Daily Dose - 000326 - masturbation, Bizarre News, milk Bessy, Onion, Hey Martha
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
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More Bizarre News.....
Rare Bug Sells For $90,000 In Japan
TOKYO - A rare beetle known as a "black diamond" has lived up to its name for a Tokyo store. The 80mm (3.1-inch) stag beetle, distinguished by a large set of fearsome pincer-like jaws and a gleaming shell, has been sold for a record 10 million yen ($90,000), said Takamasa Suzuki, owner of insect specialty store WakuWaku Land.
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Should Have Stayed At Harvard
Vassar College - A male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer.
Apparently he admitted to authorities that he slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. In a bit of karmic justice, the girl took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil".
[I think this girl went on to become a Dallas cheerleader]
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Sculptor Creates Legacy In Butter
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) - With a 5-pound glob of butter in one hand and the thumb of Jesus in the other, Norma Lyon laments over how the main figure in her Last Supper keeps getting in the way.
"I've knocked three fingers off of him today," Lyon said, her graying head swaying from side to side as she reattached the thumb. "Maybe we should have saved him for last, but we thought he was too important."
Norma Lyon, 70, is called "Duffy" by her friends but is known to most Iowans as "the butter lady." She has been sculpting a life-sized, 600-pound, butter cow at the Iowa State Fair each year since 1959
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Two Pounds Of Bologna In A One Pound Bag
London, England - Leave it to the stuffy employment scene in London. Full figured garbage person, Amy Pegler has been fired for accidentally exposing her ample 44 inch breasts. She was loading a garbage can into the truck when she "broke out" of her bra and shirt, causing traffic to stop. She is taking legal action to win back her job as garbage collector.
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Not A Pit To Hiss In
Tehran, Iran - Hunter Ali Asghar went hunting snakes with his shot gun. Authorities claimed that hunter Ali jumped into a snake pit and pinned a serpent to the ground with the butt of his 12 gauge shot gun. The snake coiled around the gun's trigger causing one barrel to fire directly into Asghar's head, instantly killing him.
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Alert police officers in Florida thought something didn't look right when they saw a car driving erratically down U.S. 19-- with a 3 1/2 foot orange and green lizard at the wheel.
According to the Tampa Tribune, the officers followed the car for "a couple of miles" before they pulled it over, to find owner John Ruppell slouched down in the seat. Police official Larry Sams told the paper that the iguana was a "pretty good driver". The lizard, named Finley, was taken into custody and delivered to the SPCA. Mr. Ruppel was arrested on a drunk driving charge... remember, kids, don't drink and drive. You might spill...
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Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and soon, or I'll lose that dealership forever."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:
"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That old cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes started slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.
"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from you!"
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I went into the Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the title and license plates for my new truck. After spending five minutes typing all my personal information into a computer, the DMV clerk pulled out a huge book to look up the excise tax for the vehicle. I mentioned that, since she had a networked computer, it would seem more efficient to just enter the information in the computer and have it look up the tax rather than create, print, and distribute such a large book. She looked at me in that serious, governmental clerk manner and said, "They can't do that. The information changes too quickly."
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Willie was a Chemist,
But Willie is no more,
What Willie thought was H20
Was H2SO4.
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"One World, One Web, One Program"
- Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Reich, Ein Volk, Ein Fuhrer"
- Adolf Hitler
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Apply within
A professor at a local university has just received a large grant to study the effectiveness of kevlar army helmets against bullet impact.
I hear he's looking for more grad students...
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The Onion (satire)
Clinton Hurls Feces At Detractors
WASHINGTON, DC--Angered by criticism of his military strategy in Kosovo, President Clinton flung clods of his own excrement at White House reporters Monday.
"I am the alpha male!" Clinton shouted to Sam Donaldson of ABC News. "None shall usurp my dominance of the social hierarchy!"
The outburst was the first of its kind since Clinton's March 19 urination on Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji at a Beijing arms summit.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, May 26, 1999
Trumpeting a new stock? Not this elephant
MADRID, Spain (AP) -- An amusement park company thought of a clever way to promote the first day of its stock sales Wednesday -- take an elephant to the stock exchange. The pachyderm thought otherwise.
The noise, cars and crowds of downtown Madrid spooked Clarisa, a 12-year-old elephant, so badly that she broke away from her caretakers and knocked into traffic lights, a lamppost and a trash bin.
The handlers briefly managed to tie the 2-ton animal to a tree, but she got away again. In the end, they shot Clarisa with a tranquilizer gun, then used a crane to hoist her snoozing hulk onto a truck for the ride back home to the Madrid zoo.
"It was a disaster," said Marta Carazo, a journalist for the Spanish news agency Efe who watched Clarisa's ordeal. "Cars were driving right by her while she was loose. The poor thing was so nervous."
The elephant never made it to the stock exchange photo session where she was to have appeared with officials of Parques Reunidos S.A. to publicize the first day of share sales. The company owns the Madrid zoo as well as amusement and theme parks.
"We didn't expect her to react this way," acknowledged a company official, who declined to be identified by name. "She's used to being around people."