Daily Dose - 000308 - old ball, sleep in the same bed, Microsoft Acquires Monopoly, Pancho goes into a barber shop, bill control pills, DDL, Hey Martha

The golfer stood at the edge of the water and attempted to pitch the ball over it. It went in. A voice boomed out from above "USE AN OLD BALL".

He dropped a new ball and put that one in the water. The voice again boomed out from above "USE AN OLD BALL".

He proceeded to hit a half dozen brand new balls into the water. Each time the voice boomed out from above "USE AN OLD BALL".

Finally he looked up and said "What's an old ball?"

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A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's *MY* dick you're holding...not yours."

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Microsoft Acquires Monopoly(R)

REDMOND, WA (May 11, 1998) -- Microsoft announced yesterday that it has acquired Parker Brothers, Inc. for an undisclosed sum. Parker Brothers holds rights to the Monopoly(R) board game and associated merchandise.

A Microsoft spokesperson said, "Microsoft plans to produce a computer-based version of Monopoly(R) called MS-Monopoly(TM). It will be bundled with the next version of Windows 98, to be released in 2001. With Microsoft's OS monopoly, MS-Monopoly will have a monopoly on computer-based board game ntertainment. We plan to have MS-Monopoly replace Solitaire(R) as the default time-wasting program for millions of users."

Milton-Bradley, a rival board game manufacturer, is not happy about yesterday's annoucement. Their press agent said, "Our rival Parker Brothers has teamed up with the world's largest software producer. With MS-Monopoly bundled with Windows 98 (or Win2001), no one will want to play traditional non-electronic board games anymore. We could produce computerized versions of our popular board games, but who would buy our products when there's a dancing MS-Monopoly icon on the Windows desktop and no more free space left on the hard drive?"

MS-Monopoly will contain several new innovative features, according to a Microsoft press release. Instead of Atlantic City real estate, the game will focus on computer companies. For example, Netscape will replace Mediterranean Ave., and Sun Microsystems will take over for North Carolina Ave. The railroads will become Internet Service Providers. Instead of Jail, players must contend with "DOJ unjust vigilante investigations." The goal of the game will be to acquire everything on the board, including the DOJ. A Microsoft programmer commented, "This isn't very realistic, we realize."

In MS-Monopoly the rival companies have much more power than in the Real World. Realistically, all the rivals should be confined to the purple squares while Microsoft occupies the rest of the board. We had to change things a little to make the game more playable. On a technical note, MS-Monopoly is designed to consume all available Win98 system resources, preventing other programs from being open. We felt it fitting that MS-Monopoly monopolizes the computer. This is similar to the way Solitaire works, so users upgrading from Win95 should be right at home."

It is unclear whether this acquisition will affect the annual Monopoly promotion at McDonalds. Some analysts point out that this is a moot point; Microsoft will probably acquire McDonalds in the near future anyways.

Microsoft's stock, MSFT, climbed 3 1/2 points after the annoucement. For more information, visit Microsoft's new website, www.ms-monopoly.com.

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Pancho goes into a barber shop and sits down in the chair. The barber cuts his hair. After he gets done, Pancho gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

Pancho hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, "Listen....it's none of my business, but why....why take a piss in the corner of your own barber shop".

The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks. Do I care?"

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut and comes back with Pancho's change. He sees the guy taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says, "What are you doing?"

Pancho says, "Well hell, I'm leaving now."

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A West Virginian walked into a pharmacy and asked the woman pharmacist if they carried bill control pills.

The pharmacist informed the man that they did, but also told him they were for women.

The man acknowleged that he knew that, that they were for his twelve year old daughter.

The pharmacist asked, "Is your daughter sexually active?'

The man thought for a moment and responded, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

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DDL

There was an old spinster of Tyre
Who bellowed, "MY CUNT IS ON FIRE!"
So a fireman was found,
Brought his engine around
And extinguished her burning desire.

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If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

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If you've ever wondered how people could spend $2.00 on a little bottle of Evian water, just spell Evian backwards.

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Have you ever met an atheist farmer?

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Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?

A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, April 27, 1999

Look Ma, no badge

ATLANTA (AP) -- Tim Ware was so excited about being hired as a recruit by the Atlanta Police Department that he drove a marked car to Alabama to see his mother.

While returning back to Georgia, Ware decided to help an Alabama state trooper who had pulled a motorist over, said Lt. Calvin Moss, administrative assistant to police Chief Beverly Harvard.

The trooper was suspicious about seeing an Atlanta police car so far from home. So he called the Atlanta Police Department.

The 22-year-old Ware was fired immediately, Moss said Monday.