Daily Dose - 000306 - British Sporting Quotes, Cork Radio Station, new shoes, aptitude test, testicular removal, KGB headquarters, LOMU TO PLAY FOR ENGLAND, WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

Today's selection are from John in Qatar....

British Sporting Quotes

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh -Horse Racing Commentator)

Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades speaking in 1991.)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival"
(Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson)

Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
(David Vine)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Metro Radio

Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
Chris Eubank: 'On what?'

'Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(David Acfield)

'What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?'
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

'...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavillion'
(John Arlott)

'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them'
(Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?'
(USTV commentator)

_________________________

Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week.

The DJ, Neil, had many callers; the following two standing out: DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what is your word?
Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an".
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave, "goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what is your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".
DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

_________________________

Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking his wife Bessie, ...

"So, . . . do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes.

"So, Bessie, do you notice anything different NOW?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know WHY it's hanging down? Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!"

Bessie replies, "You should've bought a hat."

_________________________

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!

____________________________

Fanatics from New Zealand's West Coast, had travelled to England to watch the All Blacks win the World Cup. Wiremu felt particularly uneasy during the long flight to the UK and not even 2 dozen cans of Steinlager could put him right.

Soon after his Air New Zealand 747 landed at Heathrow, he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good eh?" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness and that the only cure was 'testicular removal'.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm getting a second opinion!"

The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure, not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have altitude sickness".

"Whats the cure doc" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Well Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut your balls off".

"Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test-tickets off me!"

_____________________________

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

______________________________

LOMU TO PLAY FOR ENGLAND!

Clive Woodward, England's head coach, shocked the rugby world today with anannouncement that ace Kiwi star Jonah Lomu was to play for England next year.

The NZRU argued that England were totally disregarding the laws, pointing out that recent imports such as John Leslie and Shane Howarth at least had Scottish and Welsh blood in them through grand-parentage.

At a press conference, Woodward responded: "Everything is above board and weare satisfied that Jonah has English blood in him."

Asked to explain this, Woodward pointed out that it had been established by the historians at Oxford that Jonah's great, great, grandfather had in fact eaten Captain Cook.

______________________________

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet which is getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up,and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she sees.

He sneezes again, unzips, pulls his penis out and wipes the end of it off with a handkerchief.

She says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper."

______________________________

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!"

she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

_______________________________

Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a sheep? Lawrence of Wales.

______________________________

Q: What is a, hot, good looking , gorgeous blonde girl in India called??????
A: a tourist

____________________________

Mrs Bloggs went to the doctor because she was constipated. "Well, do you do anything about it?" he enquired.
"Of course I do, doctor, I sit there for hours."
" No, no Mrs Bloggs, I mean, do you take anything?"
"Oh yes doctor, I takes my knitting."

_____________________________

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and slurred speech.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Increases your chances of seeing your coworkers drunk and naked.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
22. A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25 long.