. Pathologist Dr Iain West said both women were wearing underwired bras and had been left with burn marks on their chests from the electrical current that passed through their bodies. Death would have been instant, he said.
The bodies were not discovered until the following day because passers-by thought they were vagrants.
[You can count this as yet another reason for women to hate underwire bras.]
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Prison Life Too Comfy For Amish Vandals
Independence, IA - What do you do with a group of felons who grow accustomed to the *conveniences* of jail?
Well four Amish men jailed for vandalism were growing too comfortable with the TV, electricity, telephone and running water so Russell West, Buchanan County Jail Administrator, wants their release ASAP.
When interviewed, West said, "I thought we'd better get them out of here because they were getting too used to it."
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Maine Puts Carriage Before Horse in Y2K Glitch
PORTLAND, Maine - The Y2K bug reared its ugly head in Portland when the state surprised new car buyers with ownership titles identifying their vehicles as "horseless carriages."
It seems a "horseless carriage" is a designation for any vintage vehicle produced before 1916. The computer that produced the titles recognized 2000 as 1900 and classified all the titles accordingly. A spokesman assured reporters the glitch is no indication of serious problems, saying, "The major systems that effect health and safety are in pretty good shape."
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Morgue Employee Snaps Naked Corpse
YORK, Pa. - In a chilling tale of inappropriate behavior a morgue employee of 22 years has been charged with taking his own photos of a young woman's naked corpse.
Stewart Flaharty was arrested after pictures of the woman's breasts and genitals were discovered in his locker. The charge, of all things, is abuse of a corpse.
[As if you needed proof that 22 years of sitting in a basement filled with stiffs is bad for you. This is the perfect capper for the Halloween weekend.]
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Alert police officers in Florida thought something didn't look right when they saw a car driving erratically down U.S. 19 with a 3 1/2 foot orange and green lizard behind the wheel.
According to the Tampa Tribune, the officers followed the car for "a couple of miles" before they pulled it over, to find owner John Ruppell slouched down in the seat. Police official Larry Sams told the paper that the iguana was a "pretty good driver."
The lizard, named Finley, was taken into custody and delivered to the SPCA. Mr. Ruppel was arrested on a drunk driving charge.
(Remember, kids, don't drink and drive. You might spill.)
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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".
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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
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Liz fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks, and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Liz honey, we've got to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
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DDL
There's an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her...
His chance of survival is slight.
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'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
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What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A fart.
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The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, August 30, 1999
Thief locks himself in trunk
HERMISTON, Ore. (AP) -- After Lucas Winters got himself locked in his car's trunk, he called out for help. When help arrived, he was arrested.
Winters inadvertently locked himself inside the trunk of his getaway car after allegedly robbing a U.S. Bank branch.
"We think he wanted to do a quick change, get out of the trunk and walk off in a new disguise, but he got accidentally locked inside," Lt. Jerry Roberts said.
Bank officials said a man wearing a red shirt and a white hat approached a teller and delivered a note demanding money Friday afternoon. Before the teller could react, the unarmed suspect grabbed some cash and fled.
About 40 minutes later, Officer Darryl Johnson was walking through a parking lot two blocks from the bank when he heard pounding from inside a car trunk and someone pleading for help.
"He was probably hoping that it was someone other than a police officer," Roberts said.