Daily Dose - 000327 - Bizarre News, bed wetting problem, White Hair, Hey Martha
More Bizarre News....
Blind Man Charged With Memphis Bank Robbery
MEMPHIS - A blind man tried to rob a bank as a security guard who helped him to the teller's window stood nearby, police say. Bruce Edward Hall, 48, entered the bank Tuesday, accepted the guard's help, then gave a teller a note demanding money, police said.
The teller mouthed, "It's a robbery" to a guard, then gave Hall some bills.
[The get-away car outside had two white canes duct taped to the front fenders.]
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Thai Cock-Cutting Catastrophe
Another philandering Thai husband has been horribly stripped of his adulterous manhood. Bangkok police captain Samphan Panitphan went on a drinking binge with his buddies last weekend. He returned home and collapsed in a stupor. His unconscious body presented an irresistible target to Sudjai, who carved out some vengeance for his recent extramarital affairs. She cut off his penis!
Removing the devious dicks of wandering husbands is becoming all too common in Thailand. The slashing wives' habit is euphemistically referred to as "tat lieng pet" (feeding the duck) due to an incident in which the excised organ was tossed into a yard where a passing duck ate it.
[Whatever happened to bread crusts? The poor bastard didn't even have a chance to see if they could reattach it.]
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A Lexington, Kentucky man may get three years in prison for cruelty to a cat. Police say the animal was beaten, doused with gasoline, set on fire and hung from a street sign.
Steven Griffith told the judge he killed the cat as an "act of kindness."
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Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Romance of Leprosy; 1949
[Is it me? Among the last things to get me in the mood is definitely not a chick with digits falling off.]
Original Tricks with Cigars; 1927
[Obviously, this was President Clinton's favorite bedside reading material.]
Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement; 1993
[I think I'd rather just have a woman lie to me.]
The Nature and Tendency of Balls, Seriously and Candidly Considered in Two Sermons; 1818
Gay Bulgaria; 1964
Not Worth Reading; 1914
So Your Wife Came Home Speaking In Tongues! So Did Mine!; 1973
[So your wife was just committed. So was mine!]
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Rainy Day Robber Rejected
MILAN, Italy - Dominic Ventrelli has been arrested after attempting to rob a group of restaurant patrons. What makes this unusual is that he did not attempt using a gun or knife. The not-so-clever would be thief held the obliging patrons at umbrella point.
For 15 minutes he had the terrified customers emptying their pockets by simply pointing an umbrella at the group. The caper was foiled when the cook entered the dining room and laughed at Ventrelli and wrestled the umbrella away.
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Warden Falls To Death While Spying
A Mexican jail warden fell to his death while spying on a couple during their conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz came crashing down next to a Nicaraguan prisoner and his wife while they were having sex. Apparently he tripped on a skylight overlooking the conjugal visits section, La Cronica newspaper and InfoRed radio said.
According to local law enforcement sources the warden had with him binoculars and a pornographic magazine. An official answering the phone at the prison said that police were investigating but refused to provide further details. The prisoner who was interrupted attempted to start a riot, but the intent was squelched by prison security, the newspaper said.
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The Lizard-Man of New York
ALBANY, N.Y. - Kafka he's not, but philosophy doctorate student Erik Sprague is going much farther toward his transformation.
Sprague, 27, has a long-time fascination with reptiles, and in order to explore the reptilian meaning of life he has had his teeth sharpened, bumps implanted in his forehead and green scales tattooed on his face and body. Not surprisingly he is taking a break from his studies in the State University of New York to appear in circus shows.
Sprague's other pastimes include tapping nails into his nose, sword-swallowing, fire- breathing and piercing needles into his cheeks. As a capper he likes to lift car batteries with chains attached to his nipples.
[What would you give to go to a party with this guy?]
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Tennessee Judge Sets Festive Mood In Traffic Court
NASHVILLE, Tennessee - A Tennessee courtroom had plenty of holiday cheer this week, with the judge dismissing traffic charges if the accused sang "Jingle Bells."
Judge Mark Fishburn let some drivers off without a fine or safe-driving classes if they sang out loud in traffic court Monday and Tuesday. "It was a spur-of-the-moment thing," he said. "Everybody seemed to be in a festive mood. I turned to the audience and asked them if they were really in the Christmas spirit."
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This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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White Hair
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
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Q. What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors?
A. NUDITY
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Did you hear about the 13 yr. old boy that got hold of his fathers Viagra?
They rushed him to the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.
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Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Jan. 14, 2000
Virgin reveals herself in ice cream
By MEGAN K. STACK -- Associated Press
HOUSTON (AP) -- They've come from far and wide, clutching rosaries and cameras, jostling to peer through the afternoon heat at an improbable shrine on the cement floor of a Houston apartment complex.
In the midst of wilting roses, candles and crosses, they say, the Virgin of Guadalupe reveals herself to the faithful in an amorphous stain of melted ice cream.
To unfaithful eyes, the crusty smear looks about as earthshaking as, well, a melted popsicle. But ecstatic believers swear they can discern the form of the beloved Mexican idol.
The ice cream was disintegrating fast this week, though someone has placed a glass pane over the smear and hemmed the makeshift frame with duct tape in the hopes of preserving the image.
"I just let 'em in," yawned apartment manager Maria Cervantes. "If they want to believe it, it's fine with me."
Ms. Cervantes has spent the week watching a thick stream of Catholics, cameramen and curious troop past her office.
The uproar began Monday, when residents picked out the brilliant robes of the Mexican saint in the sticky swirls at the foot of a soda machine. Word spread, and there have been 500 to 800 onlookers from as far away as Miami, Seattle and Canada, Ms. Cervantes said. Some stay at the shrine all night long, absorbed in meditation.
Clustered in the courtyard, old women bounce babies on their laps. Fathers shush their children, teens move their lips in silent prayer. A hand scrawled poster warns worshippers to lower their voices.
In her office, Ms. Cervantes is beginning to wonder when it will all end. Moreover, what will she do with the patch of cement? Some of the faithful want the complex to construct a shrine on the site.
"I don't know what to do," she sighed. "I'm just going to wait and see."