Daily Dose - 000313 - Thanks To The Government, Jewish samurai, longer dipstick, report card, woman recruit in the Army, DDL, Hey Martha

Thanks To The Government

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had jurt celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

__________________

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.

The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

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A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

___________________

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

___________________

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

___________________

DDL

There was a young fellow from Yale
Whose face was exceedingly pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high price of tail.

____________________

CHURCH BILLBOARDS

**It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
**Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
**Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
**Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons--come hear one.
**Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.

_____________________

Anyone been to England lately?
If we're such good friends , why don't we teach them how to make soft, absorbent toilet paper?

_____________________

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"

____________________

I'm a graduate of Sam Houston Institute of Technology.

You ought to see me wearing my monogrammed school sweater.

____________________

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
* Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2000

Hurried deputies go to Wal-Mart for consumers

SHELBY, N.C. (AP) -- Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, please report for jury duty.

When Cleveland County Civil and Criminal Superior Court ran out of prospective jurors Monday, Judge Don Bridges asked the sheriff's office to find replacements.

Given only three hours to round up 55 people, deputies went to the Wal-Mart Supercenter and started handing out subpoenas. Some shoppers had as little as 30 minutes to make arrangements to obey the court order.

The court needed last-minute jurors because not enough people showed up for jury duty and others were disqualified from service for various reasons.

Some shoppers and the Wal-Mart manager complained, but authorities said there was little else deputies could do.

"When not enough jurors are here, we try any possible way to get them," Chief Deputy Bob Roadcap said. "You go to the place most people gather."

Bridges admitted the plan wasn't the best, but it was the only way to get the job done.

"I apologized to the folks this morning," he said. "But the jurors who came in seemed to have an extremely good sense of cooperation."