Daily Dose - 000409 - St. Peter, Bizarre News, good date, *perfect* penis, DDL, Hey Martha
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She is horrified to see another woman screaming in pain as St. Peter drills holes into her shoulders to fasten the wings.
Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"Screw You!" she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You don't want to go there," he replies. "They'll rape and sodomize you down there."
"I don't care" she answers. "At least I already have the holes for that!"
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Bizarre News....
Oklahoma Invaded By Confused German
Oklahoma - German cross-country bicyclist, Gerhard Brunger wanted to ride his bicycle across Canada in only 44 days. But while huffing and puffing across the great unknown landscape, Brunger gave up after only a few days into his cross-country trek.
Why? The hapless rider became hopelessly lost after mistakenly crossing the border into the US. Brunger continued until he got to Oklahoma.
[He thought it was Poland.]
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I Am The Egg Man
Munich, Germany In another bizarre pastime that those crazy Germans have invented is raw egg catching.
Heinrich Sturn has broken the record, but not the egg, when he managed to catch a raw egg thrown from a 9 story building. He reportedly tried unsuccessfully to break this German record more than 10,000 times before succeeding.
[It's no wonder that dedication of this caliber carried Sturn's contryman from Canada to Oklahoma.]
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The reverend Dwight Wymer, a Baptist minister in Grand Rapids, Michigan, reportedly used a 12-volt battery to shock his young students during sermons at his summer Bible school.
Wymer explained: "When we don't do what God tells us to do... ZAP!"
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Flight Attendants Assaulted With Beverage
LOS ANGELES, CA - Flying coach can be stressful, just ask California residents Thomas Kasper and Susan Callihan who assaulted two flight attendants and attempted to break into the cockpit of their plane when they were refused an upgrade to first-class.
Kasper was not to be satisfied with simple assault, however, and in what may have been a poetic gesture grabbed two coffee pots from the galley and brandished them as weapons. One of the crew members suffered a second-degree burn on the hand.
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The Show Must Go On
Santiago, Chile Opera lovers are a bit perplexed by a recent press release by Chile's Santiago Municipal Opera.
With the orchestra and chorus are on strike, one would think this would create a problem. No matter, as the announcement went out that the show would proceed, "if necessary without an orchestra and chorus."
[Isn't this like a honeymoon without the bride?]
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Moscow Cops Give Up On Stolen Cars
MOSCOW - If your shiny car ever gets stolen and turns up in Moscow, the city's vigilant traffic police know just what to do: Give the proud new owner a permit to drive it.
Not that the police condone car theft, they hasten to add, it's just that the problem with stolen foreign cars was getting out of hand. And it wasn't fair to penalize Russians because Westerners are too rich or too lazy to hang on to their cars.
"To be honest with you, we have more important things than just to babysit cars belonging to Westerners," said a traffic police lieutenant on duty on a major road, who didn't want to give his name. "I believe that the Westerners are rich enough to afford a new car if the old one is stolen," he added.
[And everybody thought only New York cops were like that.]
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Robert Driscoll of Detroit passed the civil service exam required to be a city bus driver, but was rejected, according to his application, for "excessively noticeable freckles"...
(OK, as long as there's a good reason.)
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These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
"Now THAT'S a good date!"
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Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,..... "I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
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DDL
A Flighty young gal named Melissa
Was careless as hell on the pissa.
One day in the rush,
She was caught in the flush,
And goodness knows all of us missa!
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...He's also a master of the English language. He's the only guy I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Pardon without using his hands!
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Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
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Q. Why did the man put a box of tampons on top of the TV?
A. To remind him of the cunt that stole the VCR.
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You know you are getting old when you have to try to explain to your teenager that Saturday Night Live was really very funny in the 70's.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Nov. 19, 1999
Crimes given colour-coded hats
SANTA FE, N.M. (AP) -- Get convicted of domestic violence, wear a blue hat. Drive drunk, end up in a pink one. Shoplift, and you get green. Fail to clean up after your dog, put on a brown hat while you pick up droppings.
Municipal Judge Frances Gallegos is requiring people convicted of various offenses and sentenced to community service to wear coloured hats to let other people know what they have done.
The judge has required the pink and green hats for some time but now has decided to add blue and brown to her line.
"There isn't a single high school kid or even a grade school kid in this town that doesn't know what the pink hat is all about," Gallegos said.
Drunken drivers wear the pink hats while picking up litter, cleaning up senior citizen centers or doing other community service work.
Blue was picked to match the bruises suffered by victims of domestic violence. Brown was selected for more obvious reasons.