Daily Dose - 000328 - Spell Check, lipstick on his collar, old-timer's dance, Feminists, telegrams, Personality Test, blue balls

Some from Kussy today....

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my health.

_________________________

Spell Check!

This e-mail is from the main receptionist for a major computer company - it went out to all corporate employees.

To: All Corporate Employees Subject: Copier! Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM

PLEASE PLEASE please please please -- I am begging here -- keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!

We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for your help.

__________________________

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

She screams, "And I suppose you have a good reason to be waltzing in here at six in the morning?"

"Yeah," he replied, "I want some breakfast."

_________________________

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"

"I'm willing, let's go," she said.

They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".

Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose

__________________________

Feminists outraged by women's fight contest

AAP

-- Women are lining up to brawl in the 'Bad Bitch Challenge', a $10,000 winner-take-all Queensland contest that has outraged feminists but attracted interest from US television.

A former federal Labor government minister and Queensland's Minister for Women's Policy today spoke out against the challenge, which will be staged in the North Queensland city of Townsville at Easter.

In the Bad Bitch Challenge, combatants will be able to head butt and use their elbows and knees - in fact, just about anything goes but biting.

The contest is the brainchild of local fight promoter Chris Condon, who is hoping to have the contest broadcast on US TV show Real TV.

Former Labor senator and frontbencher Margaret Reynolds said the event was demeaning to women, possibly dangerous and would present the wrong image in the US.

Queensland's Minister for Women's Policy, Judy Spence, said: "When we say women are breaking down barriers, this is not what we meant." She felt most people would find it tasteless and not the image Queenslanders would want beamed around the world.

__________________________

Son : Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up seat to a lady.
Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

____________________________

Wife to husband : "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife : "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband : "What? At 2 a.m. ?!"
Husband to wife : "Yes, We used night clubs."

____________________________

Be careful while sending telegrams....

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it as the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

____________________________

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get a better insight concerning their employees and potential employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so... Grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

Ready?? Begin...

1. When do you feel your best?
(a) in the morning
(b) during the afternoon & early evening
(c) late at night

2. You usually walk
(a) fairly fast, with long steps
(b) fairly fast, with short, quick steps
(c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
(d) less fast, head down
(e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you
(a) stand with your arms folded
(b) have your hands clasped
(c) have one or both your hands on your hips
(d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
(e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with
(a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
(b) your legs crossed
(c) your legs stretched out or straight
(d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with
(a) a big, appreciative laugh
(b) a laugh, but not a loud one
(c) a quiet chuckle
(d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
(a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
(b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
(c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted. Do you..
(a) welcome the break
(b) feel extremely irritated
(c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
(a) red or orange
(b) black
(c) yellow or light blue
(d) green
(e) dark blue or purple
(f) white
(g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie
(a) stretched out on your back
(b) stretched out face down on your stomach
(c) on your side, slightly curled
(d) with your head on one arm
(e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are
(a) falling
(b) fighting or struggling
(c) searching for something or somebody
(d) flying or floating
(e) you usually have dreamless sleep
(f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS:

1.(a) 2
(b) 4
(c) 6

2.(a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 7
(d) 2
(e) 1

3.(a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 5
(d) 7
(e) 6

4.(a) 4
(b) 6
(c) 2
(d) 1

5.(a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 2

6.(a) 6
(b) 4
(c) 2

7.(a) 6
(b) 2
(c) 4

8.(a) 6
(b) 7
(c) 5
(d) 4
(e) 3
(f) 2
(g) 1

9.(a) 7
(b) 6
(c) 4
(d) 2
(e) 1

10.(a) 4
(b) 2
(c) 3
(d) 5
(e) 6
(f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS:
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS:
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure.
They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS:
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS:
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest... Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS:
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS:
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

____________________________

"I think I have a problem, doc," says the patient, "one of my balls has turned blue".

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient dies if they don't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient,"how could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?", asks the doctor retorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

But, two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?", asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor: "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go.

Of course, he does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?", asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry: "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says: "Hm, I don't know, could it be the jeans...???