Daily Dose - 000408 - rich 73 year old, Bizarre News, come in my car, hidden stash, Ultimate Computer, DDL, Hey Martha

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming,... and the smell of burning rubber!"

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Bizarre News....

Distraught Son Preserves Mom's Corpse

ELIZABETH, IN - The only thing missing from this twisted tale is a creepy motel and a good director.

Relatives began making inquiries after not hearing from Myrtle Petrie for several years. The ensuing investigation led police to discover the elderly woman's bones still in the chair where she had passed away. Petrie's son, distraught over having to arrange his mother's funeral, simply covered the body with some bedding and left her for five years.

The deputy coroner concluded that there was no trauma to the body. The son has been placed in the custody of adult welfare officials for a mental health assessment.

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Don't Take This Sitting Down

A football fan in Fayetteville, Ark, with a cellular phone in his pocket equipped with one-touch buttons called the 911 emergency number 35 times by standing up and sitting down while cheering until police traced it to Razorback Stadium.

Fortunately for the fan, the police understood it was inadvertent and did not arrest him.

(how did they know where to go ?)

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Bungling Bandit Bloodied

Paderborn, Germany - Peter Howeler has been dubbed the *Bungling Bandit* after entering a bank carrying a pistol.

In his attempt to hide it from the guard on duty, he shoved the firearm into his back pocket, discharging it into his left buttock. After being rushed to a local hospital, he was later charged with attempted robbery.

[The gentleman in last month's issue from Vancouver, Canada who blew his balls off with a .357 Magnum should get together with this enthusiast. Imagine the damage they could do.]

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A Shot of Wild Turkey

MARINE ON ST. CORRECT, MN - Mary Lou Ayers had a lovely 8-lb. turkey in her house - and it wasn't even Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, the gobbler wasn't invited. A wild turkey smashed through an upper-level window of her house Tuesday morning and wreaked havoc in the bedroom, hallway and computer room. Ayers said the bird caused several thousand dollars in damage before it was captured by a sheriff department deputy and a state game warden.

"It was a very tough bird," said Conservation Officer Brad Schultz. Ayers said her insurance policy won't cover turkey damage.

[If this had happened in the home of a hunter, do you think his friends would have believed the story? "Flew right into the window, did he?"]

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Angry waiters in a restaurant in London's Chinatown section allegedly attacked a group of patrons for complaining about the food.

The diners became upset when they were informed that the restaurant was "out of crispy duck". The waiters reportedly beat the customers with baseball bats...

(boy, it's tough to figure a tip in this situation)

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Little Johnny was playing in the street one day when a stranger pulled up in his car.

The stranger said "Psssssst! Hey kid!"

"Yeah?"

And the stranger said, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy if you come in my car."

Little Johnny replied, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

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Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.

Naturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him.

After she showed him the magazines, she asked him, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't know what to do." he told her. "I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!"

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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line, at which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

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DDL

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

A hillbilly gent name of Cato
Wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o.
She said, "Yer dick's real purdy,
But yer balls are too dirty,
They look like a fresh dug potato!"

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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

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I know how to contact the Mars lander:

Let the long distance telemarketers know its phone number and what time it is on Mars and they'll reach it around dinner time tonight.

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My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes.

And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.

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Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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You know what I hate about being schizophrenic?
What?
That I can never complete a...
Yes, you can.
No, I...
You can.
Sorry I brought it up.
OK.

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, September 28, 1999

Problems in this Oklahoma community simply stink

SAPULPA, Okla. (AP) -- They're in small spaces and back yards, on steps and sidewalks. The problems in this Oklahoma community simply stink.

"You can drive downtown Sapulpa in the evenings and you'll see a skunk walking down the sidewalk," said Donna Shackelford, adding she and her husband have trapped 19 of the animals in their yard during the past year.

"One got into a crawl space and sprayed," Mrs. Shackelford said. Its stench was so powerful that she moved in with her in-laws for a week.

Candie Russell, Sapulpa's animal control supervisor, said her three-member department has trapped an estimated 60 skunks this year.

"We go out and trap them and do what we can," she said. "But we'll never get rid of the entire problem."

Minister Gary Sheely said he was startled by a skunk on the front steps of his church earlier this month. "I went up the stairs and, when I turned around, it had followed me up some of the stairs," he said. "It scared me to death."

Despite citizens' worries, "skunks are not vicious animals," Russell said. "If you leave them alone, they go about their merry way."

(I'll forgo the obvious Oklahoma skunk jokes....)