Daily Dose - 000401 - Bizarre News, two rows of buttons, 5 yards of chiffon, death bed, DDL, Hey Martha
Bizarre News....
Don't Piss Away Your Health
Alternative health care continues on a path toward wackiness.
Now comes the book, The Golden Fountain that advocates drinking your own urine to heal what ails you. The premise of *urine therapy* is that your own urine contains hormones and enzymes unique to you and that ingesting the yellow cocktail stimulates the production of antibodies.
Directions are careful to warn that you should not drink anyone else's urine.
[I wonder what the book has to say about eating yellow snow]
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GOOD NEWS... BAD NEWS
...The good news is that the average person spends three and a half years of their life eating, 12 months talking, two weeks kissing and will have sex 2,580 times.
...The bad news, according to researchers, is they will spend six months on the toilet and grow nearly two meters of nasal hair in that time.
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You Too Can Have A Bath Wedgie
Budget-conscious bathers may soon be able to save valuable money and water by installing a unique triangular wedge in the middle of their bathtubs.
Irish inventor Mr. Mark Bradley designed the 30-centimetre-high wedge to sit on the bottom of the tub - in between the bather's legs - to reduce the amount of water needed to fill the bath.
Mr. Bradley says as most people bathe with their legs apart, the water in between their limbs is wasted... But wait, there's more. It can double as a table for books or a glass of champagne. Bradley is looking for a company to make the wedges in plastic... *I've tried out a wooden model in my bath and it's quite comfortable,* he said.
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Cross Training Can Be Painful
San Pedro Cutud, Philippines - Some people will do anything to move closer to God. Bus driver Chito Sangalang had a unique idea. On Good Friday, he dressed up like Jesus and performed a special penance ritual. He had people nail him to a cross. After several minutes, Sangalang was rushed to a local hospital to attend to his newly created stigmata.
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Crooning Cops Keep Calm
Bangkok, Thailand - City officials have come up with a way to lessen the tension caused by traffic jams and the gridlock created by it. Enter the singing and dancing police force that performs for stranded motorists. Since hiring this special entertaining police force, road rage in Thailand has been reduced by 42%.
[Clowns are next as judges]
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The following appeared in a farm-safety pamphlet issued by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration:
*Hazards are one of the main causes of accidents. A hazard is anything that is dangerous.*
The same publication also warned, *Be careful that you do not fall into the manure pits*....
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A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success. "I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."
So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says "Boy that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one."
Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared- "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"
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A young woman is shopping at the mall and asks for 5 yards of chiffon to make a nightgown. The clerk says, "You certainly won't need 5 yards for a nightgown."
"Oh yes I will," the young woman says, "I'm marrying this old guy and he has more fun hunting that he does finding."
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Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie-you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel-you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
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DDL
A fellow from out near Pike's peak,
Stood up in a large crowd to speak,
Got a tear in his eye,
When he noticed his fly,
Had been opened since he last took a leak.
There was a young sailor named Fred.
He once took a mermaid to bed.
He said, to be blunt,
"I can't find your cunt,
so why don't you blow me, instead!"
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Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
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GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
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A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.
The man looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
She replies , "Hell no!"
The man says, "Well, it must be your feet then."
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"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
* Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
Bra opens secret drug stash
ENON, Ohio (AP) -- For this drug bust, the best clue was in a bra.
The State Highway Patrol said a magnet concealed inside the bra led state troopers to 22 pounds of cocaine hidden in a van.
The patrol said the van had been stopped for a traffic violation on Interstate 70 on Friday, and a police dog smelled drugs -- somewhere.
A female officer found a magnet in Eunice Santana's bra during a patdown search, the patrol said. The magnet, it turned out, aligned with a device in the van's center console, providing access to a secret compartment holding the drugs.
Santana, 24, and the driver, Giberto Nunez, 32, were arrested.