Daily Dose - 000311 - how often she has intercourse, 'sex' and 'love', SUPER BOWL FACTOIDS, high mass, yearly physical, selfish,
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
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A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote, "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."
And Bob wrote, "I love sex."
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SUPER BOWL FACTOIDS
In the USA - more toilets flush at half time than any other time of the year.
Super Bowl Sunday is the most popular party day of the year -- surpassing New Year's Eve. It is also the slowest weekend for weddings.
Super Bowl Monday sales of antacids increase by more than 20% over other Mondays.
Dominos Pizza sales typically double on Super Bowl Sunday. Last year Americans ate more than 8.5 million pounds of tortilla chips on this day.
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Mollie Speigel, an older Jewish lady, is invited to a high mass by her friend Maria Hernandez. Mollie was delighted to accept the invitation, because she had never been to a mass before.
So Mollie and Maria, dressed in their finest, went to the high mass.
A visiting Bishop was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surlus was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke rising from it.
Mollie, sitting directly on the aisle, touched the Bishop on his shoulder as he passed her seat, and innocently said...
"Darling I love your outfit, but your purse is on fire!"
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An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks if she had a good time. She tells him yes, but to get her really horny, she likes her men to be rough, tough and selfish.
The next week the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a biker's black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest biker bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her, "Well, was I rough enough?"
"Yes," she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough enough?"
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish." So saying, he whips out his penis and gives himself a hand job.
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DDL
A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed,
She reverently said:
'I wish to be opened with prayer.'
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FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
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Q: Have you heard about the new lottery game in India?
A: You scratch the card, and if the dot on the card matches the dot on your face, you win a 7-11.
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Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere.
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The Onion (satire)
Buchanan Reveals Thousands Of Americans Made In China
TOPEKA, KS--During a speech Monday before members of the Topeka VFW Hall, a concerned Pat Buchanan said that "hundreds of thousands" of U.S. citizens were made in Communist China.
"These shoddy, Asian-looking, 'knock-off' Americans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents," the Reform Party presidential hopeful told VFW members. "Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-the-U.S.A. Americans."
Buchanan added that if he wins the presidency, he would impose stiff tariffs against U.S.-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Americans to their nation of origin.
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, Dec. 1, 1999
Twin being confused for brother wanted by police
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- As kids, fraternal twins Ray and Jay Nugent would dress alike and play tricks on friends by switching places.
These days, though, Ray isn't laughing. He keeps getting confused with his brother, who is on the lam after being accused of a bank robbery in Louisiana and two counts of attempted murder of police officers.
"It ain't no fun on the streets when a policeman pulls a gun on you. I've always understood it, but I'm tired of understanding it," he said.
Ray says he's been stopped several times since police in Opelousas, La., issued an arrest warrant in 1985 for his fraternal twin.
Ray, who was jailed for 13 days here in 1993 because deputies mistook him for Jay, is set to receive $150,000 from Los Angeles County in exchange for dropping the county from a federal lawsuit.
Ray has also filed a $13 million federal lawsuit against Opelousas police because he says the warrant should include information about the possible twin mistake.
Opelousas Police Chief Larry Caillier said his department gets a call every time Ray is stopped. "When you stop him, you have no way of knowing if you have him or the bank robber," Caillier said.
Despite the hassles, Ray isn't upset with his brother. "He's not the one who's telling me that I'm not me," he said Tuesday.