Daily Dose - 000405 - long line of judgment, Bizarre News, While you were away, Who's the Boss, DDL, Hey Martha
The long line of judgment.
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan..... "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle; they're too wet to burn yet"
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Bizarre News....
Man Headed To Jail For Impersonating A Crook
VINITA, OK - Two friends could be looking at more jail time after one allegedly tried to serve a weekend stint in the county lockup for his buddy.
Russell Maurer, 30, was charged with false impersonation after he allegedly tried to serve time in place of Ryan Miller, 27. Ordered to serve five weekends in the county jail, Miller planned the switch so he could work the weekend (as a car salesman) of Sept. 25 to avoid a foreclosure on his home. What Miller didn't count on is the guards remembering what he looked like from the previous week. Miller now could face life in prison. Maurer, who is on probation after a previous conviction on a drug charges, could also face prison time if convicted of impersonation, Ward said.
[What we have here is a failure to impersonate.]
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Brush With Vibrator Turns Tragic
Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - Okay folks, this is truly weird. Alexandro Orozco, 48, came home one evening after a night out and caught his wife *cheating* on him. But instead of finding her in the passionate embrace of another man, his wife was moaning to the self imposed pleasure of a recently purchased vibrator. Orozco became enraged and strangled his wife. He is seeking leniency for the murder because of her *infidelity.*
(Who wants to find out that they can be replaced by a double A?)
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Man Doesn't Want Severed Arm Re-Attached
A man who severed his left arm at the elbow with a guillotine he constructed from plans found on the Internet has refused to have the limb reattached, police said on Thursday.
"Doctors were going to reattach the arm but he refused and told them if they did, he would cut it off again and sue them," Milwaukee Police spokeswoman Karen Pride Garvin said.
Thomas Rollo, 53, appeared calm when police arrived on Tuesday as he received treatment from paramedics. He initially told officers he accidentally severed his left arm with tools while working in his garage. But police found the guillotine along with Rollo's severed left arm in a plastic bag in a refrigerator, and he admitted to building the homemade amputation device from plans he found on the Internet. Police said Rollo is undergoing psychological testing.
[Milwaukee's reputation is really starting to suffer, first Jeffrey Dahmer and now this guy!]
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Hot Sex?
Cancun, Mexico - Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex.
Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results.
After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on **fire**. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, *He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it.*
[I think we can all agree that any injury of this nature just isn't funny.]
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Bizarre Events
INTERNATIONAL CHERRY PIT SPIT COMPETITION in Eau Claire, MI.
Spit a pit for distance. Techniques include the Damascus Barrel Tongue Curl and the Indian Rifle Lip Purse. North American record: 72 feet 7.5 inches.
GREAT TEXAS MOSQUITO FESTIVAL in Clute, TX.
Watch the mosquito calling contest, mosquito legs look-alike contest and Ms. Quito beauty pageant.
RAYNE FROG FESTIVAL in Rayne, LA.
See amphibian races, jumping contests and costumed frogs dressed as "Pocahoppas," Barbie and Ken dolls, etc. Frogless visitors can rent a frog for competitions.
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While you were away
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my 4 year old son saw me, and came running shouting
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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Who's the Boss?
One evening a preschooler, Kristel, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Kristel asked, " Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house."
But Kristel added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"
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DDL
Even though he's endowed like a pinky
He always has a dates, Willie Winkie -
Ask any miss
"Where did he kiss?"
They'll just blush and say somewhere that's stinky.
Two moments in Captain Hook's past
Memory of which still leave him aghast.
A visit quite vile
From a big crocodile,
And that time he was wiping his ass!
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"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
* Former French President Charles de Gaulle
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Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children."
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
--- Rita Rudner I Think
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The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
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(Bumper sticker on West Virginia Pick-up Truck)
My Wife Is An Honor Student At Jefferson Davis Junior High School
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, April 27, 1999
Pop quiz, literally
WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. (AP) -- Next month, students at Purdue University can get credit for watching television.
NBC's popular medical drama "ER" is the basis for a summer-school class at the university. It's called "The Biology of ER," and Professor Edward Simon insists the class is more than just watching TV.
Simon, a virologist, got the idea for the course from the questions students would ask after seeing the show. "Most of the programs on 'ER' are very accurate, scientifically," he said Monday.
Simon said he intends to make the sophomore-level biology course a solid educational experience that likely will attract both premed students and the curious.
But he recognizes that not everything on the show is true-to-life. Medical tests often come back from labs in 10 minutes, rather than several hours.
"We have to accept the fact it's a television program," he said.