Daily Dose - 000307 - Bizarre News, Three convicts, what the Bible means, premature ejaculation, DDL, Hey Martha
Bizarre News....
Kristainsand, Sweden - Lesbians who want to achieve a more masculine image are overjoyed by a new pill that allows them the opportunity to grow a mustache in two to three days.
The new medication replaces taking the male hormone testosterone.
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Pretoria, South Africa The psychology profession was rocked after renowned marriage counselor, Dr. Cedric Wayne crossed over the edge while treating a bickering couple. The husband, fed up with his wife’s unrelenting verbal assault began slapping her. Dr. Wayne, instead of intervening to stop the assault leapt out of his chair and charged across the room and proceeded to beat the stunned wife as well.
"She’s the most annoying woman I’ve ever been around. No husband should be subjected to nagging like that... that woman’s mouth was driving me crazy," said Dr. Wayne.
[NY City police officials are said to be studying the special counseling techniques of Dr. Wayne...]
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Brisbane, Australia 24 year old bachelor Stan Melson called police to his bedroom after a sexy, but inebriated lady sauntered into his bedroom, stripped naked and then crawled into bed.
"I was standing there in my pajamas when suddenly this gorgeous girl I’d never seen before came bouncing into my bedroom, tore off her clothes and climbed into bed, "recounted the blushing Melson. No charges were filed as she apparently lived one floor above his and simply entered the wrong apartment.
(And he called the police ????)
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Glenpool, OK - Heather Joy says she's found a way to cowgirl's heart. She makes hand-crafted bags from bull scrotums. The cost of each of her True Cowgirl's Purses depends on whether the bag is personalized, hand-dyed or is adorned with silver or brass. The bags start at $110.
Ms. Joy admits the idea "is not for everyone," "They looked boring," she said. "You couldn't even close it. What kind of purse is that?"
Her purses are scraped, soaked in salt water and dried before they're shipped to a Wyoming company where they're pickled, she said. The bags, which come in different sizes and colors, are flat and supple by the time they are put on sale.
[when rubbed it turns into a suitcase]
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SAN DIEGO - A man was arrested on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend in a supermarket parking lot with a 10-pound tuna. Nicholas Anthony Vitalich, 24, could be charged with assault with a deadly weapon, police said. He was arrested Tuesday.
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Finland, The Next Great Military Power
Finland - A new law has recently been enacted put forth by the Finland's interior ministry. Henceforth an immediate ban has been placed on slingshots, blowpipes and crossbows.
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Is This The Face Of A Criminal?
Wrexham, Wales - Police arrested two 16 year old vandals who broke into an office building within 24 hours of the break in.
How? The young vandals were playing around with the copying machine by pressing their faces against the copier, making several copies. When they fled, several perfect copies of their faces were found in the nearby trash.
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HOT...EXTRA HOT...AND CALL 9-1-1
When ol' Colonel Johnson labeled his barbecue sauce "Thermo-N Nuclear"...he wasn't kidding! Health department officials in suburban Chicago are investigating after two bottles of the stuff EXPLODED in two kitchens.
Both bottles had been purchased earlier this month at the Naperville Ribfest...where the Chesapeake, Virginia-based Johnson's BBQ won first prize for best ribs.
In selling the sauce, the company jokingly asked consumers to sign a release before buying it.
[...Bizarre sure hopes that the sauce doesn't cause gas... that could be lethal!]
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Viagra Nixed As Golf Tourney Prize
KUALA LUMPUR - The organizers of a charity golf tournament have withdrawn a year's supply of Viagra as a top prize after people complained they were promoting irresponsible use of the drug, a news report said Saturday.
Several Malaysians wrote protest letters last week after learning that the impotence drug produced by Pfizer Inc. would be offered as one of the prizes for male golfers who score a hole-in-one in the Aug. 11 tournament organized by The Catholic Doctors Association.
The organizers are now offering a cash prize.
[...aw come on, all golfers need some help with their putters!]
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Babies Can't Wait For The Next Elevator
Bourges, France - 16 people were on their way to a downtown childbirth class, 12 women and 4 husbands. While taking an elevator to the class, a power failure led to a three hour trapped engagement. Two of the women became so panicked that labor began and two babies were born right there on the elevator floor. Both babies were healthy and happy.
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When Mario Rosalia ran over a fellow worker with his bulldozer in Cantina, Italy, he was certain he had killed the man.
In despair, he ran to a nearby well and drowned himself. The man he had run over suffered only minor injuries...
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Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a Texas Aggie. Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated. On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the da Vinci of the prison system. Then he asked the drunk, "What did you bring?"
He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile, "I brought these."
Puzzled, the other two convicts asked, "What can you do with THOSE?"
Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
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Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!"
Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him come quicker than ever.
The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"
"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.
"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."
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DDL
There once was a girl named Hortence
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
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REAL warning labels on today's products
Found on Axius Sno-Off Automobile Windshield cover:
Caution: Never drive with the cover on your windshield.
Found a box of Tampax Tampons:
Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.
Found on a box of Kellogg?s Pop-Tarts:
Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated
Found in a television set's owner's manual:
Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Found on the handle of a hammer:
Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object
Found on a butane lighter:
Warning: Flame may cause fire
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An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks,
firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs,
will produce all the great works of literature - in Braille.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, Jan. 10, 2000
PM's wife turns herself in
LONDON (AP) -- Cherie Blair, the wife of Prime Minister Tony Blair, reported a train passenger to the authorities Monday for failing to buy a ticket. The culprit: Cherie Blair.
Mrs. Blair, a lawyer, planned to pay the approximately $15 fare from London's Blackfriars Station to Luton, north of the capital, when she boarded the train Monday morning, her husband's office confirmed.
But the ticket booth was closed and Mrs. Blair needed to be on time for a court date. So she boarded the train without a ticket and upon arrival informed the ticket inspector that she hadn't paid.
Blair's office said she paid the full fare, plus an excess charge of about $16.
"She is an upstanding citizen," said the prime minister's spokesman, speaking with customary anonymity. "These things happen."