Daily Dose - 000312 - wedding ring, minister's family, best friend's pussy, ACTUAL JEWISH PERSONALS, finally scored, DDL, Hey Martha

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

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There was a minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the minister's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers on those occasions!"

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Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.

"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

"Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying. You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper."

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ACTUAL JEWISH PERSONALS

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

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Paul and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" Paul says. "I finally scored."

Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."

"How so?"

"That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"

"Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

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DDL

There once was a dog with a bone,
who wouldn't get up and go home.
He guarded his stock
like a man with a flock,
and starved 'cause he never went home.

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Liz asked Steve to go to the video store and pick up 'Scent of a Woman' the other day.

Imagine her surpise when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'.

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I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?...The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love.
~ John McGovern

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The young girl said to the rather hip priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sex before receiving Communion?"

He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

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I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, Feb. 7, 2000

Woman who didn't know she was pregnant has child

MONROE, Mich. (AP) -- Amy Janssen didn't suspect anything amiss when she began experiencing cramps and had to lie down. When she took a bath about three hours later, the cramps worsened.

Then the astonishing happened: While in the tub Friday, Amy Janssen delivered a baby girl. She didn't even know she was pregnant.

"When the baby came, I called my husband," Amy Janssen, 32, said Saturday while resting in Mercy Memorial Hospital. "I think (he) was more shocked than I was."

Tim Janssen agreed. "It was quite an ordeal. When I walked in, she was holding a baby and I knew something was wrong," he said. "I thought she had put on a little weight with the holidays."

Janssen sent his 8-year-old son from a previous marriage to get his uncle and called 911. "I told the operator 'there's a baby that's born in our house.' I'm sure it didn't make much sense," he said.

The ambulance arrived just after the fire trucks arrived, followed by a delivery man from Gino's Pizza & Sub Station. The couple had forgotten they had ordered pizza.

"I told him he had to leave. He looked at me and couldn't understand why I didn't want the pizzas," Janssen said.

The baby, the couple's first child, weighed 4 pounds, 3 ounces, measured 17.5 inches long and arrived about seven weeks early.