Daily Dose - 000404 - Y2KINDERGARTEN, Bizarre News, woman who couldn't be satisfied, special in her life, DDL, Hey Martha
Y2KINDERGARTEN:
A retired schoolteacher in Echallens, Switzerland, has been ordered to attend elementary school.
The unnamed 105-year-old man was included in a roundup of 5-year-olds identified by the town's computerized census of residents because his birth year was recorded using only two digits.
"We have changed the computer program in question," the town hall secretary said.
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Bizarre News....
Parents Of The Year...
Firefighters in Kawasaki, Japan, freed a 5-month-old girl from a coin-operated, 13-by-13-by-24-inch locker in April after her parents had deposited her there while they had dinner at a nearby restaurant. The parents were reprimanded, but not arrested.
[This story should not shock Western readers as much as one might expect. Those are quite roomy accommodations by Japanese standards.]
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Stop! In The Name Of Tolls
Several fire trucks speeding down the Massachusetts Turnpike with sirens blaring and lights flashing, en route to help battle a brushfire around the town of Westfield, were delayed a few minutes when a tolltaker insisted on charging each driver.
A turnpike spokesman said the tolltaker had been counseled.
[Counseled for failing to charge them the full truck rate, if I know anything about Massachusetts.]
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Quest For Safe Sex Turns Into Condom Fiasco
MADRID, Spain - It was an embarrassing ordeal as one man's desire for safe sex got him stuck for four hours.
After a long night on the town with his girlfriend, a 23-year old man put some coins into a condom machine outside a pharmacy. When nothing came out, the man pounded impatiently on the machine, then stuck his hand in the opening to try to pull the condom package out.
Two of his fingers became caught inside. For the next few hours he was the brunt of humiliating comments from passers-by while he and his girlfriend tried unsuccessfully to pry his hand loose.
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Diners Squirm As Snakes Slither By
HONG KONG - Diners screamed in terror and leapt on tables as snakes suddenly slithered across the floor during lunch in a Chinese restaurant, Hong Kong newspapers reported Saturday.
About 100 customers were in the restaurant on Friday when several men, believed to be debt-collectors, released the snakes and some grasshoppers from two bags, the papers said. Police had to call a snake handler, who rounded up 28 non- poisonous snakes. One woman was so scared that she had to be carried out weeping on the back of a fellow patron. Police said they did not know who threw the reptiles or what was their motive.
[Now, I always thought snakes were a delicacy in Hong Kong.]
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Brits Humiliate Dead Buddy with Blow-up Doll
SHEFFIELD, U.K. - Pub patron Ian Clifton of Sheffield, England died last October after consuming 11 pints of lager and untold amounts of bathtub punch, according to an inquest held late last week.
The pub regulars, not realizing that their companion had departed his mortal coil, sheared off his hair and took pictures of him posed with an inflatable doll. By the time paramedics were called in Clifton had been dead for up to an hour. The coroner's inquest reported that Clifton died of acute alcoholic poisoning.
[Whatever happened to putting pennies on the eyes of the dead? I think that's a much better custom.]
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This is the story of a woman who couldn't be satisfied. Upon hearing this, three guys decided to make a bet with each other as to which of them *could* satisfy her. The winner would receive $500.
The first guy, a big, swaggering Texan, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked into the bedroom.
A couple of hours later he staggered dizzily out of the bedroom and gasped, "She wasn't satisfied!"
The second guy, a huge Zulu warrior, said "I'll satisfy her!" and walked into the bedroom.
Two days later he crawled out of the bedroom, bruised, battered, exhausted and gasped "She wasn't satisfied!"
The third guy, a little Australian jockey, said "I'll satisfy her!" and trotted into the bedroom.
A minute later there was a great shriek of ecstasy from the bedroom.
A couple of minutes later the jockey walked out of the bedroom with a big smile...
The Texan and Zulu warrior looked at him in amazement and asked "What happened?"
The jockey said, "She was satisfied!"
They asked him, "Whaaat? How...? What did you do?"
The jockey replied, "It was easy! I just stuck my head in, wiggled my ears for a bit and spit!"
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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. Afterwards, the talk got around to their respective love lives.
Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
Marcy said, "He said 'will you marry me'?"
Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away'!"
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DDL
A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West
Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest
Any Man's Close Attention
To Her Outside Dimension
Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best.
A lady with features cherubic,
was famed for her area pubic.
When asked of its size,
she exclaimed in surprise...
Why Sir! In square feet or cubic?
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Our office discussions somehow turned to charging hookers on your corporate card. The obvious problem is getting the expense account cleared with "Hooker" as a line item.
We noticed through repeated arduous trials that the local strip club (the French Maid) shows up as "French Restaurant," and decided hookers would do the same thing. But what would they discretely call themselves?
"Laptop servicing," of course.
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Q: What do you get when you cross an impressionist painter with a New York City cab driver?
A: You get Vincent Van Go Fuck Yourself.
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Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side
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No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, November 25, 1999
Trio of gobblers haunting town
EAGAN, Minn. (AP) -- Perhaps it's American Thanksgiving revenge.
During the past few months, residents in this woodsy suburban neighborhood have been both amused and irritated by their newest neighbors: three feisty gobblers.
The trio roost in trees at night, and during the day, they strut their stuff in the middle of the street and on lawns. Sometimes they harass residents, pecking at them.
One mother called police last week to report that the turkeys were becoming aggressive at the school bus stop, chasing kids as they boarded the bus.
"All three turkeys started heading straight at me," said Erik Tollerud, a 10th-grader. "They came up, congregating, curiously pecking at my feet and legs." Erik kicked them, but they continued until the bus arrived.
Homeowner Maureen Sorensen said Wednesday she carries a tennis racket while she walks her dog to shoo the birds away from their Dunberry Lane stomping grounds.
The turkeys aren't even rattled by vehicles. They have pecked tires and bumpers, resting their chins on a car hood while looking the driver square in the eye.