Daily Dose - 000329 - Bizarre News, In"duh"viduals, Going to the bank, How would it be with beer, something more comfortable, multi-syllable words, DDL, Hey Martha
Bizarre News....
Genitalia Needs Blowing Up
SYDNEY, Australia - An Australian research team studying insects had trouble identifying the sex of the little creatures so they decided to do something about this nasty problem. They invented a device dubbed, The Phalloblaster.
This is no ordinary machine. It actually inflates the genitalia to a size that makes identification easier. The machine costs $3,500.
[I believe Austin Powers had one of these.]
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Australian Customs Foils Lizard Smuggling Attempt
CANBERRA - Australian Customs officials have foiled an attempt to smuggle 31 native lizards out of the country after searching a man at Melbourne airport. The man, who was attempting to leave the country on a flight to Vienna Monday night, was carrying 11 Leaf-tail geckos, 13 Knob-tail geckos and seven Beaked geckos.
Here's where it gets really weird... some of the lizards were taped to the smuggler's skin under his clothes.
[is that a lizard in your pants or are you just happy to see me?]
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8th Graders Save Tarantula's Life With Super Glue
SPRINGFIELD, Missouri - Some eighth-grade students managed to get out of a sticky situation after their classroom's pet tarantula took a fall and cracked its abdomen. The quick- thinking students decided to use a popsicle stick to stuff its organs back inside, used Super Glue to seal it up and apparently saved it's life.
Felicia Daniels, who applied the glue, said, "At first I thought it was going to make me sick. But then it looked kind of cool."
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A cooking show in England has promised a nasty surprise in an upcoming "TV Dinners" episode -- placenta pate. An unnamed family invited 20 of their closest friends and a television film crew to dine on the frozen afterbirth of their daughter's child.
According to the London Independent, the baby's father had "14 helpings", and his wife declared that "serving the placenta will be a family tradition now..."
(yeah, the Addams Family)
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True tale of In"duh"viduals... - from the Dilbert Newsletter
We tested our Y2K power contingency plans a few weeks before New Year's. The Induhviduals in IT didn't expect any downtime, so the test was performed during the normal work day. The idea was that when power was cut, the six generators would kick on and we wouldn't notice a thing.
Three generators failed to start. Two threw their breakers due to the high load on them. The last was overwhelmed when the previous two cut out and threw a tremendous surge through the lines, blowing up hundreds of light bulbs, frying fax machines, radios and pencil sharpeners along the way. The surge jumped circuits in our industrial level surge protector and traveled through our "surge protected" lines to every desktop in the company plus the server room. After taking out over a hundred monitors and almost forty PCs, the surge proceeded to destroy our server room air conditioner, four huge UPS systems, thirteen servers and both AS/400s. Several small fires started throughout the building, including our now half-melted Christmas tree and our molten-menorah.
The surge then jumped the lines into the main power grid, blowing up two transformers, one of which fell on the IT manager's car (poetic justice) and cutting power on the entire block. The remaining generator then proceeded to burst into flames, eventually blowing up all six generators and burning up seven cars.
This all occurred within about thirty seconds and sent 38 people to the hospital, cost the company over $650,000 in equipment (not to mention the impending lawsuits), destroyed eight cars and caused weeks of downtime. Three people quit the company. One woman is still in the hospital with electrical burns. The resulting publicity got us on television in five states.
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Going to the bank
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
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How would it be with beer, if it were manufactured by Microsoft
· Finally shows up at your local liquor store a year after it's announced.
· Takes forever to drink, unless you use a top-of-the-line beer glass that was manufactured within the past 6 months.
· Is brewed from a different recipe every 2 years. (OK, maybe the recipe isn't *that* different... but wow, the new label sure looks good!)
· Mysteriously causes all of the other beer in your house to suddenly become undrinkable.
· Randomly gushes upon opening, until you download and install the 20 megabyte "Ale Service Pack #3" from the Web site. Once you install the Service Pack, the gushing problem goes away... but for some bizarre reason, all of the bottles now reek of DMS.
· Takes up your entire fridge, even though last year's version fit quite nicely in the door rack. Even after you could *swear* you've dumped all of it down the toilet, for some strange reason you're still missing an entire shelf's worth of fridge space.
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A girl saw an attractive man in a bar. She sat next to him, ordered a drink and introduced herself. They became friendly and she invited him home.
When they arrived she gave him a drink, turned on the TV and went to get into "something more comfortable."
She came out in a flimsy negligee, paraded back and forth and announced, "Paris, 1998."
He smiled and continued watching TV.
She went back, changed into a topless bathing suit and announced, "San Francisco, 1997."
Again he smiled and continued watching TV.
This time she went to extremes, she came out wearing shoes and nothing else and announced, "Here and now, 1999."
There were still no results.
She screamed, "What's the matter with you anyway?"
The man jumped up, jerked his pants down and said, "Mowing machine, 1996!"
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Miss Adams was explaining multi-syllable words to her third-grade class. "You all know single-syllable words like hand, foot, house, and dog, but some words are made up of more than one syllable," she said. "Now who can give me an example of a word made up of MORE than one syllable."
Little Johnnie raised his hand eagerly.
"All right, Johnnie, go ahead," smiled Miss Adams.
"Autoeroticism," beamed little Johnnie.
"My goodness, Johnnie, that's a mouthful," marveled Miss Adams.
"No, Miss Adams, that's masturbation," explained Johnnie. "You're thinking of a blowjob."
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DDL
There once was a man named Piatt,
Who's sexual habits were a riot.
From horses to hens,
To mice and men,
If it had a hole, he would try it.
Your job this week hasn't borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who's famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.
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Q. What do dirty old men buy Vaseline for?
A. 79 cents, same as the rest of us...
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Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
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I wrote last week that I had a monogrammed school sweater from Sam Houston Institute of Technology.
A reader wrote me and told me his wife's monogrammed school sweater; Christian University of Northern Texas
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"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
* Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
Chubby Philippine police threatened with dismissal
MANILA, Philippines (AP) -- After launching a campaign against corrupt and undisciplined policemen, Philippine police chief Panfilo Lacson has taken on another prominent problem: bulging bellies.
Lacson said Wednesday the waistlines of the country's 117,000 policemen will be measured next month. Those whose girth is greater than 34 inches will be required to jog or do pushups for six months.
They could face dismissal if they don't slim down, Lacson said.
Since taking office in November, Lacson has taken strong steps to remove inefficient, corrupt and undisciplined officers. About 2,000 policemen, including some high-ranking officers, have been dismissed or suspended, he said.
Lacson earned a reputation as a no-nonsense police general when he served as chief of a special presidential anti-crime task force, and has received high ratings in recent popularity surveys.