Daily Dose - 000320 - bought something for the house, recruiter, without writing a will, where are the glaciers, best bull, DDL, Hey Martha

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered,

"Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

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During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

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A guy dies suddenly without writing a will. The distressed widow goes to a lawyer, explaining the problem.

Lawyer says, "Hmm, so your husband died without writing a will. Did he say anything to you before he died?"

"Yeah, he said 'Mary, you can't hit the broad side of a barn with that thing, so put it down."

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A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?"

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

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A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what my father charges for Elmer."

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DDL

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.

As a child I had a puppy named Spot
Who swam daily in our chamber pot
I must truly admit
He stank like (crap)
But I loved that puppy a lot

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InfoBoard at the Alaska Air counter:

Arrivals:
Departures:
Odds:

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When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
---Marcel Achard

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"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
* Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

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"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
* Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, Feb. 21, 2000

Jilted girlfriend brings in brothers

MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) -- It was to be a glorious service: she was wrapped in the bright colors of an African wedding dress, he wore a tuxedo.

But the groom's jilted girlfriend showed up with her brothers, and they brought hand grenades.

The would-be wedding was thrown into tumult over the weekend after the groom secretly tried to leave his pregnant girlfriend of nine years and marry someone else.

Witnesses and police officials said the groom, Nixon Peters, snuck out of the home he shared with his girlfriend Saturday morning, saying he was taking part in a friend's wedding.

Shortly afterward, someone told Peters' girlfriend that he was actually heading to his own marriage.

The girlfriend, whose name was not revealed, found her brothers and they headed to Monrovia's Living Waters Baptist Church, forcing their way inside.

When the clergymen tried to ignore them, some of the brothers pulled out hand grenades, sending the bride, groom, guests, pastors and choir members fleeing for the exits.

Police later questioned Peters, but did not press charges.

While the wedding was canceled, witnesses said the reception dinner was held as planned.