Daily Dose - 000403 - Elephant nuts, Bizarre News, way to the post office, Types of Women in the Powder Room, DDL, Hey Martha
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders "Elephant nuts on rye."
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen, where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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Bizarre News....
Canadian Gun Control; Keep It In Your Pants
Vancouver, Canada - Proving that Canada has its fair share of lunatics, a man (whose identity was withheld for privacy concerns) involved in a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin.
This was no ordinary gun but a .357 Magnum. Damage wasn't relegated to only his groin as the shell took part of his penis and a testicle when he shoved the gun back into his pants.
[Gives new meaning to the phrase "love pistol."]
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There Was A Full Moon In South Africa Last Night
CAPE TOWN, South Africa - A 21-year-old Welsh tourist who fell out of the back of a bus on a busy highway while baring his buttocks to passing motorists was recovering from his injuries in a hospital Wednesday, officials said.
"His condition is stable. There are no concerns that something more might come up," a hospital spokeswoman said, adding that his injuries were not life threatening.
[You can always count on a Welshman to act with poise and aplomb. Now an Irishman, on the other hand, would have bounced.]
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Convict Bites Off More than he can Chew
South Carolina - Michael Anderson Godwin thought his luck had changed after his stint on death row was changed to a life sentence.
In his cell he was sitting on his metal toilet seat while *fixing* his plugged in TV set. For some unknown reason, he bit into the wire and was electrocuted right there in his cell.
[We like to refer to news like this as a current event.]
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A man in New Brunswick was fined $250 after pleading guilty to the charge of misleading a police officer.
The prosecution in the case revealed that Mr. Blaine Gould had deep-fried his pet gerbil, and then pretended to find it in a box of fried chicken he bought at a local take-out restaurant.
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The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get . to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
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Types of Women in the Powder Room
Indifferent - Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop", pulls crotch of panties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from a third story window.
Cautious - Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
Worried - A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.
Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.
Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
Timid - Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.
Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".
Literary - Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.
Big Time - Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man. Lives in Massachusetts or New Jersey.
Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for a while singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.
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DDL
There was a young student of Trinity
Who shattered his sister's virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honors in Divinity
I dream of a youthful physique
With me on a high mountain peak,
With nothing to do
But fondle and screw
For week after week after week!
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If at first you don't succeed, try management.
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The International Alzheimer's Association is publishing a newsletter.
It doesn't cost much; they send out the same issue every month.
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Maybe Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson can't walk on water the way Jesus supposedly did,
but it sure would be fun to watch them try.
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How do you convert a dishwasher into a snowblower ?
Give the bitch a shovel.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Feb. 25, 2000
City official plans to reward nice people
OAKBROOK TERRACE, Ill. (AP) -- Random acts of kindness in this Chicago suburb really could pay off.
The village administrator, Jerry Elsner, plans to give away $100 savings bonds to the nicest people he can find. Elsner said he will pick one person each month during his rounds of the village's stores, restaurants and motels.
"They don't have to rescue a child from the path of a speeding car," Elsner said. "If I see someone helping a lady with her groceries, that could be our $100 winner."
Elsner hopes the publicity from his monthly awards will improve Oakbrook Terrace's bruised image, which has been tarnished by a former mayor's prison sentence for tax evasion. City employees also have sued the city recently, and two aldermen nearly came to fisticuffs at a council meeting.