Daily Dose - 000321 - frugal, new housekeeper, THE OLD MAID'S BURGLAR, to death with a hammer, seagull, DDL, Hey Martha

Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read:

Frugal: to save
Sentence:
Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out.

She yelled "Frugal me, Frugal me!"

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So this guy is between the sheets with this woman when he hears the garage door open. "It's my husband," the woman says. "Here start ironing these." Tossing him a pile of shirts.

The husband walks in and asks why there is this strange man ironing shirts. She tells him that he is the new housekeeper. Her husband seems to accept this. The guy stays and finishes the shirts, leaves and walks down the street to catch the bus. He can't help but brag about what just happened, and tells a man waiting next to him.

The man looks at him and says, "Pal are you talking about a nice looking brunette who lives in that 2 story brick job on the corner of Main and Park?"

"Yes, I am."

"Hell son, who do you think washed them damn shirts anyway?"

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THE OLD MAID'S BURGLAR

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold, who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in as quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide, till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept, he crept up close to the wall,
He didn't know it was an old maid's room or he wouldn't have had the gall.
He thought of the money that he would steal, as under the bed he lay,
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight, that made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in, "I am so tired," she said.
She thought that all was well that night, so she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, and the hair from off her head,
The burglar, he had forty fits, as he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept, he was a total wreck,
The old maid wasn't asleep at all, and she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call, she was as cool as a clam,
She only said, "The Saints be praised, at last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew, and to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me, I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck, he hadn't a chance to scoot,
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye, and said,
"Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

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A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You bastard!"

The judge continued: "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: " You Goddamned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded: "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer....he said he never had one!"

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Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes. The brunette says "I'll go and get some toilet paper.

"When she left, one blonde turns to the other blonde and says "Boy,is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."

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DDL

I know a young man named Brian,
Who couldn't get a screw even when lyin',
So he tried a different plan,
And went for a man,
But by the end of the screw he was cryin'.

There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda!!!

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"Who Wants to Marry an Millionaire" should have been called "Who Wants to be a Call Girl."

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If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", does that make the Tennessee Titans "The Tits"?

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It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice.

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"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
* Forestry expert Ronald Reagan