Daily Dose - 000410 - Breaking "in", Bizarre News, my wife just left, Three desperately ill men, size of the Democratic Party, DDL, Hey Martha

Breaking "in" Is Hard To Do!

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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Bizarre News....

Sheep Kill Woman As She Feeds Them

A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death.

Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Stobbs and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100 foot deep quarry near Durham, in northeastern England.

"I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters. Her husband is being comforted by friends.

[A woman with such a warm heart can only go to a better place, so her husband shouldn't woolly.]

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Hit-man Hired To Kill Dog

Des Moines, IA - After being struck repeatedly with a sharp object, probably an axe, the Connett family's dog is recovering at home, and a neighbor is accused of hiring a canine killer.

Louie, a cocker spaniel mix, returned home Tuesday, two days after being hacked in the face, shoulders, hip and legs, police say. Roberta Ficek, Louie's neighbor, was arrested Tuesday night in an alleged plot to pay 29 year-old Denny Brown to hurt the dog. She has been charged with solicitation to commit animal abuse.

[This story would have been so much better if the dog's name was Fredo.]

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Warning: Whales Can Kill You

West Palm Beach, Florida - Remember back when a man was found dead and naked in the pool with a killer whale at Sea World?

Now, months after he decided to "swim" in the perilous buff, his parents are filing a suit against Sea World because they failed to adequately post that swimming in the pool with killer whales was dangerous.

[I guess the sign that said "KILLER Whale" wasn't enough.]

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Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
and my horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
and the road washed out on the way to town.

Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
and they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs and my pipe stem broke,
so I can't even sit and read and smoke.

Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
and this old shack is about to fall.

Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out
and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.

And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
and my cows disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
and I lost my job and a whole lot more.

I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
as things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack;
to top of the worst - my wife's coming back!!

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

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The teacher asked Little Johnny, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?"

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"I meant, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" explained the teacher

"Well," replied Little Johnny, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says, 'I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!' "

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DDL

There was a young girl from Dunellen
That the lads in the shipyard called Ellen
In her efforts to please
She spread social disease
From New York to the straights of Magellan

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Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment.

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What do you call two gay irishmen

Patrick Fitsgerald and Gerald FitsPatrick.

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"What's the first thing that marriage has taught you?"

"Just because the bride was given away doesn't mean that she's cheap!"

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Q: Why are blondes like 'Lava Lights'?

A: They're fun to look at, but not all that bright!

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, September 28, 1999

A $50 billion electricity tab

BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) -- Hundreds of Montana Power Co. bills had misprints this month, but Frank and Pat Radella may have the capper: Their electricity tab was $50 billion.

"I contacted the bank and let them know that I might be severely overdrawn this month," Frank Radella said Monday, noting the power bill is deducted from his account automatically.

The charge for electricity at the couple's cabin near Roscoe should have been $35.95, utility spokesman Cort Freeman said. A typographical error occurred as a new billing system was brought on line, he said.

The correct monthly charge was printed in the bill's "new charges" portion. Only that amount was deducted from the account.

Similar mistakes were made on about 1,000 other bills this month, Freeman said. "Letters are going out to these customers explaining what had happened," he said.