Daily Dose - 000325 - biscuits, standing on her head, snowman, potty training, water hole, The Onion, Hey Martha

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.

Her husband was startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

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A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!

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The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend.

Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say: "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot."

And his daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."

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My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse.

So.........I asked one more time.

"Matt, did you have an accident?"

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

I was mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

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There were these two not-so-bright guys who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car, they decided to buy a camel.

The camel dealer promised the guys that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left.

So, the guys took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. "I have an idea," said the first guy. "Why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way, the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second guy agreed.

After some time, the first guy asked, "Well is it working?" The second guy replied, "I think it's gonna work, but you'll have to pick his head up just a little because all I'm getting is mud."

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I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm,... YOU were the quickest one.

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Have you heard about the new "super-sensitive" condoms?

They stay around after the man leaves, and talk to the woman!

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A Kentucky Fried Chicken in New York has a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary."

It has two small breasts, two large thighs, and a bunch of left wings.

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"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me."

-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)

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The Onion (satire)

Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term

WASHINGTON, DC--Approximately eight million Americans living below the poverty line were rescued from economic hardship Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau redefined the term.

"We are winning the war on poverty," said bureau head James Irving, who lowered the poverty line for a four-person family to $14,945. "Today, millions of people whose inflation-adjusted total household income is less than $16,780 are living better lives."

Said formerly poor Jackson, MS, motel housekeeper Althea Williams: "I never dreamed I'd ever become middle-class. America truly is the land of opportunity."

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, Jan. 7, 2000

Pulling of Christmas fireplace broadcast ignites protest
By DIRK MEISSNER -- The Canadian Press

VICTORIA -- The constant and some say revolutionary image of a crackling fire left burning on television screens for 18 hours a day over the Christmas holidays was a popular program for a local community cable channel.

The fireplace image was such a hit with viewers that hundreds called Shaw Cable in protest when the fire was put out and the channel resumed regular programming this week.

The burning issue even sparked a protest rally outside the cable provider's office. About a dozen people, including one man carrying a placard that said Burn Baby Burn, gathered in Shaw Cable's parking lot.

The protesters said they represented the newly formed Burning Logs of the West Coast Society (BLOWS) and were marching Thursday "to express our sincere concern at the removal of the fire log from your channel's lineup."

A news release said the pleasant fireplace image gave them a break from the bombardment of regular television and inspired conversation and free thought among their peers.

"Having come from the MTV generation of television viewers in which quick cuts, flashy content and loud noises are inherent in entertainment, we found solace in watching Log."

There was no contact name on the release.

Shaw spokesman Kim Wildfong said Friday the fireplace image drew more public reaction than anything the community channel has ever done.

And this has prompted Shaw Cable to re-ignite the log, he said.

"The log hasn't burned out yet," Wildfong said.

It will rise from the ashes today and burn merrily from noon to 6 p.m. to allow viewers to videotape the seasonal image, he said. Shaw will also sell videotapes of the fire to raise money for local charities, Wildfong said.

He said hundreds of people called the station after the log was taken off the air.

"People seemed to really enjoy it," he said. "One gentleman wanted to build a mantelpiece over his TV."

One person called and proposed marriage to the person whose hand is seen stoking the fire and adding logs at hourly intervals, Wildfong said.

Wildfong reluctantly revealed the fireplace hand belongs to a happily married man.

Wildfong said Shaw Cable expects to show fireplace reruns next Christmas.

The BLOWS release said the fireplace program was a shining light, but its extinguishment left many, especially young people, disillusioned and once again "blowing in the breeze of apathy."

"So we implore you, bring back the Log. Bring hope back to our generation of jaded malcontents. Help us save ourselves. Save the log!"