Daily Dose - 000402 - settlement, I'm screwed, Bizarre News, dollar for Sunday School, Sister Eulalia, DDL, Hey Martha
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. "Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Mrs. LaMay. "I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?"
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A woman walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the fact they are about to be audited during the coming month.
Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!"
"I'm screwed, too!" says the other guy, slapping his forehead.
"Guys, I am about to be fucked beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy in anguish.
Just then, one of the guys notices the woman who has been standing there listening. She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?" asks the guy.
"Yes," replies the woman, "but I was wondering... How do I go about getting audited?"
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Bizarre News....
Executioner Gets Choked Up Over Job
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Something strange is happening to the country's executioners manning the gallows. Three people in the last two years have accidentally hanged themselves while clowning around.
The most recent mishap occurred when the executioner prepared for an upcoming sentence and slipped the noose around his neck. Apparently he wanted pictures taken of himself standing on the gallows when the trap door gave way, breaking his neck instantly.
[I wonder if the insurance company would consider this accidental death or suicide?]
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Sushi Makes Great Finger Food
Sofia, Bulgaria Japanese cuisine may never take off in this country after the most recent culinary disaster. The Mount Fugi Restaurant is the first Japanese restaurant in the country and disaster struck as the witless patron, Felix Naygir had four fingers chopped off.
It seems that he became mesmerized by the flashy knife work of the chef and wanted a closer look. He leaned forward, placing one hand over the cutting area resulting in four severed digits. Naygir was rushed to a local hospital where all fingers were reattached.
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Take Two Snakes And Call Me In The Morning
Sao Paulo, Brazil - The medical and legal communities are buzzing over a recent court ruling. Dr. Joseph Ogiko, a renowned *witch doctor* had his tools of the trade confiscated.
Among his *tools* were a mamba snake and tortoise. After pleading with the magistrate that the snake and tortoise were essential to cure arthritis, the judge returned the evidence in question but required Dr. Ogiko to get a wildlife permit.
[I am flying my mother-in-law to see this doctor.]
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Is That A Carrot In Your Pants?
Tucson, Ariz. - Police arrested a 41-year-old man who a witness said appeared to be trying to coax horses from the University of Arizona Agricultural Center toward him with food...
Sounds harmless enough, but in reality the food was strategically placed near his exposed penis as if to invite oral sex. Police had warned the man previously against similar behavior.
[I could see an aardvark or a koala bear maybe. But a horse?]
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The Prince of Lies Spotted in Pittsburgh
PITTSBURGH - Traditional ear piercing has given way to more and more extreme types of body modification including tongue, nose, uvula and even genital piercing. But the latest trend makes even genital piercing look tame.
Cosmetic implantations come in many different styles. One popular form is inserting tiny beads underneath the skin which makes the area have tiny bumps. Usually this is done on the wrists, hand or even penis. Proponents suggest this can be useful as well as pretty. Other popular implants include inserting horn-shaped pieces underneath the skin covering the skull, to make it look as if the person has horns.
[I wonder where a woman might have handles... I mean horns implanted?]
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A hermit living outside Caracas, Venezuela, bet his neighbors that he could prove his supernatural abilities by hypnotizing a jaguar.
The man lost the bet and his left arm when the jaguar failed to notice his hypnotic powers....
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In aviation news, a plane in Tennessee had to make an emergency landing at the Nashville International Airport after hitting a deer.
UPI reports that the pilot instructor was demonstrating "touch and go" landings...
(next lesson: fun with "crash and burn"...)
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A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. His mother (remembering he had already spent all his allowance) asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said.
"But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
"I know, Mom," he said, "but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
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Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window.
The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked.
"That's the 60 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one."
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DDL
There was a young lass of Rhodesia
Who said "If the front hole don't please yer
For a reasonable sum
You can try the old bum
But mind the tapeworms don't seize yer!"
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzine.
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Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word?
Because it's easier to spell than: UhhhhhoooohhAhhhhhhAIIEEEEEEEahahahahahohgoddon'tstopnowyou'resogoodIcan'tstandthisanylongerohohohohohpleasenownownowyesyesyesyesohhhhhhhgawdyessssssssssssss!
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A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, "Veni, vidi, vici." "I came, I saw, I conquered." His words echoed throughout two millenia.
Until one day...
Monica Lewinsky gushed, "Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare." "He came, I slipped, it dribbled."
Linda Tripp hissed, "Verboso, memorex, serpentus." "She told, I taped, I blabbed."
Kenneth Starr cheered, "Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!" "It matched! It's HIS! I GOT him!"
And Bill Clinton sobbed, "Perjuratum, erratis, manuro". "I lied - I mean - I didn't."
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Steve Jobs has now designated himself as the "iCEO" of Apple, saying that it shows the importance of the Internet.
If we assume that this makes him the Executive Internet Officer,
and if we further assume that Apple is going to continue the terminally cute practice of putting an "i" in front of everything,
and if we assume that, like every other high tech company interested in online commerce, they are going to stick an "e" in front,
then, does that make him the "eiEIO?"
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, Feb. 28, 2000
Hundreds streak through Austrian stores
VIENNA, Austria (AP) -- Shoppers trying to win a free wardrobe stripped and streaked through dozens of clothing stores across Austria on Monday.
Huddling in the buff, in temperatures slightly above freezing, dozens of men and women waited for the doors of the 40 Kleider-Bauer shops across the country to be unlocked at 9 a.m. before racing through the premises.
The first five streakers at each location to reach the cash register received a coupon for $357 in new clothes, along with a navy blue bath towel to cover up.
One young woman, clad only in her birthday suit, was spotted outside a Kleider-Bauer store on one of Vienna's main shopping street at 7 a.m., waiting for the shop to open, the Austria Press Agency reported. By the time the doors swung open, about 70 people were crowding the sidewalk, waiting to race inside.